⊱ karmel, rn⤻

may your passion burn as bright as the flames the Lord and St. Jude Thaddeus have blessed you to.

went to visit St. Jude Thaddeus, Quiapo Church and Binondo Church for blessing. passing is not guaranteed in doing this, i know, but the faith that lies with each word we say in a prayer translates into something that we may actually make possible in the future.

I just got my PALMR - Final Coaching exam results and I got 125/150 which is roughly 83%. This is the highest percentage I've ever had among any subject since I've started my review. They say too that the actual board exam has about 50-60% of these questions so I am heavily relying on that. A few more tweaks, a few more tests, and I'll be confident that I know enough.

Tell it to the universe and it will hear you. Ilang araw na lang, RN na ako 😊

My stomach is turning.

I'm nervous that I'm not,

i appreciate you so much, my baby

To those who think my review journey has been going smoothly, I'll let you in a little secret. I have a handful of pending practice exams, worst ones even dating back from July. Why? Because I hated answering them. I despise it.

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I do like the idea of practice exams, even the benefit they provide. It's just that I hated sitting through questions I know I have 0 knowledge on.

And there... spills... the secret.

I don't hate the questions. I hated not knowing the answer to them. I hated how each question I don't know screams in front of my face that I. don't. know. anything. But... I do, I spent hours in review. How can I sit there through it blank?

As a kid, I used to hear how good I am, how I must seem to know a lot of stuff. How I pass even with little to no study at all. And now here in front of these questions, that doesn't work anymore. I'm faced with reality that what was working then certainly isn't working now. Was I really just lucky back then? Was I even a smart kid in the first place? Is this just imposter syndrome and I am in fact, really was a smart kid? Hell, if I know.

But if there's one thing I'm sure, it's that I'll reap what I sow. And in the rules of gardening, I'm sure that picking the fruit is the easiest part. So until then, I guess I'll just sit through the discomfort, face my own ignorance, forgive myself for not knowing, try to learn the best I can, and do it all over again.

There is no guarantee that all this will pay off the way I want to, no matter how much I show up. But I know for sure that there IS if I don't.

Today, I am one step away from completing the hardest requirement for board exams. I woke up at noon, didn't attend my classes, and missed the office hours of the notary office I was supposed to go to.

I feel accomplished yet a bigger part of me feels like this effort is not enough for me to be resting. It's easy to say to take things one step at a time but with only a few weeks before the exams, I feel like I should be running nonstop, not taking baby steps.

I'm torn between taking things slowly but surely or the other way around. As a person who has trouble memorizing, I know that repetition may help me to recall things. "Slowly but surely" sounds good but it won't give me enough time to reinforce topics I have already studied before. there's only so much time a brain can comprehend what it needs to learn.