~Positive Vibes~

“Late night thoughts ft. you”

“i used to compare our relationship to the feeling you get after exercising. you don’t really want to do it but you know it will be good for you. you know it’s the right thing to do and you’ve made some many mistakes in your life so you don’t want to make them anymore, even irrelevant ones. but you know, a relationship shouldn’t be a chore or a way to fix all your previous mistakes. your heart has to be in it 100% and i didn’t want to take that from you, the opportunity to feel how amazing it is to love and be loved. so i stopped making metaphors and thinking only with my head and i gave my heart a little more control and i swear it got me somewhere i’d never thought i’d be. Looking back, every mistake is beautiful, because now you’ve got the opportunity to never make the same mistake again and there is learning in it. You’re the one who experiences your thoughts and beliefs. You’re the one who hears them. and You’re the one who can control them. So… I learned to be something else. Something different. Something more and unique. That means that you’re not required to do whatever your thoughts wish for you to do. You don’t have to obey them. They’re not in charge — you are. The real you and there i found self love. so… somewhere there I’m conscious of the fact that a relationship cannot survive on its own. It needs the care and nurturing of both, giving to each other in a way that creates a mutually beneficial connection. And I think eventually for healthy relationships there needs some clear communication, understanding, trust, honesty, kindness, Respect, loyalty, safety, compromise, acceptance and unconditional love.”

“Let your mind and heart rest for a while. You will catch up, the world will not stop spinning for you, but you will catch up. Take a rest.”

“You’re worse than the nicotine in my cigarettes. You might actually be the reason why I don’t live anymore.”

“I am tired I am tired because I went on a date with my first girlfriend and I held her hand and we might not be gay but to everyone else it looks that way and I see the people look at us, judging us, we are only holding hands and a man claps and cheers when he sees us we are only holding hands when a teenage girl looks at us and scowls and we are still only holding hands We broke up because we couldn’t be together in public and we couldn’t be together in private and I I am tired I am tired because I went on a date with my first boyfriend and we got no second looks because it might have been gay but it sure didn’t look that way and I could hold his hand, I could do more than hold his hand I could put my arm around him and hug him and kiss him without any judgement and we could be together and be happy and we didn’t have to worry about who might see us we didn’t have to make sure we were in private when we touched we didn’t have to search for those second glances. He broke up with me because he couldn’t stand being with a guy who still looked like a girl and I I am tired I am tired because I go home everyday and I have to pretend that I am comfortable being the sister and the daughter that I know I’m not even when I’m the only one who knows I’m not. My 3 year old brother, my brother who is so young and impressionable and could learn to see me as his older brother instead of sister will never get the chance to learn that, he will never know me as a brother he will never know me as who I am he could be the first one to know me as a brother without any opposition or thought otherwise and I I am tired I am tired because my mother constantly reminds me that I finally look like a grown women, of how I am such a powerful women in a mans world, of my constant overlapping undeniable femininity, of my inability to transition and even without knowing that I am trans, that I am one of the people she preaches against she does this and I I am tired I am so fucking tired”

“She was

Sigh:

Endings