pigment in the water

"You will never, ever, hear me say that you, the real you, is anything but good."

There’s, like, the part where Sam emphatically Does Not Want to talk about Lucifer thanks very much, especially where someone in the know is involved.

Because Sam knows Cas was in his head, and he knows Cas went insane for a little while from it, and he knows Cas scooped his body from the Cage. So, Sam has on some level an uncomfortable, tangible awareness that Cas is one of the only actual witnesses to what was done to him. And that’s humiliating. That’s hard to touch.

Cas suffered from Sam’s suffering in a direct sense, even if it wasn’t Sam’s doing. So that’s awkward.

But also, it means Sam wouldn’t have to explain anything, really? If he wanted to share a moment with Cas like he shared with Rowena, he wouldn’t have to put it into words. He could just use a brief little line to reference the truth he knows Cas has already seen.

Sam only reached out to Rowena when he was trying to help her/make a point to her about her own suffering. Similarly, I think him reaching out to Cas about Lucifer would have to be firmly grounded in the context of Cas’s Hashtag Lucifer Trauma, and not his own.

But that never really gets to happen. And I think there are decent reasons why the activation barrier for that particular conversation is so high.

First off, Cas was never hurt by Lucifer in the cruel, direct, personal ways that Sam and Rowena were. Lucifer has killed Cas twice, and he possessed Cas, and he’s hurt people Cas cares about, and he’s the reason for like, most of Cas’s worst problems. But he never set out to hurt Cas in particular. He doesn’t really care about torturing Cas specifically. He never took his time. The very worst of Cas’s Hashtag Lucifer Trauma, is.... well, still Sam’s, actually. Which is not something Sam would like to reach out to Cas to address for him.

It’s always Cas who is gung-ho about plans involving Lucifer, and Sam who is understandably cautious. Cas is put in situations over and over in late seasons where he’s got a choice about using/teaming up with Lucifer, and he pretty much always chooses to do it. Saying yes and the Amara fight in s11, their jailbreak in s13, going after him in 13.21... I’d even classify his insistence on protecting Kelly and unborn Jack in s12 in this category, too.

And this is complicated. Cas has all the context in the world as to why it’s a bad idea to try to cooperate with Lucifer even in the short term, but he consistently does that calculus and decides to play the odds anyway. And sometimes this makes Sam really visibly frustrated and even hurt, even betrayed, like in 11.14 and 13.21.

But Cas is also right when he tells Sam he knows what Lucifer is, and that he understands why Sam is afraid, and that he’s weighed his options. Cas has just put different weights on things than Sam would. And that, sometimes, hurts.

It’s not that Cas is devaluing Sam, or his trauma, necessarily. It’s just because Cas is focused on an endgame that he thinks is more important than any of their discomfort. Which is, yknow, kinda valid. But that is a role that is usually Sam’s to play—saying, hey, let’s put our personal feelings aside and get this done. Which displaces Sam a little bit, and might even make him more resistant, and definitely makes him feel selfish.

Cas really, deeply cares about protecting Sam from Lucifer. As early as 5.10 there’s that lovely scene of Cas fronting on Lucifer in Sam’s defense. He overcame Lucifer in 11.14 for Sam. He saved Sam’s body from the Cage, and he saved Sam from his s7 psychosis. He’s been in the trenches against Lucifer, next to Sam, in a way that no one else, not even Dean, has.

Must be weird, you looking at me and seeing him.

...Yeah.