Kayden Vincent

I've found ways to make sure nobody notices.

I've gotten good at pretending to be them, again.

There's something so nostalgic and comforting about throwing up dinner I didn't even eat.

Look how good I am, at this.

Being present as a part of a relationship that is not mine.

I am not in love with them.

Will never be.

They do not hold me when I get cold,

But they still make me hot tea sometimes.

They tell me about the book their writing.

They're the only person I let read mine.

Yet, at least.

I am cold often, these days, and sometimes

Even when surrounded by friends who know me

As I am,

I cant help but remember all the old friends

Who are gone, or gone for now.

We were talking about the first time we ever played

Catan, the other day,

That work party.

Remembered kyle and the others from that job,

Back when that job was a family.

Things change so much, and when you count the years

The number seems so small.

Too small. Too short.

But

The time is now, and it keeps on going.

We're moving in with percy in the fall.

They've been making financial plans about

Moving to Maine.

Ash is thrilled.

He likes them a lot.

I hated them at first but

Theyre a good friend.

Good for ari, too.

I think maybe it will be a good change.

A good step.

Of course we're all nervous but

I thing it will all be okay.

We can all only go forwards.

Missed this disorder, missed this empty

Missed these cigarettes and the diet cokes

And these late, dark nights

And the bathroom floor.

I hate how much I missed

The blood and bile of it

How the fingers pale, all bruised knuckle and

Teeth indented flesh and throbbing veins, how it

Seem so clear, so vivid

Like its all been dull during the time between

I hate how good the burning feels

How good the growling sounds

I hate how much the sick part of me hopes

We just keep going back and forth like this forever;

I know we'll 'get better' again because thats how it always seems to go

But ive hit the point, and I think we both have,

Where that doesnt really sound 'better'

Where it would be easier to stay this way and not bother with the recovery again

I hate how badly I hope we don't this time and I know thats the disorder talking too but

Im trying to remember

What I did to feel, a few years ago-

But theres a whole gap where a wide open world once was and I cant fill a kingdom in me

And the last i remember before that that filled that space was

Being even more empty and maybe thats

Part of the fucking issue, too

Maybe if we make enough space in us again

Some monster will come to fill up the gaps with kingdoms and oceans and shit again

But I know that isnt how it works, I do,

But I cant think of any other reason that we want this

So fucking badly, lately.

We stayed up for four days, working full time,

We only kept two meals down that whole time

Of course we feel like fucking shit but

God doesn't it feel kind of fucking great, too?

Its sick but I hope we just

Pop tabs from the cans and a spine like a staircase

But no spine at all, not even a little, really,

Id say I had starlight eyes if I were kinder to the reality of myself

Or noon sky eyes if i still felt the potential of waking up someday, somehow.

Violet and violent have a lot in common,

The under eye shadows are heavier because

Im doing my best to sleep less, even though

They're back breaking to carry and hard to look at

I dont look in the mirror often enough for that to be my problem, though, so who really cares?

Fingers too bony for jewelry and too empty, anyway

I dont know when i started biting my nails

Or if maybe I always have;

Some jagged and some long and some broken and bloody, like broken teeth, almost,

But i dont reach for food often enough for them to compare-

Isnt it all just so ironic?

Hair long enough to hide in, mess enough but mostly managed black oil kelp, why would it matter, really?

I can see all the blue black roads up and down my arms and they all know my name.

I know they do, because they whisper it at night

Calling me to them again but I'm not supposed to

Travel that way anymore.

Mystery bruises like punching a peach

I dont remember where each one came from but I remember they must have come, so they do, some days.

I just wanted to write something describing myself

And here we are, I guess.

I'm still trying to be more positive

But I still don't like myself, at all.

The real question is which says more-

That or the attempt at optimism despite it?

If it's good maybe I'll publish it someday.

Maybe, emma, you'll pull a book from a shelf And read it and maybe you'll think

"We're in this."

I wrote the dedication first, as motivation. I dedicated it to us, from back then. To all of us. To everything.

--

On thanksgiving i built a christmas tree and covered it in flower lights from the thrift store down the street. It came out nice. It doesnt have much color.

The flowers are all white.

But its nice.

It feels fresh.

--

We started a new job at starbucks as supervisors. Everyone there seems nice.

--

We had to delete tumblr for a while. We lost almost twenty pounds in a month and it was getting really bad. But we took a break and we're both feeling better again, so I redownloaded it. We unfollowed the dumb shit.

--

Its okay to be alone. Its okay to just let things go. Its okay to take breaks. I can be alone and not be lonely. I have friends. I'm okay. I'll keep getting better. I'll get better. We all will.

--

Im going to celebrate Hanukkah with percy this year.