Heart & Flesh

Precisely 3 months ago today, I stepped outside without a nurse or nurse’s assistant by my side for the first time in a week. The prior days were spent abiding by a timely schedule, being shuffled to and fro in a maze of a building fraught with locked doors, and following a dress code that spoke of disallowing hoodies, belts, and shoestrings. I found myself in a land where your safety is prioritized over your freedom out of necessity, not out of desire for control. And thus, for 7 days, staff at a psychiatric hospital focused on a girl who arrived with a severe episode of Major Depression with suicidal ideation, and who was trying to fight for any shred of hope amidst overwhelming tears and terrifying, uncontrollable racing thoughts. 

And yes, that girl was me.

Now, the previous words scribbled above have probably already made several of you pouring over the bluntly honest words shuffle in your seat out of discomfort or disturbance. Wondering whether or not you should, or could, continue reading a post about such a bleak and arduous topic as mental illness and its facets. (Or perhaps some view mental illness as an imaginative falsehood people employ to excuse their shortcomings. Which I will say right now, I wholeheartedly disagree with, and I will speak to that in the coming phrases.)

But let me assure you, I am not devising this post as a means of promoting dismally destructive ideations, but of putting forth hope and love for all individuals, suffering from mental illness or not. So, please, keep reading.

And surely there are also those reading who are already mourning over my “reputation” that will now seemingly be tarnished by the admission of struggling with my mind at times. People who say: 

“You don’t want others thinking differently of you, do you?.....”

 “Now that you’ve posted this, surely future employers will see this and know that you’ve struggled with depression and take that into consideration.....”

“Men don’t want women who struggle with anxiety and depression because it’s too overbearing, so go ahead and get used to the idea of living your life as a single woman forever.....”. 

And yes, all of these are “points” people share with those who struggle with mental health, believe it or not. People, uncomfortable or dismissive of the topic, try to shove mental health back into the shadows using rejection as the key motivator. Because if we don’t address destructive monsters and stick our heads in the sand, recklessly ignoring crucial elements of life, then “the monsters won’t exist,” and we can continue to bask in our flawless reputations, right? 

To all of this, let me be clear: We cannot ignore mental health. It is VERY REAL and must not be ignored, but must be addressed with vulnerability and sincerity, aiming at figuring out how to better help those struggling with it, and how to better equip individuals on assisting those who are in need. 

And, as far as my “reputation” is concerned, I do not give a flying rip if others view me differently as a result. 

Because this topic needs to be addressed.

 And stereotypes need to be challenged.

Because, guess what? People suffer from mental illness silently every day, afraid to speak up out of crippling fear that others will indeed view them differently, or view them as “damaged goods”, or that they will be told that “it’s made up in their mind because depression isn’t real” or that someone will tell them that “they just aren’t trusting God enough”.

In my nearly 27 years, I’ve always been described as relentlessly bold in one way or another. Whether it be my outlandish sense of style, vehemently standing by subjects I deem of paramount importance, reiterating optimism despite a dismal outlook, or being decisively upfront in letting others know that I truly care about them despite the entire possibility (or probability) of rejection. 

I am not motivated by the reputation tattooed on me by man. 

I am motivated by the honesty, boldness, and passion God has placed within me. And I do not intend to let it lay to waste in any facet. And not when it comes to something as critical as mental health. I will not let my experience go unused. And thus, I continue.....

One of the things about mental health is that, often, there is a stereotype associated with those who suffer. Those who are overwhelmed by these illnesses are :

“The loners”.....

”Those who spend their days huddled in their bed with the lights off and blinds drawn, watching emotionally destabilizing movies until their tears could water a garden”.....

“The goth who dresses in all black and creates dark art”.....

“Those who are wasting away with drugs”.....

“Those covered with tattoos head to toe and who have multiple piercings”.....

The list goes on and on.

But hardly ever would you hear anyone say the one suffering is notably:

“The individual known for astonishingly optimistic speech”.....

“The one who is smiling at nearly all times”.....

“The one who wears whimsical and happy ensembles”.....

“The one who spends their time engulfed in social interaction”.....

“The one who has unequivocal energy and seeks opportunity”..... 

“The one who believes that God has a reason for everything”.....

“The one who thrives on making others smile”..... and so on.

You just don’t hear that. 

Because, subconsciously, many don’t believe that those people could *truly* be suffering internally if we cannot easily identify their struggle from the sidelines. 

We unknowingly become regulators and referees of the internal emotional lives of others, sometimes making horrendous calls due to the inability to see the play with clarity.

As a culture, we are often taught that you can tell everything you need to know about a person from the outer shell, or that you can easily identify whether or not someone is “doing okay”. But that is simply not always the case.

Many of those suffering, including myself, don’t fit the “profile of the troubled”. I have had numerous people speak to me since briefly opening up about my mental health, and many of them had said variations on the following: 

“You were always the optimistic, smiley one. I never even considered that you might battle with depression.”

“You look healthy, though.”

“You have so much going for you, though.”

“You are the energetic, nice one.”

“You looked so put together, though.”

“You are so laid back and easy to talk to, though. You’ve always been carefree.”

“You’re the most free-spirited person I know.”

Now, I know that each and every person who spoke those words to me are very well-meaning individuals and who in no way were discounting my experiences. And I love each and every one of those people dearly. They were merely speaking to the idea that I am trying to portray to you right know. Which is that depression and mental illness don’t follow our “guidelines”.

Unbeknownst to me, my reputation had apparently decided for me that I was not eligible to apply for a diagnosis of depression with suicidal ideation, anxiety, or panic disorder. And that is something I want to bring to people’s attention.

I am one of the many faces of depression.

Depression and mental illness does NOT have a “look”.

It does NOT follow stereotypes.

It does NOT care if you smile or frown.

It does NOT care if you are social or a hermit.

If does NOT care if you’re rich or poor.

It does NOT care if you believe in God or not.

It does NOT care if your life looks good from the outside.

It simply does NOT CARE.

Everyone is vulnerable to mental illness. Sure, there are individuals who may be more susceptible to it due to a family history, such as me, but that does not mean that everyone else will remain untouched.

Life is difficult. We may endure stress, trauma, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, PTSD, destabilizing life changes, and the like.

The smiling, optimistic individual is not invincible, just as the “stereotypically disturbed” person is not invincible.

Keep this in mind. 

It is NOT up to us to decide if someone is hurting or not. If they confide in you that they are hurting, BELIEVE THEM. Even if they do not radiate the stereotypical signs. And even if what is hurting them would not have hurt you to that degree. We do not get to decide for someone else.

Do not be afraid to ask questions and dig deep with people in emotional vulnerability. And don’t be afraid to ask the challenging questions should you find that someone is indeed hurting. There is nothing more loving that you could do in that instance.  I would rather someone ask a personal question, and everything be okay, than have someone assume someone is doing well, and find out that they were wrong, too late.

Don’t be afraid to ask them if they’ve considered hurting themselves. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they have a plan. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they’ve considered suicide. 

Many people feel as though asking these questions may instill those ideas in that person’s mind, but that goes against findings in the mental health field. If those ideas are going to be in someone’s mind, they’re already in their mind when you ask.

My sister, a counselor, asked me the hard questions through what was quite honestly, the most overwhelmingly unwelcome and distressing mental anguish I’ve ever experienced, and it is perhaps one of the reasons why I am still here today.  

Diving deeper into the hearts of those around you, suffering or not, is one of the most crucial things you could do to show your love and support, and that it is not superficial, but it is unwavering even in the face of difficulty.

Because suffering does not just happen externally, with broken bones and broken flesh, but it happens internally with broken hearts and chemical imbalances in the brain.

One of the reasons many people don’t consider mental illness or depression to be a “true medical issue” is the fact that it cannot be seen externally, with an X-ray, or a blood test. However, the lack of these distinctive exams does not indicate that mental illness or depression is a figment of the imagination. Rather, depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain that creates mental AND physical reactions.

Yes, there is the mental misery (which can be unbearable), but there are also physical consequences that can occur such as: 

Elevated heart rate

Increased blood pressure

Tingling of limbs and / or other body parts such as the face

Shaking, trembling

Decreased / increased appetite

Lethargy

Crying spells

Insomnia or hypersomnia

Panic attacks (which often also boast of difficulty breathing and chest pain, and honestly feel like you will legitimately bite the dust in a matter of moments), 

and so forth.

Mental illness and depression impact people more than just emotionally and psychologically. It is also physical.

Depression is not a choice, as some people say. 

Nobody would ever choose to endure this debilitating illness. To have their mind turn against them....to have their body rebelling. I promise you, nobody would choose that pain, given the option.

I did NOT choose those destructive thoughts racing through my mind. 

I did NOT want to be afraid that I would hurt myself. 

I couldn’t explain to you how, the day after my panic attacks began and my depression entirely unleashed itself, I saw pictures of myself and my friends on my bedroom wall and my mind whispered that those would be the only pictures I’d ever have together with those I love, that they would be displayed at my memorial, and how I wept uncontrollably as a result of that lie. 

I can’t explain to you how precisely the mind wields its sword of destruction, causing torment. 

But I know that mental health and mental agony is REAL and it can be vicious and unrelenting. 

That is not to scare you. But it is to promote awareness in ourselves and others.

The images and thoughts were not my choice. 

My mind was looking for a way out of the legitimate pain I was experiencing, and that is precisely why I sought help. 

So I would still be alive today. 

Trust me when I say that I would never have willingly chosen that pain. Nobody would have. Although I do believe that God must have a purpose in me having walked through it. 

Whether it is that I have learned more about myself, or that I could help even one person through sharing my experience.

My week in the psychiatric hospital, was, in total transparency, a blessing. 

Yes, you read that right. A BLESSING.

It allowed me to separate myself from the immediate stressors that were slowly drowning me.

It allowed me to be placed on a medication to assist in correcting the chemical imbalance in my brain.

It was a refuge of safety in a time where I was trying so hard to reject satan’s lies and trying to fight for myself and a future.

It was a time of bonding with those around me, in solidarity, reiterating that EVERYONE IS IMPORTANT.

I sat with other women who shared their stories.

Stories of attempted suicide. When their saving grace was that they hadn’t yet pulled the trigger when they passed out from the meds.

Stories of relapsing in addiction and wanting to break free from its hold on their life.

Stories of losing their family members while using drugs and how they regret not being there in their loved one’s last moments.

Stories of hurting themselves, but having no recollection of it happening.

Stories of living with a physical disability after an accident and struggling with the will to live, and struggling with feeling as though they were worth it despite their handicaps.

It was a zone of vulnerability and realness that I hadn’t experienced before.

These women were REAL about their struggles. 

They were HONEST about their emotional state. 

And that is something that I have rarely crossed paths with in the outside world, but I’ve always hoped I would encounter. 

I am so thankful to know now that it’s possible to speak openly and have others embrace it and then reciprocate unabashedly.

Ultimately, the location in which I met these women is insignificant, although society would often label them (us) regardless. These women were there to get help, which ultimately signifies the bravery it takes in the admission of struggling.

I learned an abundance from them. 

You know, we are all exactly the same. 

No matter where we find ourselves. 

We are all worthy of love.

(There may be someone out there thinking “Well, maybe I could have sympathy on everyone except those who have an addiction, because doing those drugs was clearly their choice.” To you, I will say: Yes, using illegal substances is a choice, but who in this life has not chosen to do something that would cause them harm in some form or another? We have ALL made self-destructive choices, whether it be through lying, sexual immorality, pride, manipulation, drugs, etc. But that does not mean that we cease to love, and love wholly. That does not mean that we cease to encourage healing.)

I loved these women who were raw and encouraging.

Who comforted me when I began bawling and shaking at the start of the first day.

Who told me it gets better.

Who told me that I was worth it.

Who spurred me on to face this monster head on.

We were all admittedly “broken”, but used our scraps to make a beautiful work of art anyway.

Being a human is hard enough without the rift that mental illness can create in a conversation. 

Without the stereotyping and labeling that ensues. 

Without the judgment that others may rain down upon us in an attempt to drown out cries for help.

Please, be open. 

Be honest. 

Ask questions. 

Listen.

Be vulnerable.

Reach out.

We do not need anything else to separate us.

We don’t need mental health to continue to be a taboo topic, letting our friends and family believe that they should hide their pain out of sight, or disguise it so as to pass for normalcy.

We truly are all the same.

Sometimes we need to be hugged.

Sometimes we need a listening ear.

Sometimes we need to hear “I love you.”

Sometimes we need to hear “You are worth it.”

Sometimes we need to hear “Me too. You’re not alone.”

In the face of good times.

And in the face of bad times.

And in the face of depression.

Love goes further than we could ever comprehend. Truly.

So, I don’t mind talking about it. 

If you have questions or want to discuss mental health or my experiences, I would love to talk to you about it.

And please just know,

whoever you are reading this:

I love you.

I am a mess of a human being.

Scribbles.

Senseless words.

Feelings which cannot be accurately put into words, but which flood every inch of me regardless, drowning out the outside world in a hasty, wondrous manner.

Unimaginable things and daydreaming seem to be the thread that binds the seconds to one another.

Shifting the clock hands with dexterity and ease.

I am a mess of a human being.

I want to have sleepless nights on the ground, eyes to the sky in the evening air.

Because looking at the stars and their illustrious glow resonates deeper when your head rests on a sweet pillow of dirt and earth.

I want to wander in dense forests, surrounded by days older than I. For they surely have stories and wisdom urging us to return to the simplicity it seems we have all too often forgotten.

I want inspiration to build these bones up.

Because an inspired individual increases in strength simply by the way of joy and believing that there are indescribably beautiful things to come.

And I never want to fear the ground on which I tread.

For He’ll guide my feet, extraordinarily clumsy and wayward as they may be.

...Give me the Lord...

.....Give me adventure.....

.......Give me freedom.......

I hope to walk many miles with these in mind.

Each one slightly different than the rest.

No plan to speak of, just embracing the the view.

Knowing that I’ve lived.

A life of wandering.

A life of wondering.

I believe it’s a beautiful thing to not make plans

Because this allows us to spontaneously make the moment at hand the most important moment we will ever live.

Because I don’t believe that I’ll look back on my life and wish I had planned more.....organized myself in a more “acceptable” manner.....or been rigidly structured.....

I believe I’ll look back and think:

I WAS a mess.

I AM a mess.

Life IS a mess.

I am not a believer in coincidences, but rather a believer in a delicately orchestrated plan from the Father in which everything happens for a reason.

Understanding that reason in this current day and age is not a guarantee, but I believe that, even though I may not fully comprehend an event's significance in the immediate moment, there is still purpose in it far greater than my mind could know on the surface. 

“What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” - John 13:7

As the hourglass' sand shifts with each step taken, life begins to twist us, turn us, and intertwine us with one another in the most beautiful way.

A simple hello.

A smile.

That is all that it takes to changes us forever.

If we allow it.

In my 24 years, I have certainly both denied the change possible and at other times embraced it without reserve.

But I cannot deny that the most rewarding of the two instances is certainly the embracing of the smile, the hello, and the possibility that we could both learn something beautiful from each other.

All different with a life story purely and uniquely our own, it's undeniable that we all have something delightful to offer.

And some of the most important things that I have learned about myself and about life in general have often come from a casual conversation with another.....from watching another live their life fearlessly....

Like when my best friend Natalie, although facing her final days on earth at the ripe age of 15, laughed genuinely despite her circumstances and embraced hope in Jesus, knowing that others would ultimately come to know Him through the story of her life, death, and faith.

Like how my best friend Emily June daily listens to me mumble the weirdest collection of words and simply says "I thought them too," never once judging me for all of my scatterbrained tendencies. And how I know that, good day or bad, I can trust that she will be there to listen. Just as she was today.

And to think that each of those started with a simple "hello" seems to be nothing short of a storytelling masterpiece.

Meeting Natalie in elementary school while playing traveling volleyball, and quickly becoming attached at the hip.

Meeting Emily June randomly through my only ex-boyfriend at a coffee shop some 2+ years ago.

Meetings orchestrated by the Father, and ones in which I am immensely thankful for to this day.

Just two among the innumerable encounters I could discuss that have helped shape me into the person I am today.

We are surrounded by a myriad of opportunities to learn from those around us each and every day and to live life together. Sometimes expected, sometimes unexpected, but undoubtedly lovely beyond explanation, no matter what.

And although I am very aware of the fact that I have not always done the best job embracing the hello, smile, and the possibility that others could change my life by simply being present, I cannot take back the times when I denied the change in the past. I can simply look forward and embrace the chances that do come my way in the future.

Embracing the possibility.

The possibility of the wondrous change that comes with living life next to those around you.

By merely choosing to.

This week in particular has been a week of reflection.

Reminders.

Truth.

And the truth is, every single individual that has ever been, has been made in God's image.

Every. Single. One.

But how often do I go through the day mindlessly without thinking about how I should be loving, serving, and investing in those around me?

Because, ultimately, by investing in the beautiful souls created in His image, I would also be investing in Him.

Uniquely wired to display certain characteristics and traits, each individual has an equally important role in revealing more about the Father who graciously created us through His love.

And therefore, each glimpse into another's life, and each time our lives intertwine with those around us, we can learn more about God and His vastness, if we simply open our eyes.

Each person can show us something new about the Lord, but only if we are willing to look.

I have always believed that each person is absolutely beautiful.

And although someone may be beautiful in a different way than yourself, that does not in any way mean that they are any less beautiful or loved by the Lord. And honestly, I feel as though that is something that is often forgotten about these days.

Popularity seems to reign and comparison is evident everywhere in our society, from who is "prettier", "has a better body", "more normal", or anything else for that matter.....Our society is one of comparison; deeming some individuals more "lovable" or "worthy of our time" than others.

This judgmental mentality has crept into the minds of society by way of our sinful flesh, and it is truly the one thing that breaks my heart perhaps more than anything else.

Who are we to judge anyone else?

Who are we to say that someone is "better" or more "lovable" than another?

Who are we to selfishly lay down snide comments about another with the intention of tearing them down, and thereby attempting to distort the beauty of the image of God?

Of course we will not always get along with everyone that we encounter in life, because our personalities simply may be so different that it makes it hard to see eye to eye. However, that does not give us a free pass to deny them the love and respect that they deserve; the love and respect an image-bearer of God deserves.

We are surrounded by destructive words and actions...

Walking to class.

Wandering around town.

Hearing murmurs such as:

"She's so ugly. She seriously has to know that, right? She has no chance."

"They have to be the weirdest person I've ever met. They don't even deserve friends."

"Let's leave before she sits with us..."

....We've all heard countless comments like these throughout our lives. And it's sad to say that sometimes we may become seemingly immune to this detrimental attitude because it has become so commonplace.

But I can tell you that each time I hear comments such as this, my heart aches (as I hope that yours does) and I want nothing more than to tell the subject of these comments that they are the most beautiful person who ever was.

Because they are.

We are each the most beautiful individual we could possibly be, simply because He created us.

The commonality of all humanity is that we were all created in His image. To reflect bits and pieces of His greatness.

Each person as beautiful as the next.

Each person worth more than anything our hands could hold.

Each person worth more than any dazzling scenery we could gaze upon.

You see, years ago, as a young, daydreaming girl, I envisioned my life going quite differently.

I carefully constructed a colorful map for myself in my head…it swirled with fantastic dreams of where I believed I would be by my age, and it spoke of things I held dearly…

OH… I would be…

—A college grad (of some school far away from Arkansas) who played 4 years of college volleyball. —Working full time somewhere (most likely some sort of social work). —Living somewhere that isn’t Arkansas. —Dating, engaged, or married, or something of the sort (because, let’s face it, when you’re a young one, your early 20s seems so old… And once you do hit your early 20s, you simply just can’t see any old family friend without them asking who you’re madly in love with).

You see, I had plans.

(And for those who know me…I am anything but a planner. So, I thought that was a solid broad plan to work off of).

But, I never would have guessed that I would:

—Go to the U of A, play ball freshmen year and then quit because, you know, it just wasn’t worth it any more. There were finally more important things to me. And I removed myself from an emotionally damaging and stressful situation. —Still be in school, having finished one degree and then deciding to go back to pursue a nursing degree of all things. —Still be in Arkansas of all places. —Be rollin with the single life, answering all those old family friends and relatives with “when it happens, I’ll let you know.”

My life now is simply not on the map that I constructed all those years ago.

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful and intricate in its unexpectedness and sheer messiness at times.

The Father gently takes the withered maps that we carry around with our life plans drawn out….and replaces them with His own map.

Far more colorful. Far more intricate. Far more sturdy. Far more beautiful.

—Because quitting volleyball removed by far the biggest idol in my life. The thing that drowned my thoughts. The thing that owned me and kept me from seeing the Father fully. And by quitting this team, I disallowed emotionally and verbally abusive actions by the coach to have rule over my life any longer. And I can certainly tell you that it was undoubtedly worth it. —Because the only thing I knew I wanted to do with my career was to help people. And now I just have to wait a little bit longer to use my nursing degree to do just that. And I can use my first degree to help others, too. So, the patience will be worth it. —Because if I hadn’t stayed in Arkansas, I truly believe I wouldn’t be the same individual that I am now. The Lord put me here for a reason. And I cannot imagine not knowing the beautiful souls that I now call my friends. —Because patience is a wondrous thing. And I certainly learned things from the one relationship I had a few years ago. (And, funny enough, I actually met my best friend June through it all.) So, lessons learned and friends gained. And now I get to learn how to better love everyone I am around until He decides that the time is right, should that be His will.

Life is unpredictable. And it leaves us vulnerable. But that makes it lovely.

Because we cannot predict what happens next, we have the chance to fully embrace the “now”.

The now that screams of adventure and opportunity and change.

The now that tells us, things may not work out the way we planned, but that it will be wonderful and more colorful than we could have dreamed, if only we seize it.

The now that offers us the chance to love others unconditionally and be thankful for each moment received.

The now that boasts of His will as opposed to my own, for His was far superior to anything I could have possibly imagined on my own.

And truth be told, we have no idea when our now will run out…when we have traveled every inch of that map…

We can merely decide to embrace all that there is, no matter how little or how much we may receive.

"You've got to go on, further than you've ever gone.

You've got to run far from all you've ever known."

Such lovely lyrics from arguably my favorite band, The Oh Hello's...and from arguably my favorite song on their album, Second Child Restless Child.

Of course I say arguably because every note and melody that graces us with its presence on that album is pure gold. And, with that, I am quite all right and will happily continue to struggle with choosing a favorite.

But, you see, it seems that I have become quite attached to this particular sequence of words and find them intriguing and downright truthful.

So, should you ever seem to hear this song blaring from someone's car while they drive...window down (rain or shine)...their hand dancing in the wind as the miles pass...well, I admit that you will have caught me red-handed in my enthusiasm.

Now, when I listen to these lyrics, of course I do not simply mean that we should run away from our problems, ditch everyone, and toss our promises to the side without a care in the world. No, that would simply not be a way to handle anything in a mature and loving manner.

But what I do mean is that I do feel like I am constantly running or trying to run.

Toward one thing, and away from many things.

And to me this running excursion is so...

.......freeing.

So, let me explain. And, let me start with the last line, actually. Because few things that I do actually go in order in this world, and apparently that's simply how my brain works.

Every time the line "You've got to run far from all you've ever known" meets my ears, I am reminded that I am constantly trying to distance myself from all that my sinful flesh feels within.

.....The flesh within me that is: selfish, deceitful, judgmental, prideful, etc (and the list goes...)

.....The flesh within me that looks to man instead of the Father for wisdom or approval.

.....The flesh that wastes time on selfish pursuits instead of using time to glorify the Lord or to grow His Kingdom.

Trying to outrun fleshly desires and the crookedness within me that I've always known.

A mad dash.

Yet, while I understand that I am undeniably trying to run as far away from my sinful flesh as I can, it is far more important to first be running as fast as I can toward the only One who can heal and restore me. For, naturally, as we run toward Jesus and begin knowing Him intimately, we will surely also be turning away from fleshly desires, for we have found a far greater prize in Him.

Which leads me to the first line "You've got to go on, further than you've ever gone."

I want to run further.

I want to run further than I've ever gone.

I want to run further than I've ever gone toward Jesus.

And the rest will fall into place.

For, as we turn toward Jesus, we turn away from our flesh.

I want to never settle in my pursuit of Jesus. I want to run towards Him with all I have, further and further as I trust in Him that the run will be more than worth it.

That His love is the most wonderful thing I can ever have.

This song...these lyrics...this call to run with reckless abandonment honestly makes me feel something that I can't explain.

The endurance to run toward Jesus.

The strength to do a U-turn from my sin and run toward the ONLY thing that can ever satisfy: Jesus.

These few words eloquently strung together, for me, are a call and a reminder to ferociously run further and harder than I've ever gone.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1.

Our individual races throughout life may look different. But we are called to run.

And so we shall run.

I've come to the conclusion that I will never feel as old as I truly am.

Perpetually a playful, curious, gentle, daydream-filled child that is taking residence within an aging body that is merely obeying the tyrannical aging laws of this world that we call home for a little while. The suburbs of a truer home in eternity.

My aging bones and flesh give way to my young soul, and is seems only fitting that the idea that, no matter how many years I have lived on this earth, my soul will forever feel young. And I think that that is excellent evidence that we are eternal beings.

And the Lord, having instilled eternity within us (Ecclesiastes 3:11 --> He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart), tells us that no matter how "old" we may be on this earth, in the face of eternity, we are children.

And He is the one whom wires us. Who gives us life and light. Who gives us an eternity with Him, if we so choose to accept and embrace it .

Psalm 36:9 --> For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

Life is a whirlwind, moving so quickly that each breath is but a mere gift and something that is not promised beyond this present moment. You and I are guaranteed nothing, but that must not halt us in fear, but it should motivate us to use every moment of our time allotted to do something that is truly worthwhile.

It moves so quickly that I believe it's easy to get caught up in the present earthly moment, trying to manipulate our own personal plans to perfection (although the Lord has His own plans for us), and involving ourselves in senseless matters (that have completely no eternal significance), and pushing harder to "succeed" more in this world (although, when we leave this world, we leave behind every single thing we have, money, jobs, everything...besides our relationship with Christ).

It's all too easy to forget the eternal significance of things in a world dominated by the clock.

But it matters.

The fact that we are eternal beings is truly of infinite importance.

"There are no ordinary people. It is immortals with whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit." - CS Lewis

Every time I read these words, I am reminded that what I do DOES matter, and how I treat others is of the utmost importance.

I am surrounded by beautiful eternal beings, and it would only be appropriate to love and treat them as so.

I feel as though I've learned a lot lately, about loving others and putting selfish desires and plans aside.

Life is messy. Loving other people is messy. But seeing how the Lord uses all of it for glory makes it more than worth it.

It doesn't matter who you are with.....a friend.....a neighbor.....a family member.....your significant other.....or a stranger on the street.....it doesn't matter. We are called to love them all. Forgive freely. And treat them well.

To treat them like they are the most beautiful, wonderful human being that we could ever come to know.

Because, well, they are.

Each and every one of them.

We will not be perfect in loving others well. But it will surely be one of the most rewarding things we will ever do.

Opening yourself up to others and CHOOSING to love them every day regardless, can leave us feeling very vulnerable and it's certainly frightening at times. And to be honest, in the past I haven't been very good at being vulnerable.

...sometimes believing that one day, the people I invested in would walk away and never return due to the fact that they found someone they liked far better than me, and then loving them would seemingly be for naught. The problem with that is that I was simply worried about what I would receive in return...not what I had to offer or give the other person.

A selfish love. And I'm not even sure that that could even slightly qualify as love.

Because loving others is a selfless act. Unconditional.

Putting others before yourself and desiring to see them flourish and grow.

And yes, there are going to be times when people are going to drive you insane and loving them might not be the easiest thing you could do.

When they make an offhand comment that hurts your feelings. Or they call and cancel their plans with you for the 3rd night in a row. Or they somehow have a knack for leaving your house dirtier than when they arrived.

Choosing to love them regardless. And accepting others in all circumstances.

It will surely be the action that produces the greatest eternal reward.

Each day I am excited to learn how to better love the people in my life. To learn better how to love them as Christ loves.

Because I sure hope that each and every one of my friends and whoever I may interact with throughout the day knows that I truly care about them and value them far more than any treasure.

It's a privilege to get to love...

My friends.

And family.

And, God-willing, a significant other turned fiancee, turned husband, one day.

Because, again, loving all others unconditionally will be one of the most rewarding things we ever do in this life.

We must love others in all circumstances. In circumstances that we abhor and in times when we seem to be more distracted by the fact that our plans are not panning out. In times where things are going the way we desire, and in times we wish things were going the way we desire.

You see, the other morning, I got out my little green journal full of prayers and quite time notes, and began to scribble a prayer senselessly on the page.

Honestly, I was telling God about how incredibly frustrated I was that my plan of the way I wish things would happen were "so frequently" seemingly thrown to the side. I was so frustrated and figured that, hey the Lord already knows my exact thoughts so I may as well take it straight to Him.

I was frustrated because my idealistic self wants things to run smoothly and perfectly in the way that I personally desire to them to. You see, I'm an incredibly easy-going individual...but inside, I have fantastical ideas about how I wish things could be in a world where we are in complete control. And although I never really admit it on the outside, when it seems as though my hopes and dreams are going to forever be just hopes and dreams not put to reality, I get disappointed and mentally dwell on it too much.

So, as I poured out my frustration to God about my "forever plans, never reality" and began reading His Word moments later, He certainly reminded me of His sense of humor. For, within a moment of reading, I came across this:

Psalm 33:10 --> The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; HE FRUSTRATES THE PLANS OF THE PEOPLES.

So, at the point that I read that, I sat in my bedroom laughing aloud for a few minutes. Because a moment before I read this, I was telling God about how I was so frustrated that I feel as though any plans I ever make or hope for rarely seem to come to full fruition.

It was a beautiful, humbling moment, really. Being reminded that HIS purpose and plan in the one that will prevail. Not my own.

And in the meantime, I must simply focus on seeking Him and loving others to the best of my ability. Because while I had been so internally frustrated as to how small, unimportant matters were going, I had missed chances to love the people around me and to simply rest in His presence and His ultimate plan.

For, He is good.

His plan is perfection.

And we are invited to live in the JOY He provides while wait to see His glorious plan prevail.

The shifting of letters.

What a difference it makes.

To convey a message.

To attempt to explain oneself to the best of their ability.

Often, I have been presented with a wondrous opportunity to express myself.

And instead, I tighten my lips, smile, and give a pleasant nod.

When in reality, I want to say something, I just feel that I shouldn't... or that I am clueless as how to convey what is precisely going on within me.

I am often clumsy when it comes to verbally expressing myself.

My mind is going in a thousand different directions at once, with the tendencies of a dreamer....and the chaos is so wonderful to me, but I don't quite know how to tie that all up in a pretty little bow for someone else to unwrap.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that there truly is a time for everything. A time for this silence to dominate, and yet a time for words to play a melody.

And oftentimes, I feel as though we speak senseless words simply to avoid this silence. Yet, the things we know we should speak, we sometimes choose not to.

...Like words of encouragement to one another.

...Affirmation.

...Letting others know how much they mean to us.

I am guilty of holding back sometimes. Oh, yes, I am.

Worried about sounding ridiculous.

Or that, somehow, some sort of rejection will result.

Why these issues even cross my mind, I am not sure. Because certainly encouraging someone else or letting them know how valued they truly are is worth far more than any slight worry I would have.

Have an encouragement for someone?

...Say it. It could mean more to them than you could possibly know.

Care for someone?

...Tell them. How else are they going to know?

So while we have the chance to say these things, my question is, why not?

Choices.

A necessary part of the daily routine.

We can choose to wallow in self in pity or grasp the undeniable hope that lies in front of us.

We can veer to the side and seclude ourselves from others, or we can willingly embrace those around us with open arms and a welcoming smile.

We can drown ourselves in an unfulfilling world where we are the center, or we can be a part of something bigger than we can possibly imagine.

We can choose...

.......to love Him.......

.........And show His love through loving others.........

I used to see love as a mere feeling. You love because you find something about someone attractive at that moment. You get along well, so it's seemingly effortless to welcome them into your life while it's convenient.

The others, however........you tolerate them.......

But, that's not truly loving at all.

Is it worth anything to merely love the people who love you back? Or to pick and choose who you love?

Because that certainly isn't what Jesus did.

While loving is indeed a feeling, it is also a choice.

Friends, family, significant others....there will be a point, or a day, that honestly.....

They will drive you absolutely insane.

The way that they talk during your favorite movie...the way that they never remember to turn off the lights...the way that they always seem to have impeccable timing needing your help when you "just don't have time".......

Oh, there will be those days.

But that is just a chance to really find out how to love someone beyond your selfish desires. And to CHOOSE to love them regardless of how you feel at that moment.

Because if love is conditional, is it even worth having?

Learning to love others as Christ loves us is not easy. No, it's not, because we are selfish and our flesh becomes an obstacle.

But, learning to love others.....

...Is so rewarding.

Often I have been given the chance to love someone around me, and I have selfishly opted to pass on the opportunity because my personal interest at the moment led me to seek another avenue.

Something other than loving that person.

And while I can't change any choices that I have made in the past, I am so hopeful for the future.

I am so, so undeserving, yet the Lord has blessed me with the chance to cross paths with so many incredible individuals, each made in His image. Each beautiful in their own unique way. With their own unique:

Quirks. Strengths. Weaknesses.

And that's beautiful. And merely gives us the chance to love others in so many different ways, as it fits them.

I am not always the best at verbally telling people how much people mean to me because I often have trouble forming the words to adequately convey it.....

...but I feel as though my heart could literally break into a thousand pieces because it just can't take the love that He has placed in my heart for Him and those around me. And thank Jesus that He is slowly showing me how to truly love and serve others.

And how to CHOOSE to love others. Even if I don't "feel" like it.

Because I'm going to be faced with that choice daily.

Do I love them or forgo the opportunity?

I hope that I choose to love. Each and every day.

My friends.

Family.

A passerby.

And, God-willing, a husband one day.

Naturally, being 22 years old, I have attended numerous weddings and wedding showers recently for friends of mine who are tying the knot. And of course, while attending those events, I have yet to escape without having an older family friend of sorts ask me when the whole "marriage" thing is happening for me.

My answer? Uhh...I don't know.

I just don't know when that will happen for me, or if perhaps that is not in His plan for me. i cannot answer for sure because I do not hold the cards; He does. I merely know what I desire in my own heart.

I mean, I do hope that it is in His plan for me to have a husband. Because, if it is...I can't wait to continue to learn how to love others through that....and to be...

...his biggest fan...

...his encourager...

...his helper...

...the one that he knows will love him unconditionally...

...and even on the days when I don't like him because he's getting on my last nerve...

...he knows that I love him and would do anything to serve him and be by his side through anything...

Because loving someone else isn't easy.

But it's more than worth it.

And while I feel as though my heart does know what it wants, it's all in His hands, because He knows me far greater than I even know myself. It's up to Him.

Because in reality, as long as I have Christ, I have all that I will ever need. Isn't that wondrous?

And while I'm on this journey of learning how to love Christ each day, I hope that i continually learn how to genuinely love everyone I cross paths with. To show them His love.

Because love is a choice.

He chose to love me and die for me.

I can choose to love and live for Him.

I can choose.

Some call me a dreamer.

And I certainly cannot deny that statement unless I should like to also become a liar (which I certainly have no desire of becoming).

A fanciful mind full of whimsical notions. Ideas whirring around amongst random facts and inconceivable dreams that take residence within me.

It's a difficult thing to explain, you see. This constant commotion and undeniable sense of wonder that seems to grow within me on a daily basis. 

The imagination that guides me down the most random paths that you could possibly find, and far too often gets me into trouble.

But I am a dreamer nonetheless.  I cannot fight that which fills these bones of mine. And I don't desire to.

Most of the time I feel as though I may just burst with excitement.

I want adventure and to not waste one moment of the time that I have so graciously been given.

And my feet stumble and I stutter unintelligible things because I don't even know where to begin or how to adequately convey how the beauty in this world...

...and how the precious souls of those who walk beside me through this undeniably confusing thing we call life...

.......captivate me.......

Because this world around me...

...is not about me. Not in the slightest...

And that is so, so beautiful.

Because it is about something much greater.

And on this journey, I want to be my dreamer self and all the while translate this pure chaos in my mind, to the work that He calls me to do.

---To love Him and others, and learn how to love them well. After all, He first loved us...

---To serve those around me in all that I do. To be their biggest fan and encourager.

---To tell others how much they mean to me. Because, if you truly care for someone, why wouldn't you let them know?

---To bring Him glory in all that I do. Through all of my crazy dream-like tendencies.

You see, If you know me at all, you know that I am possibly the most scatter-brained person that has ever roamed this earth.

A free-spirit.

A dreamer.

And that's exactly who He created me to be.

And for that, I am beyond thankful.

I just hope that I can use this to bring Him glory in some way.

Some may call me a dreamer.

And it's true.

The clock whispers for me to sleep, but I refuse. It's a common tale. At least for me.

To say that my mind is restless merely seems to be a laughable understatement.

I dislike sleeping in, because there are things to do, people to see, and ideas to ponder. And I dislike going to bed early because there are things to create, souls to nourish, and dreams to devise.

So many beautiful, wondrous things to do in this world that we lovingly call "home".

So many words to write, to scribble across the page in a manner which may seem nonsensical to nearly everyone except to the author.

So many artistic images let loose in the mind, struggling to find a way to spill ink onto a blank sheet of paper so as to create a shadow of our inner most being.

I shall not settle for less.

And I have the freedom to not settle for less.

The idea of freedom is a frequent resident of my mind.

I never desire to be chained to this world. To be a slave to it. To be a servant of materialism, a servant to how others view me. To be a servant to how the world says I should be....to the reality that they've created...

I have the freedom to be who I am. But I can never forget that, because once I do...once I think I have no choice in the matter on something...then it becomes much harder.

I have the freedom to wander about as I desire.

The freedom to wander to a place where nobody knows my story. Where nobody knows my name. Where nobody knows my hurts and successes. Just another face in the crowd, roaming the open road with a story in their bones waiting to be unveiled.

And this thrills me. The idea of freedom. The earth beneath my feet. Fresh air to inhale deeply.

But it also creates a sense of instability within me.

Because if I am free to do as I will...so is everybody else...

Everyone has the freedom to change who they are...the freedom to be a soul drifting in the wind...to move to and fro...

The freedom to choose their own path. Even if it is not congruent with mine.

And you know, sometimes, there are people I don't want to see go, but do. There are people who I want to stay, but simply can't.

And I've been learning that for years. From the passing of my best friend at just 15 years young to college graduation now.

Times of change. Everyone shuffling their feet to the ticking clock. The scuffling of redirection...

When we were children, we yearned for this shuffling, for this freedom. When we were children, we wished to grow older. And now that we are older, we reposition our feet, take a deep breath, and move our feet swiftly.

Freedom. Change. Adventure. Risk.

I am 22 years young in this world with ambition and a curious, adventurous soul, and the freedom to choose what to do with it.

And as my feet scuffle and shuffle in this confusing time, wandering to and fro, I can remember.

Four years of college.

A whirlwind of adventure.

New friendships.

A heart changed from stone to flesh.

Being molded into the person I am today.

If I've learned anything throughout these past four years, it's that we should never try to be anybody else. We were crafted differently for a reason, to fulfill a different role, to bring a different light to the world than others.

We each have our shining moments and our downfalls. Our peaks and valleys. Our strengths and weaknesses.

And that makes us beautiful.

That's what makes us, us.

There are things that people will learn very quickly about me.

.....I am consistently late.

.....I do not excel at things having to do with administration (I'm more of a "just go with it" type of individual).

.....And I may not be the best when it comes to accurately conveying how I'm feeling (if you really want to know, just ask me and I'm pretty much an open book).

BUT

.....I will love and encourage you to no end.

.....I will always lend an ear to you and be by your side through anything. It doesn't matter where or when...You need me, I'll be there. No questions asked.

.....I would do anything for you, and truly want nothing but the best for you.

Truly.

And, you know....

i'm not the prettiest.

i'm not the skinniest.

I'm not the smartest.

I'm not the funniest.

I'm not the most talented.

I'm not the most of anything.

And I'm okay with that, because I am exactly who God created me to be.

This year I've increasingly realized that I need not try to impress anyone, just as nobody should feel the need to impress me. I've been somewhat of a people-pleaser in the past...when in reality, the Lord is the only one who I should be desiring to please.

I am who I am because I was designed that way. And those who truly accept me for who I am will realize that and hopefully appreciate me for me. For my quirkiness and seemingly offbeat nature.

What a terrible thing it would be to be liked merely for a false image of myself...a silhouette of the truth...and potentially, in the end, forget who i really am and what i really stand for.

Because hopefully the people who play a large role in my life currently, or will come to play a large role in my life, will accept me in my entirety.

Weaknesses.

Strengths.

Everything.

We don't have to be perfect. We could never be perfect, anyway. We merely must be ourselves.

And be patient for the ones who will come into our lives, see our flaws and fancies, and loyally stick by our side.

Because things that are of value are worth waiting for.

Hold on to those ones when you find them.

What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. - James 4:14.

It doesn't matter how many times I read it, it never fails to stir my mind. Because, how often do I live with the mindset that this life is never-ending? That this life will continue on forever?

Often. Oh, too often.

We all get in routines, make plans, and are so caught up in the whirlwind of our time-sensitive culture that we book our days full, all the while neglecting things that matter...like showing people how much we care about them and serving them in whatever way we can...giving someone an encouraging word...spreading the love of Christ...

These are things that I want to do, but I do forget at times, distracted by the world around me and my selfish flesh.

Our society is maxed out on time, but not on heart.

So, what should we actually be focusing on? What should I be focusing on?

Set your mind on things that are above, not on the things that are on earth. - Colossians 3:2.

Set. With this word, it's not showing a past action, but a continuous action that we are to take. Each and every day, we are to continually set our minds on things above.

Continually.

Every day.

Even when things may be tough and we are caught in a struggle, whether big or small.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. - James 1:2-4.

Little did we know, trials, although they seem unnecessary, burdensome and pointless, are often the times when we grow the most because these struggles leave us in a state of surrender, completely relying on Him.....showing that we are helpless on our own and in need of Him and His wisdom.....

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. - James 1:5-6.

Well.

Thank goodness for that.

I mean, let's be real, I'm not even sure how many times I've prayed for wisdom this year. Too many to possibly remember.

Wisdom in what to say (or not say).

Wisdom in what to do (or not do).

And, yeah, I definitely still fumble over my words, make the wrong choices sometimes....but it's all a process and learning how to apply the wisdom that is given.

And not only apply this wisdom, but apply it at the right time. And have the patience to wait for the right time.

i just hope that in the meantime, I can use my time wisely.

Invest in things that matter.

Invest in things that will last.

Invest in things that will have an eternal impact, not merely a worldly one.

Oh, we live in a time-sensitive age.

But there's so much we can do with the time that we've been given.

How curiously wondrous this life is. We change, we grow. We give, we take. We are continually molded into the person we were designed to be. The person God specifically created us to be. He knows us far better than we know ourselves. He takes our rebellious, undeserving, deadened hearts and revives them with His gracious, loving hand. He takes our hearts and gives us new hearts of flesh.

—-Ezekiel 36:26…….And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh, and give you a heart of flesh.

He didn’t have to save us, but He did. He doesn’t have to love us, but He does. Oh, He loves us despite our flaws. And what can we do in return but love and serve Him? And in loving and serving Him, we love and serve others.

—-1 John 4:11…….Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to one another.

Today.

February 14th.

One day of the year.

The day when chocolate consumption is uncharacteristically high...people spend exorbitant amounts of money buying the "perfect" gift for that special someone...and when the words "I love you" are spoken frequently, because that's what people tend to expect.

It's part of the culture, I suppose.

My question is....

Why should we wait for one specific day in the year to let people know how much we care? Why should we wait for one specific day to serve people far greater than we might any other typical day?

But really.

I'm not saying that Valentine's Day is completely and utterly ridiculous, because I do think people genuinely love and serve out of the goodness of their heart on this day.....but I do have a hard time thinking about how we so often ignore the opportunities to love and serve people in our daily lives and instead wait until this, almost obligatory, date.

Cause, ultimately.....

Serving and loving is a lifestyle.

I guess I just never want to find myself waiting to serve someone or show them love and thoughtfulness. I want it to be a daily thing.

Loving others.

"In this the LOVE of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is LOVE not that we have LOVED God, but that he LOVED us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so LOVED us, we also ought to LOVE one another. - 1 John 9-11.

Sweet love. God sending His one and only Son to save us. And what does He ask us to do? To love one another. Just as He loved us.

Selfless. Unconditional. Complete.

And that's what I want to do. Oh, that is what I want to do most. In any way that I possibly can.

Whether it's with as something as simple as a smile, a hug, a favor, a gift....Any way to serve and show love.....

Serving and putting another's wishes, desires, and needs above what we want. Just like Christ did.

Even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. - Matthew 20:28.

i don't know about you guys, but I am so, so unworthy to be loved by Him, yet He loves me and blesses me in life beyond comprehension.

Jesus, the perfect Son of God, came to serve stained and imperfect beings.  The most worthy man who has ever lived became a servant of all, and showed us LOVE.

...If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all. - Mark 9:35.

Servant of ALL. Everyone. Your family. Friends. Roommates. Neighbors. Classmates. People you simply pass by throughout the day.

Whatever we are doing, our aim should be to serve. Our flesh certainly gets in the way sometimes, but with Christ on our side and an open heart, we'd be surprised at how often we are blessed with the chance to humbly love and serve others. Just like Christ, who considered us worthy to be loved despite our flaws.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3.

Loving. Serving humbly.

Lord Jesus, give me a heart for this each and every day. May it never be a "one day a year" thing, but let it be a lifestyle that comes forth from Your overflow.

Sometimes the road that we believe our feet should tread is simply not the road that our feet were made to walk down. The path that we have created for ourselves is then swept away and we are reluctantly rerouted.

Why? because God has planned a different path than we have mapped out for ourselves.

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. - Proverbs 1:1.

So, I must confess. Years ago, when my high school days were coming to a close, and I needed to decide where to spend my collegiate years...the last place I ever wanted to go was the University of Arkansas.

I actually applied LATE to the U of A because I was dead set against going there.

Oh, I had plans. I was planning on going to the University of Illinois and playing volleyball there. I knew that that was an option and I loved the school and the coach there. Ultimately, it was the cost that eliminated that as an actual option (with the tuition being $40,000 per year for out of state students).

So, there I was. I had mapped out my upcoming years. I had planned on being in Illinois. But God had other plans for me. Oh, He had plans for me in Arkansas.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. - Proverbs 16:9.

And, well.......

I am so, so unbelievably glad that God is the one in control of my life, and not me. He is the One who has the plans. And that is such a blessing.

This has been such a wondrous ride the past few years, and God has revealed Himself to me and shown that He is faithful, even when I have wavered.

Freshman year I was playing volleyball at the U of A and, well, that was a rough year for me. Throughout the season, I feel as though the stress of being a student athlete had a negative impact on me as I seemed to just embrace pessimism. And if you know me now, that is not who I am, nor who I ever desire to be.....

So, after freshman season, I did something I never thought I would end up doing. I quit volleyball. After 11 years of spending all of my time in the gym, I called it off.

Honestly, I have received a lot of flack for quitting over the years...people thinking I was ridiculous to have done such a thing. But when they ask me why I quit, I have just one answer for them: it was a total God thing. The thing that was my idol...the thing that took the place of God in my life for so long...was finally removed.

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. - Jonah 2:8.

Little children, keep yourselves from idols. - 1 John 5:21.

Sophomore year. Fall semester. God used the death of a girl who was two years younger than me, and who I didn't even know personally, to remind me that this life on earth is only temporary. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, and that was probably the first time that I really, truly realized that I needed change.

Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. - James 4:14.

And Christ broke my heart for Him and showed me that although, throughout the years, I knew who Christ was, I never really had a relationship with Him. So that was what I knew I needed. I needed that relationship.

He drew me in.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29:13.

Junior year was a continuation of that growth in faith in Him. There were ups and downs of course, but He blessed me so much throughout all of it. And one of the best things that came out of it?

Friends.

Community.

God blessed me by placing me in a new community group, where I was able to build friendships that I already had, as well as create new friendships. These friends continually showed me Jesus, day in and day out, and encouraged one another to grow in faith.

Such a blessing.

Fast forward to senior year, now. I am living with three wonderful girls who I met through the community group last year. It has been so, so lovely living with them because I know that their hearts are for Jesus each and every day, which challenges me in my faith daily, and I love that.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17.

All of the people and friendships that I have formed in the past year have been nothing but a a blessing, and for that I am beyond thankful.

Through it all, I feel as though I've learned a lot this year.

Being a servant to others is something that my heart desires more and more each day.  I love serving others in any way that I can, but I still have room to improve. Loving others and serving others like Jesus is something that I will always need to work on, as the flesh always has desires of its own, but I am excited for the times to come and to continue learning how to serve others!

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself. - Galatians 5:13-14.

Looking back throughout the years, I've realized just how much God is in control. I never imagined myself going to Arkansas, but now that I look back on everything, I honestly cannot imagine not being at Arkansas.

Our God is far bigger and more powerful than we can ever possibly imagine. He hold us all in the palm of His hand and he knows what is best for each of us. We need only to be still and let him direct our often stubborn hearts.

Be still and know that I am God... - Psalm 46:10.

Anything worth having takes time and patience. And as we wait on God's next step for our lives, we can look back and see that He has been faithful to us the whole time.