You seem different but in a way that gives me hope that this won't end like all the times before, and I really hope it doesn't end like it always does.

It feels like we're both in different head spaces, me not craving a word from you every second of the day, maybe that's because I'm just preparing myself for the damage that could ensue when you abruptly just disappear from my life again.

I don't think feeling wise has changed because we picked right back up where we left off.

Maybe this time when we get to be in each others actual presence again I won't fuck it up and say things I shouldn't.

Disbelief

Shocked

Angry

Confused

Happy

How can something that I wanted so long ago now come out of your mouth, 7 SEVEN years. It took you 7 years and a whole lot of liquor to tell me you'll always love me and you're sorry & you'll always protect and take care of me.

If things were different I probably would've let you kiss me, if I didn't have a conscious we could've made horrible beautiful mistakes.

The looks, the way you pulled me off the barstool to slow dance with you. It felt so surreal. When you grabbed my door and pulled me close by my car to dance - you don't even know how much I love the song that was on the radio and now it'll be even more special to me - fuck you.

You asked me if I hate you, I said no. That's the honest truth, regardless of everything, trust me I tried to hate you and I can't. You said that means something and I just turned my head.

My heads in a whirlwind and you'll never know because we can't go back.

You told me that our story would be great if things had been different back then.. That leaves me asking, if it could've happened back then why not now? What's holding you back now?

I've never come out and said how exactly I feel. If I have then it probably scared you off and we never spoke about it again. Go figure.

If I hasn't told you a month ago what I had been keeping a secret, would you still be active in my life? You would've found something else to "trigger" you. I think you like to run when things get to a point right before getting serious or a step in a serious direction. Maybe that's why you pulled away back then. Oh well. Here I am getting some of these whirl wind thoughts out.

I want to be the peaceful and calmness when your storm rages on like the waves in a hurricane.

Did you feel that rage silence when we hugged? Like the weight of the world stood still for a moment. For me it's like one hug and there's not a care in the world.

What I would give to lay beneath the moon and stars with you wrapped up in a blanket, head on your chest hearing nothing but our hearts beating. Oh what a night that would be.

I'd let you see the real true raw me if you'd let me. You told me about the darkest of days that you've survived. I'm so proud of you, so proud that you're bettering yourself. I hope you know that I root for you, everyday.

I'm too much for people.

I have no boundaries but yet have high and tough walls built up around me.

I have anxiety like a sumbitch.

I can have a panic attack while sleeping (that takes skill, apparently)

I have abandonment issues (thank you donor)

For some reason I feel that s*x is the only thing important to a guy, In a true but not true way. (Thanks to the boy who was 3 years older than me who was in high school while I was in middle school and forced my hand down his pants after I said I wasn't comfortable.)

I feel attracted to those who don't want me or don't put in any effort or truth to wanting me or feeling the same way I do. (Not sure why this is, prob thanks to the donor)

I really enjoy the chase and having my feelings hurt, obviously I hate this because it fucking utterly destroys me.

I like to believe people don't mean to hurt me even when they've shown numerous times they don't care about anyone not even themselves.

About 2-3 years ago I finally stopped starving myself and now I feel like a cow and can't lose weight. Damn, I miss being tiny. But being 105 at my age was labeled "unhealthy" "skin & bones"

I dated a guy who choked me out because I wanted to spend Easter with MY family. He also controlled everything, he was cheating on me and I was made out to be the bad person. I tried to leave him many times once he even told me he was going to kill himself over me leaving, apparently his dad walked in on him with a musseloader in his mouth. *not taking suicide lightly at all* but this is not okay to say or do to try and get someone to stay with you. The fondest memory is the night he was driving me home and he started freaking out yelling and screaming at me, drove his truck really fast and basically tried to kill us, yeah what a real man. Hope his daughter never ever has to see him act like that or gets in a relationship with anyone like him. No one deserves that shit.

I enjoy writing. I can have one thing in mind and then writing it down I just ramble on about whatever else comes to mind while I'm writing.

Like this post. I unloaded a very short version of some parts of this to someone the other night and it was brushed off 😅

I know he's not right for me, we've never actually dated but for the last two years I can't seem to get him off my mind. He's got baggage too, probably more than me and that's okay because as ADTR said "I'm a sucker for a complication and those who are weak at the seams" I feel I can fix the broken pieces like they're fucking flower pots that just need to be watered and have sunlight. I'm more sunny for others than I am for myself.

Like waves crashing, pushing and pulling me back in and then back out to sea.

The sun shines, I finally get out of bed after what feels like days. Chest isn't heavy, I move without twinge.

Cold floors under my feet chill me to the bone but atleast I feel something.

Turn the radio on, do a dance and paint a smile on. Now I'm ready for the day.

Maybe it was my fault

The simple question of "are you only talking to me because you're lonely?"

Either way, I know you'd find some reason to just run off, you don't know how to face things head on.

You said if things had been different some years ago that our story would've been great, but the way you act now makes me think you lied.

It takes work, a lot of work to make a story great and you don't seem like you put enough into things. Maybe that's just who you are.

Maybe this was the last time that I get my hopes up about you.

Maybe this is the universe telling me that I should and have to let go for good. As much as I don't want to I know that it's for the best. There are a few things that I should tell you but it wouldn't matter, the past is past and I guess that's where I'll have to leave you.

So long,

It won't ever be me, you'll always choose someone or something else over me.

You fill my head with illusions of make believe, take me to the edge and just when I think it's going somewhere you cut the rope and I fall and am left dangling over the edge.

I know there are things in the way but if we could have a real and raw conversation, face to face you would see it in my eyes and on my face that I am in fact for real.

I don't know how many times I've told you that I choose you but I can't do anything when YOU don't let me.

You bitch about your "nightly company" day in and day out, let them send you into a downward spiraling depression yet let them continue to do so. So either you're lying to me about it or you're just fucked. Don't tell me you'd rather do this this and that with me and then turn around and run away and lay with them because I look like a fool for opening up my scars just have them bleed once again, like every time.

I do it every time knowing it always ends the same way.

Atleast this time you were more open about some of your feelings, it's small but I'll take it as a win. I'd rather hear you speak it aloud rather than read it through a text but I'll take you in whatever way you allow.

I'm a sucker for those that have a dark sense just like me. You said if things had been different our story would be great and baby I bet if we allow our two storms to collide we could light the world up like nothing has ever done before.

Sure, I keep this going in my mind that maybe one day things could or will work out but everyday that you leave me to sit here and think I doubt we'd ever get the chance. Part of me will always feel whatever this feeling is for you, I don't mind it, sure it gets dark but every night the moon hangs and then sun shines again.

Let me step off, don’t hold my hand

You don’t want the commitment

It’s a long ways down

It feels like it did back then..Happy, sad and intoxicating.

I know you're no good for me but it felt so good to hear you didn't stop caring you were just respecting those involved.

It's been over a year, a lot has changed. You kept tabs on me like I have on you.

We are a beautiful disaster

If being friends is all we can have then I'll gladly take it. Just talking to you sends me into whirl.

I'll never tell, I'll keep it to myself because if I let it go too far I'll lose everything.

Butttt of course life has to throw a curve ball my way.. There you were, sitting at gate C2. The exact gate that I needed for my flight this morning. Of all people to be traveling or be at the airport at 5 a.m

I think you were just as surprised as I was.

I liked that we sat together, even tho we barely spoke, I guess I just like your presence. Weird.

You were off to Colorado and I to Utah.

It made me happy but sad to see you.

Not sure what to make of it, maybe the universe was being cruel to me or maybe it means something greater than that.

"Hello there The angel from my nightmare, Where are you? I miss you, I need somebody and always" this song in particular.

I do miss you, but doubt you miss or even think about me. I've tried to forget about you, trust me!

Not literally or physically

But in my mind I can't move

I can't move from the thoughts of you, you and me. I know I should because it's so wrong to be thinking of you at all.