mountain of madness

Graham was ready to just take it easy on him for both their sakes. Give a light version of what was going on in his head but there was something in his last words that triggered that hurt that turned into anger. Though even angry, Graham still had a gentle way about him. “Yes, you did. Saving yourself may have been your first priority but hurting me was how you chose to do that,” he called him out. “You had so many other options but you went with the most damaging cause you knew that would separate you the most from me in front of them. You want to lie out there to all of them, that is your choice. But don’t bullshit me so you can put a band-aid on this.”

Keegan listened and nodded. Honestly, regardless of the words, Keegan was relieved that Graham was speaking. That he wasn’t just walking away. If there was dialogue, Keegan was fairly confident he could talk himself out of all of this. “Maybe on a subconscious level you’re right. I mean what you’re saying makes sense, I’m not going to argue psychologically... yeah probably,” Keegan allowed for, shrugging. “But in the moment I wasn’t thinking any of that. I said the first thing I thought and maybe that’s worse that the first thing that came to mind was so shitty,” he paused, shrugged again and letting out a sigh, biting the corner of his lip. “I’ve said a lot of shitty things to a lot of people, but I’ve never felt as bad as I do now. That’s the truth.” Was it? Keegan wasn’t even sure. It felt real, felt genuine, but it still felt like he was just speaking to speak on some level.

The gentle plead did it’s damage, pulling at Graham’s heart, making it ache. Like for those few seconds he should feel bad for Keegan and that felt so messed up. So many nights he could just bow down to what the other man needed but he was hurt. “I can’t talk to you right now because to do that with how I feel wouldn’t do us any good,” he decide to be honest, looking at him and shrugging.

“Maybe it would,” Keegan shrugged, and that was one of the more honest sentiments he’d had. “I deserve to hear how I made you feel,” he shrugged. “I deserve whatever it is you could to say to me.” Keegan believed those words, but he also knew it was the type of thing he had to say then. It occurred to him as they came out. Like they were genuine, but then it was like he was incapable of saying anything genuine. It felt fucked up, and he felt fucked up. Like everything was curated, even when he didn’t intend it to be. “I know it seems stupid to say, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He had gotten used to seeing Keegan out and not being able to react in the way he wanted. He wasn’t naive enough to ever think that tonight would be anything different. Though maybe there was a second of foolishness that he allowed when Keegan landed on him, but the way he was rejection fell more on humiliation. “Not right now. I would really like to just get back to the party.” He didn’t pull his wrist away but he didn’t look at Keegan.

“Graham, please,” there was compassion seeped into his tone, and while he could have come up with all the excuses and reasons in the book for him to have acted that way, he genuinely did feel bad. He was selfish and he could be cold. He knew that about himself, but his feelings were Graham were real and they were big. Hurting the man hurt him. “I was an ass. I know that. Just please talk to me.”

@keegan-cole​

He was washing his hands when he caught in the mirror who just came in the bathroom. Graham didn’t say a word as he finished up, going to grab a paper towel to dry his hands off. Besides the look in the mirror he kept his eyes off of Keegan, ready to leave. “Excuse me,” he said passing him to get to the door.

Keegan wasn’t oblivious to his words and actions. He knew he was in the wrong, but he had a million and one justifications in his own mind. He also knew he couldn’t speak any of those, and that became clear immediately when he entered the room with Graham. “Hey,” he grabbed Graham’s wrist. “Can we talk? Please?”

A mix of a groan and whine slipped past her lips, letting herself surrender to the chill that came with his kiss. “It’s really not fair that you always have the advantage.”

“Don’t act like you don’t like it,” he had a sinister little smirk as he pulled his head up to look at her. His hand roamed back on her neck, fingers snaking through her hair. “You love getting excited in public for me.”

Hazal: Play your cards right and you may get lucky. I might give you a few kisses here and there especially as I make my way down.

@keegan-cole​

It was always mixed feelings when accidently running into Keegan out in public. He always wanted to see him but not knowing what lines were set when made him fight what felt natural. “I like that shirt on you,” he settled for his greeting.

Keegan felt a rush of anxiety when he saw Graham. He hadn’t really been having a good time. Nothing particularly bad about the night, but he just hadn’t wanted to be there. Seeing the other man, it became obvious how much one private conversation with him could’ve changed his mood. That realization in itself made him feel uneasy, as did the comment. “Brings out my eyes, does it?” He teased, his tone probably more hushed than necessary.

“Because this is a family atmosphere and I know what your rubbing leads to.”

“That’s the fun of it,” Keegan smirked, leaning down to kiss her neck. “Getting you excited when you can’t do anything about it.”

Hazal: Mmm, I'm sure I'll be able to identify those pleasure points by the sounds you make.

“If we stay out here any longer my skin is going to match the shade of my hair.”

“A little offended you haven’t even asked me to rub sunscreen on you before resorting to this.”

Hazal: I'm sure you've got some serious knots after all that studying. How about I start with your shoulders and work my way down?

Hazal: A drink, or two. Maybe I could even give you a massage? Help you rub some of that stress away?

Hazal: Booo - tell me why that doesn't sound at all fun? I promise, I'll make it worth your time if you do manage to squeeze in some time for me. We can do something that's actually fun.

Hazal: Have you been too busy for me lately, handsome?

“I don’t really know if life allows that. At least not in my experience.” He kept his tone light not wanting to make the conversation heavy with a topic that they avoided more often than not about Keegan’s sexuality. “I am. Is it working?” He put his hand back back out to him. “Badly enough I’ll let you have the next two movie night choices and a neck massage?” It was all there was to barter as their date nights all looked about the same.

“Guess it depends what you’re talking about,” he shrugged, not wanting to get into the weeds of it, but just broaching the subject had him feeling a bit off. For so long he’d just pushed these types of feelings into the back corners of his mind, but having someone who was growing increasingly important to him like this just put it in the forefront. “If I said no, how would you feel?” He asked, taking the hand, but just to pull Graham closer to him. “With those movie choices, do I also get to pick dinner?”

“Well I spent the first 20 years of it living it the other way. This one is preferred.” In many ways he still had insecurities that made him care more than he liked but he fought it when he could. Feeling much less suffocated since getting away from his family. “But you’re not by yourself,” he pointed out, going over to his phone to change the song to something slower to see if it would persuade Keegan. “And the reason is because I really want to dance with you.”

“There has to be some kind of middle ground,” he rose his brows and gave a little shrug. He knew that Graham’s way of life was better, that wasn’t news to him. He envied it, but he couldn’t bring himself there. “Trying to romance me now?” He asked, a little chuckle laced into his words. “How badly do you want to dance with me, huh?”

“I call it… Not giving a shit,” he shrugged. He rolled his eyes at the rejection but a small laugh followed, not giving up quite yet. “It’s just you and me.  What could possibly be so bad for anything to even be perceived?”

“Mmm, it’s certainly one way to live life,” Keegan shrugged. He knew that he cared too much, it was part of the reason he liked being around Graham. He felt no judgement, admired the way Graham was able to just be in ways Keegan felt he never would. “I will just feel like a moron all by myself,” he shrugged. “Never been much of a dance for no reason kind of guy.”