Someday is Now

These last few weeks at work have been very interesting. You know the saying “when it rains, it pours”? Well, I’ve been praying for a change and i got what i asked for - not one, not two, but THREE opportunities for change!

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and learning a lot about myself. What motivates me, where i want my career to go, and discovering my top strength and weakness. What have I learned?

1. I’m willing to go the untrodden path. In my life I’ve come across a few crossroads and I know that when I look back this particular moment in my life will be a fond memory. It’s the moment I put on my big girl pants and learned that it’s okay to look after myself and put myself first. It’s okay not to stick to the status quo. It’s okay to do what I want because it’s my life and career.

2. I am a learner. I’m not motivated by pay or title, instead I’ll go where there’s new lessons to learn and new experiences to be had. Sure, I have days where I doubt my skills and question my decision to pursue a career in Change Management. I try my best to use these days to remind myself of what I’ve learned so far, what I’ve helped others learn and what else I can learn.

3. I’m emotional. When I was trying to decide which opportunity to accept I had a really hard time. The logical side of my brain was saying one thing, while my heart was saying another. In this moment, who would you listen to? I chose my heart. I chose the opportunity that made my heart smile and excited me despite feeling extra vulnerable at the same time.

He talked about how we’re all born artists, and “the moment kids start to lie is the moment storytelling begins”, and that “art is about going a little nuts”.

No, this is not a post that will try to sell you things! This is a happy post because I’m happy :)

So the last few months, I was getting fed up trying to lose the holiday weight I put on when I went to Vietnam. I was losing faith in myself and was very close to spiralling into the world of carbs and staying there for all eternity. Cue Samsung to the rescue! I found a super awesome feature on the Samsung Health app. It’s called ‘Weight Management’, simple and to the point. Basically, what it does is tracks the calories I’ve burned and my intake (I log everything I eat) and tells me if i’m in the ‘good zone’ for the day. I need to be in the good zone (or under) if I want to achieve my target weight. 

As i started using the Weight Management feature, I also made sure I was exercising regularly and started intermittent fasting. Yoga classes throughout the week and this time, I added gym time for cardio and some weights. I realised that I would eat just because ‘it’s time to eat’, not because I was hungry. So I chose a timeframe that worked for me and have stuck to it regularly. I didn’t have to stop eating a certain food group, or go on a crash diet. Just showed self-control and discipline.

One week in February, I challenged myself to only spend $24 on breakfast and lunch for four days. This was part of a Human Centered Design course I was taking with some workmates. #alwayslearning

Starting the challenge, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure I could do it because how could I ever have a #happytummy on only $24 a week? So the first day arrived and I went to the supermarket and bought 4 days’ worth of breakfast and lunch. What’s on the menu? Honey oats for breakfast and chicken pesto sandwich for lunch! Not bad, huh?

The 4 days ended and I still had extra oats and ingredients for my chicken pesto sandwich, enough for two more meals #winning. My tummy was happy, and my wallet was also happy! I nailed the challenge and now I don’t have an excuse to buy my lunch every single day.

I’m going to challenge myself again to do this next week. But instead of 4 days, I’ll aim for 5 days. Fingers crossed I nail this again, and this could be the start of a ‘thrifty’ way of life.

Wish me luck.

I usually don’t have New Year’s Resolutions, because every year i have them they don’t usually last. So this year I decided I’ll do whatever I want! I’ve decided these aren’t ‘New Year’s Resolutions’, just things (habits?) i want to do for myself. I don’t remember when i started to do these , and i’m hoping that will trick my brain to thinking that there’s no end date. All i know is I’ve started them and now i’m doing them everyday. Well, i’m hoping to do them everyday.

1. Make my bed everyday.

I know. Probably majority of people in the world make their bed everyday. But I, a 27-year old adult, didn’t used to. I’ve accepted that I am a lazy adult and that needs to change. It’s also because i watched this video of Admiral  William H. McRaven’s  2014 Commencement Address. He says “If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day and will give you a small sense of pride and will encourage you to another task and another and another... and if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made. That you made. And a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.” #alltrue

So I bought a couple of new sheets because #adulting means having a sheet set + a matching duvet cover. And...So far, so good! I’ve made my bed everyday for around about four weeks? I used to wake up and just leave my bed, no looking back. Now, I get up and the first thing i do is make my bed. YAY! 

2. Have a night time skincare routine.

My mum told me some time last year that I needed to start using anti-aging skincare since i’m close to my 30′s. I panicked a little because i don’t even use skincare! I used makeup wipes to remove my makeup and sometimes used a proper cleanser and toner. I did moisturise, but not regularly. So the second thing i decided was to create a night time skincare routine that works for me. Every night for the last three weeks I go through the following 6 steps:

Remove my makeup using Dermalogica’s pre cleanse balm.

Clean my face using Aesop’s Amazing Face Cleanser. This was actually a present from a good friend. Stoked i got to test an Aesop product! I’ve been wanting to, but my wallet has been saying no... 

Then I use my Kiehl’s Calendula Herbal-extract toner to tone my uneven face.

Moisturise phase #1 using Drunk Elephant’s night bright duo. This is technically two steps because there’s a night serum and a facial oil.

Moisturise phase #2 using Korres Black Pine 3D sculpting, firming & lifting night cream

3. Go to at least three yoga classes every week.

I started this about 6 months ago. Yoga is great! I love it! It keeps me calm and helps me control my stress and anxiety levels. A great side effect is gaining strength and flexibility, and learning to focus and quiet my mind.

I stopped going to at least three yoga classes every week when I hurt my ankle. I tripped down the stairs and basically had to see the physio for 6 weeks to get better. I tried going to my yoga class but felt defeated when my ankle would hurt while doing poses I used to be able to do. So i stopped going, and went to the gym to cycle/jog instead. My ankle’s about 95% healed so I’m back at the Yoga Academy three times this week. Well, i’ve only been twice, but i’m going to a weekend class, so that’ll make it three.

Happy to be back,

For the first time in a while I had a nightmare. I don’t really know the requirements for a dream to be a nightmare… all I know is I woke up petrified. Let me tell you about it.

I was in a building. It was grand and looked really old. Maybe I went back in time? I don’t know. Anyway, I was in the lift (elevator) when all of a sudden everything started shaking! I obviously thought it was an earthquake and expected the elevator would stop - it didn’t. So I tried hitting the emergency stop button but it didn’t work!

At this point I’m about 64.8% panicking. And then.. all the buttons started shaking too! Remember, I was in an old building which meant the lift was old too. Imagine outie (yes, like the belly button) lift buttons and manual lift doors. So there I was, panicking like there’s no tomorrow, thinking I was plummeting to my death...

Everything stopped.

Then the doors opened and there was an old lady in front of me. I cried tears of joy, thanking her for saving my life!

She looked at me with such hatred in her eyes and said “You should’ve died.” She shut the lift doors then walked away.

That’s when i woke up. Terrified that there’s some old lady who wants me dead!

Anyway, i have this bad habit of starting things and not seeing things through to the end. For example, i currently have three half (quarter?) written posts sitting in my drafts. This would’ve been the fourth one... except i’m actually hoping this post will be published before the end of my class - more about my class next time. 

I used to think I worked well under pressure and with deadlines to meet. After watching Tim Urban’s TED Talk - Inside the mind of a master procrastinator, I realised I’m just a chronic procrastinator. I work well with deadlines because the panic monster (watch the vid to understand) scares the crap out of my instant gratification monkey.

So now i’m in a dilemma. My life has no deadline, well at least not that I know of... so that means, my trusty panic monster will never wake up and will never scare my instant gratification monkey. So my rational decision-maker will never get the chance to drive myself and i’m gonna be stuck in this limbo forever.

Today I learned the importance of always looking my best - physically. As in my face looking pleasant, not like a haggard, stressed, wanna-be adult....

So i was out with my workmates for a team dinner. While waiting for the rest of the team, we decided to grab some drinks at a bar close to the restaurant. About half an hour later Jono from Step Dave walked in!!! Okay, so you might not know him, or the show. Here’s a link to Step Dave’s IMDb.

Going back to my story.. So Jono walked in. The funny thing was my friend and i were literally (i mean literally) talking about his show yesterday on our way to dance class! We were so happy to find someone else who watched the series - and loved it! So, we became little high school girls and said hi to him... IN FRONT OF ALL OUR WORKMATES. oh the horror. That’s actually really weird for me since i’m quite shy.. PS. I was drinking pineapple juice so I can’t blame the alcohol..

He was friendly enough and smiled then waved back. Even though i called him “Step Dave” hahahaha. When everyone left, my friend and I approached him to get a photo with him. Again, this is something I would have never done. I don’t know what came over me! So we approached him, talk to him a little bit about the show and the NZ TV industry, then we too some photos. 

It was great! He was nice, accommodating, and didn’t make me feel like a total loser. In my head i was kicking myself because I didn’t have proper makeup on, I was wearing a sweater so i looked like this pudgy old lady and it just didn’t work.

So i’ve made a promise to myself. Every time I walk out of my house, I need to be ready to meet a celebrity (okay, he might not be Brad Pitt level, but he’s a celebrity nonetheless). Jokes. Totally kidding. I probably can’t do that every time, the least I could do is do it when I go to work. I’ve kind of let myself go since I felt i no longer had a reason to “dress up”. Now, I realised I didn’t need anyone else to give me a reason. I like dressing up and I like how it makes me feel so I’ll keep doing it for myself!

Like I said in my previous post. 

It’s my time.

Today, I start my healing.

I learned that it’s okay to feel sad. Feeling sadness doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I’m sad. Everyone feels it, but most people (like myself) hide it.

When did I start believing that being happy is the only acceptable state for me to live?

When did I start putting too much pressure on myself to always be the best. Taking for granted my emotional and mental health in the process. 

When did I decide that turning off my emotions was the best thing for me?

Today, I take the first step in taking care of myself. I’ve spent majority of my adult years caring for others, trying to please everyone. It’s my time now. If that means I have to schedule “emo moments” for me to re-learn to feel, then so be it.

I matter.

Even if you think otherwise.

I believe it. I matter. And it’s time I stood up for myself.

It’s time to embrace my sadness and grow. 

It’s time.

This time last year we were inseparable.

We talked all day and night. We saw each other nearly every day. I was happy. It felt like you were too.

For the first time in a very long time I was happy. You made me believe I was worth something. You made me feel safe. I was confident and I liked who I was when I was with you. I was fearless.

I should’ve known it was too good to be true. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe i subconsciously sabotaged things because I couldn’t believe i was worthy of this happiness. 

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever feel that safe and that confident again. Everyday I try to tell myself that I didn’t love you. I keep telling myself I only cared because I enjoyed the thrill of it all. I try to convince myself that I would’ve felt the same way even if it wasn’t you.

But everyday I fail. Because I know that I did love you, even when I knew I shouldn’t. I cared a lot because it was you. 

Because it was you.

Love, K.

After three years of service, five countries - Philippines, Australia, USA, South Korea, and Malaysia, countless restaurants, and too many to count selfies.... My phone has retired. (cue sad music)...

I get to work and find there’s a tear in my skirt! lucky i work in the city centre. I rushed down to get a replacement skirt... 40 minutes later, crisis averted!

There’s something that makes the day go incredibly fast when you start it early.. I usually start work at 9:30 in the morning and finish by 6:00 at night. I quite like this setup ‘cause i miss the morning and afternoon rush. Today I was at work by 8:00 am and didn’t even notice when it was 12noon - time for the best part of my day: LUNCH.

I head out to grab a sandwich and whadyaknow.... my flats break (insert not amused emoji here -.-).

Last night I learned something important. I learned that I don’t have a personality.

I don’t know who I am nor do i know my dreams (or if there’s even any).

I can’t even tell you what i do for a living! 

A few years ago, there was a constant pain in my back. It lasted several months so I got it checked out. After checking my back, my doctor gave me a questionnaire to answer.

Apparently based on my answers (and maybe other things too) I had mild depression.

I didn’t know depression had levels… Anyway, I didn’t do anything to it. I declined the offer to see a specialist or take any medicine. I figured, ‘it’s only mild right?’

But is it really…

In theory, I know what depression is like. Sometimes I feel that and it’s terrible. The feeling of helplessness and believing the world and everyone in it’s better off without me. I’ve thought about leaving for good (if you know what I mean)… The only thing stopping me are

1. Going to hell 2. Not being able to claim anything from life insurance (hey, I pay a pretty decent amount for that…)

So I stay. I stay and battle with myself throughout the day. People say the fact that I got out of bed and went to work or 'kept myself busy’ is a win. For me it feels like I lost.

And to avoid all these feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion, I switch it all off.

ALL OF IT.

Now, I rest.

“You’ve got one life to love what you do”

I can’t believe I’m saying this… I feel like that plastic bag in Katy Perry’s song. Just drifting along life, no direction, no purpose - useless.

Recently, I’ve lost my drive - to succeed, to care, to love, to feel. Everything feels out of control. Each day’s a battle to get out of bed and convince myself that I’m “making a difference”, that my presence in this world matters.

Tell me, what can I do to find what I love? What must I do to feel again?

There’s something about dancing that makes me feel alive.

Day 2 of my hip hop burlesque class . I gotta say, it’s better than what I was expecting! If this carries on I’m probably gonna get a membership and do this at least twice a week. Hmm… Decisions, decisions…

It’s probably the sudden rush of blood through my body… Whatever it is, I like it and I’m gonna keep doing it!

You know those days when you’re overwhelmed and nothing seems to be going right in your life? Well, today was kind of like that. I’m stuck in a rut and dancing has brought back some life in my life! (Get it? Haha)

But really… Let’s dance!

I hate that you no longer care. I clearly still do. It hurt when you weren’t there. I was waiting for you.

It’s surprised me. How different things are now. Together we seemed happy. Oh, how different things are now!

I see you everywhere. Then I miss you. I hear your voice in the air. Even more I miss you.