when you’re a bi woman, you grow up fully expecting to spend your life with a man. when you’re young that doesn’t seem like a bad thing because you do like boys! boys are cute and make your heart do flips when they give you attention and show you kindness. it feels right that you will spend your life with one. you don’t think about how you feel around girls, because you think it’s normal. you don’t question why you have an urge to be affectionate with the girls in your life, why you are so fixated on pretty girls, why you want to be friends with the girls you think are cute but you’re too nervous to talk to them. you don’t question it because you like boys. but when you get older you realize that not every girl feels like you do about other girls. you hear the word lesbian spat as an ugly word, the idea of liking other girls is talked about like a disgusting thing. you realize it’s not seen as normal to want to kiss other girls or to fixate on the pretty girls in your favorite shows rather than the boys. so you focus on boys.
when you get older, boys are rude and crass and you feel like you should appreciate them if they treat you with an ounce of respect, but the girls closest to you still treat you with kindness and you feel more comfortable with them than you ever have around boys. you start learning about gay people, and that not everyone thinks it’s a horrible thing, but you still know that you like boys, so you don’t think about it. you finally hear the word bisexual, learn that there are people who are able to like both boys and girls. you think that might be you, but you probably like boys more. liking boys has always come naturally to you, so what if you love being around girls? you probably couldn’t feel romantic feelings about them. plus the word bisexual is wrapped in negative thoughts, it’s not real, it makes you a slut, you just want attention, you’re in denial. but time passes and you think that maybe you are bi, but you don’t want to tell people because you think you might just be convincing yourself of an attraction that isn’t there. but it is, and you find yourself thinking about kissing girls more. having sex with girls too. but that’s wrong, you shouldn’t think of girls that way, especially straight girls. that makes you creepy and predatory! no better than the boys you have started to grow wary of. you’re lying to yourself, you’re straight. you are going to end up with a man anyway, your mom says it’s just a phase, she’s probably right. but you start to see girls in relationships with each other on tv, online, some in your school. and you want it. you think it looks real and beautiful, like the most comfortable thing you could do. so maybe you could have that. maybe you can love girls and hold their hand. maybe your attraction to men doesn’t mean you have any less of a capacity to love a woman. you can picture it now. but you will marry a man, of course you will marry a man. but what if you don’t? what if you could have a wife? what if you grow old with a woman and love her more than anyone? what if you don’t have to think of men as the default. suddenly the word “wife” is the best word you can imagine yourself saying. you are attracted to men, but you love women and can spend your life loving one. there is nothing more healing for a bi woman than realizing that saying the phrase “my wife” is a reality you can have, a tangible reality, and one day you can get there.
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