Thoughts and Feelings

Caitlin stared sheepishly back and forth between the two blondes and shook her head. “No…” She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the cuff of her sweatshirt. “Except… guys I’m gay.” C pulled her knees up tightly into her chest under the blanket as she wrapped her arms around her legs. She rested her chin on her knees and avoided eye contact.

Lexie and Katie shared knowing smiles. “Caitlin… we’ve known you for almost 2 years now… did you think we hadn’t guessed?”

“Everyone keeps saying that!”

“So, Connor was just…”

“A beard? Yeah…”

“Okay, so why all the crying then? Are your parents not handling well? Is it something with your team?”

“Well… no, my mother is still a wreck, and the team lost a few people, and the agency is still assigning a few new replacements. But my agent stayed and my dad… well he’s said what everyone has said. He’s known all along.”

“Okay… there’s no way you’re sniveling over your mom…”

“It’s not something I really want to talk about it.” She stared wide-eyed at her phone, still not knowing what to do. She didn’t want anyone else besides Colin to know about her and Kate. She struggled to think of anyone she could risk talking to, and whether when she called, they’d answer.

“Is it a girl?” Lexie leaned in teasingly and jabbed her in the stomach a little.

C flinched and smiled, letting out a small chuckle. “Maybe, but I really don’t want to talk about it.” The wine still had her brain spinning and she panicked she had already said too much.

“Alright, well I guess that means…” Katie reached out and grabbed the empty bottle. “We’re gonna need another bottle.” She shuffled back to the kitchen and grabbed the corkscrew.

Caitlin sighed and let out a sad sounding laugh. “Fine more wine. More of this stupid show and more time with my friends.” The word felt heavy on her tongue. It was probably just the wine, but the ache to pick up the phone and end the months of silence officially screamed through her entire body. Friends? Is she serious? We’ve never just been friends. How can she say that now? Why can’t I just take it all back?

A few hours later Katie and Lexie both had passed out on her couch and Caitlin was still up watching. She picked up her phone and read Kate’s email again. The only person she thought she had a chance of actually talking to was definitely halfway around the world. Still, she sent off a message to Monika and waited to see if there would be a response.

CC: Hey Mon… any chance you could talk for a while? Maybe skype to avoid international fees?

It sat unread for a few minutes. She did some math, it was 9 AM where she was, there was a chance Monika was awake, but maybe at the gym.

MC: Hey girl… you want to catch up? Isn’t it like the middle of the night there? Are you drunk?

CC: I might be… but I’d really love to talk…

MC: About Kate?

CC: What… why would you think that?

MC: Because you’re both dumb. She and I have already talked.

CC: Ouch. I guess I lost you in the divorce huh?

MC: Never said that… you really want to chat?

CC: If you’re willing to… yeah

Caitlin’s phone started to buzz, and she quickly got up from the couch and moved to her bedroom. She turned on her nightstand light and sat on the bed, staring at the face of Monika.

“Look. I already heard her side of things. It sounds like the two of you have had a massive misunderstanding. I tried to tell her she should just talk to you. But I’m guessing she hasn’t even reached out yet. We haven’t spoken in over a week.”

“Well, she did reach out…” Caitlin sniffed, and tears rolled unwillingly back down her face.

“Oh god. What did she do? Leave a voicemail?”

“No. She sent an email…”

“Oh for fucks sake, Kate Marie Martin. Caitlin. You need to write back. This is absolutely ridiculous.”

“I can’t Monika. I don’t even know what to say.”

“You could start by telling her the truth.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Look me dead in the eye right now and tell me in your delirious state whether you love that ridiculous blonde troublemaker goddess or not.”

Caitlin’s jaw dropped. “She told you all that…” Her face went bright red.

“Oh, I know everything, at least from her side of things. Everything from that spin-the-bottle game forward.”

Caitlin’s mind spun, remembering the way Kate’s lips had tasted that night, the strawberry ChapStick she liked to use had transferred to Caitlin’s lips. She had spent the next few weeks trying to catch a glimpse of the tube in Kate’s pocket all the time and buying every damn one she could find, chasing the way she had tasted. She licked her lips subconsciously, “Mon, she’s my everything and I lost her.” She sobbed, her face scrunching up tightly.

“I don’t think you did.”

“She told… me… to move… on in the… email.” It came out stuttered, between hyperventilating sobs.

“Okay, Caitlin, you need to breathe for me. Deep slow breaths.” Monika tried to calm Caitlin’s breathing, forcing her to match her own slow over dramatic breaths. “Caitlin, I’m telling you, you need to write back to her.”

“Mon, I don’t think I can.”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes. I’m in love with Kate.”

“Then you need to tell her that.”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because she literally wrote she wants to just be friends and that we should both move on with our lives. Monika. I’ve lost.” She shook her head and curled up in her bed.

“Well, tell her you don’t want that. Tell her you love her. She needs to hear it from you.”

“In an email? Are you kidding me?”

“Well, since you can’t seem to say it to her face, maybe it would be a good step…”

“I don’t think so, Mon.”