One thing i've learned from my time at this company and also from my partner's mom is that it's really important to appreciate the differences in people to build successful teams.

People often think that if someone just listened to them and did it their way, then they would win. But imagine you had a team with people all like you. That means your team would have all the same strengths and all the same weaknesses, leaving you with huge blind spots.

Everyone is different and has unique strengths and weaknesses. The more diverse your team is, the greater range of strengths you have access to. Making the most of those variety of strengths can improve the results you get and protect you from each person's blindspots.

We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people's reactions; nor are they responsible for ours.

If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised and we are uncertain about what new position to take or what options we have available to us. To recognize our lack of clarity is not a weakness but an opportunity, a challenge, and a strength.

It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while. Too often, anger propels us to take positions that we have not thought through carefully enough or that we are not really ready to take.

It's important to clarify what you actually want for yourself and how to make that happen instead of focusing on what you want from others. The growing inner conviction that we can no longer continue to overfunction or underfunction for our own sake is the most important part.

People can be afraid of separateness which can make them uncertain about stating their positions.

Countermoves are par for the course when we begin to define a stronger self. People also feel afraid of separateness from others when they're on the receiving end of someone's clarified independence, and will frequently test or protest these new changes before setting in.

Relationships are circular (A and B are mutually reinforcing) rather than linear (A causes B or B causes A). Once a pattern is established in a relationship, it is perpetuated by both parties.

Overfunctioners and underfunctioners reinforce each other's behavior in a circular fashion. Example #1. Person A underfunctioning in making decisions for themself by being lazy or relying on Person B to make the decision can result in the Person B overfunctioning even more by making even more decisions. Example #2. Person A being very upset about Person B's work problems can result in Person B feeling not upset and not owning their own problems because Person A is overfunctioning and upset enough for the two of them.

Communication styles make little difference if the person does not modify their over or underfunctioning position.

"Dear Young People

I wonder if I am the oldest person to post on this forum? It was a young lady who told me about this forum and I have read many of your posts and comments for a few weeks. Many have made me smile. Some have made me wince.

It appears to me, many of you on here to validate your life changing decision. Finding people similar to you is important and I understand the need. So can I just say, from my experience, your decision is a good one! And if you want to know why I think that, please give me 5 minutes of your time.

I was married for just over 50 years. We bucked the norm and did not want kids. In those days we said “we are trying” for a few years and then “we cannot have kids” case closed. It was our personal secret. It was nobody’s business. If we were honest and said “we cannot have kids, because we just don’t want them” the fallout with family and friends would have been tough for us.

Our 50 years in a nutshell was perfect. Good jobs, no money worries, followed our own interests and hobbies. Had many friends and many lovely nieces and nephews. If I could go back in time, would I do it again? (being childfree), 100% yes. I would live the same life one thousand times.

I know and have known many people. This is my humble observation:

GROUP A: They have kids, have a great life and all is perfect. I know many, so it can and does happen.

GROUP B: They have kids, it is a hard life and they have problems. Many wish they could have a childfree do over.

GROUP C: They have kids, all is good. But then the empty nest and dwindling contact breaks their hearts.

GROUP D: The childfree group. I only knew a few.

I cannot give breakdowns and percentages for all the groups. The bottom line, in my experience, GROUP D is always the happiest and most content. Of course there are a many happy people from GROUP A too.

My husband died 10 years ago. I mourned him and still miss him every day. But being childfree means this; my life was never defined by kids. I had a strong network of friends and so many hobbies. I was able to move forward. Life goes on and I have a full and happy life and a new partner.

My friends who have lost their partner, who have kids, their common problems is their kids don’t give them enough time. It upsets and hurts them. They are too reliant on them. They expect “payback” for all the time and money they spend on them. Their interest and hobbies are sometimes nonexistent, because everything is/was about their kids (and grandkids). One friend said this, which I never forgot “the empty nest thing is real, it is like being dumped by the love of your life after two or three decades, but staying friends. It is never the same”

I now have a private apartment in “rest home”. Lovely friends, full busy days and lovely staff, one being the young lady who has asked me many questions about being childfree and told me about this forum.

Good luck to you all."

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