Karly Quinn

A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)

Who's afraid of the DJD?

WE ARE SO BACK @karlyanalora hopefully I can get back in the habit of posting these

Link to last time (man I should make an index for these suckers)

these are my own tags but i wrote a short little fic about it while in institute:

Grace can't quite wrap his head around it. "Wait, so . . . Jesus? Like, Jesus from the Bible? He visited you guys?"

Rocky's leg taps thoughtfully. "What Bible, question?"

"Um. It's a book of Jesus's teachings, I think."

"Oh understand. Erid has book of Jesus teachings, too. Very long book. Much to learn."

Grace, raised agnostic and grown atheist, really does not know how to come to terms with the fact that the Eridians know who Jesus is. He hasn’t moved since Rocky mentioned it, not even to fidget. That means that Jesus is real? Apparently? Christianity is right—or, well, the Mormons are right?

"So Erid already knew about humans," Grace states, crossing his arms. That, at least, is something he can address right now. He can work on the whole restructure of his belief system later. "Because Jesus was—is?—human."

"Is not," Rocky says with a vehement shake of his body. "Jesus is like Eridian. Jesus is Rock."

"No."

"Yes. Jesus say so Himself."

"Pretty sure he didn't say that."

Rocky makes a trilling sound that Grace has come to recognize as a huff. "Grace not read Jesus book so he not know. Rocky read Jesus book every day. Rocky baptized. Rocky 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅯𝅘𝅥𝅮 (endowed). Not Grace."

Grace rubs his eyes with his palms, knocking his glasses entirely off his face. "Well then, how did they crucify him?" he asks, not even trying to hide his frustration.

“No understand word.”

"Crucifixion? They make a cross, like this?" He makes a cross sign with his fingers. "Nailed Jesus up there? How would they nail him if he was a rock?"

Rocky doesn't even hesitate. "Strong nails. Not cross. Asterisk."

Grace just barely doesn't burst out laughing at that image. It makes sense, he supposes. An Eridian Jesus would have to be crucified on an asterisk.

"Look, Rock, I'm no expert on Jesus," Grace says, raising his hands in surrender. "But maybe we have two different ones? Because I'm pretty sure he was human on earth, and the whole thing he did was die for our sins."

"Yes. Die for our sins."

"I mean, like, earth's sins."

"No, die for all sins. Earth and Erid."

"Did he die on Erid, too?"

"No. Jesus died somewhere else. Rocky now know was earth. Came to Erid after."

It doesn't make sense. It would be like - like saying Jesus went to the Americas after he died in Jerusalem, or wherever it was.

Then again, none of this makes any sense.

"Okay," Grace relents, before Mary can intervene on what sounds to her like a conflict. "Okay. So, Eridians are Mormons?"

"Yes, 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅯𝅝," Rocky says, a word that sounds like a four-part harmony lingering on a high note. "Mormon. ocky will teach Grace! Like science!"

He might as well learn about Erid's religious culture before they arrive. It's definitely something he ought to be at least passingly familiar with. "Sure, buddy. Teach me."

Rocky hops excitedly. "Yes, yes, yes! Rocky set apart as missionary in case of aliens. Preach My Gospel in my room!"

Grace laughs. "A missionary? Like, one of the guys with name tags?"

Rocky hums. "Yes, I need name tag. Grace make Rocky name tag."

"You don't need that."

"Human missionaries wear name tag. Rocky need name tag."

"Rock."

"Cannot be consecrated missionary without name tag."

Grace sighs. "Fine, but it's gonna be made of paper. Happy?"

"Happy happy happy! Like Plan of Happiness!"

There’s other instances of people randomly punching slaves that they didn’t even know because they got in their way or something. This was just normal behavior.

And slaves didn’t rebel en masse because if even one slave committed an act of violent rebellion it was common practice to kill every slave and former slave in the household.

People only took notice for posterity when these mass executions got into the hundreds of people. One of the few recorded for the history books is of over 400 people being killed because one guy stabbed his enslaver.

So the only reputation he has is ‘that bastard con artist who banked 19 years of aw-shucks-wormie-ness and used it to outrageously fleece everyone who’s almost anybody.’ Vader reading the report like…damn you Kenobi did you get HONDO to raise my son??

Jabba’s reaction to Luke’s message is INFINITELY funnier if we consider the idea that ‘Skywalker’ amongst the wretched local villainy (who mostly ignore imperial and rebel propaganda) is actually synonymous with TWO things - that brat who totally messed up the podrace bookies 25 years ago, and the infamous Anchorhead Con. Jabba gets this message about ‘Jedi’ and is like LOL i think the other Skywalker tried to pull some hotshit with that too before wimping out.

Everyone openly laughs like sure you’re a Jedi and I’ve got a bargain vaporator farm I want to sell you. 

“So this fucking—SKYWALKER, dude, have you ever heard the name Skywalker? You know what it means? A FUCKING ASSHOLE, that’s what it means. Like. The first one was bad enough, this little shit named Anakin who was fuckin’ NINE YEARS OLD and he just WON THE FUCKING BOONTA EVE PODRACE and set SIXTEEN bookies out of business and if I ever meet him I’m gonna set him on fire for it—

“And then this new one, Luke? Fuckin’ nobody, raised by his aunt and uncle out in the Wastes, little aw-shucks hick farm kid, the kind you could give him a five-credit piece and a ten-credit piece and he keeps taking the fiver because it’s BIGGER, that kind of simple, and then he comes into Mos Eisley one afternoon and sells his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm, right, I’ve been out there a few times, several of us have, and it’s a nice place as far as moisture farms go, mildly profitable, and the kid is fucking happy to get like two-thirds its value, so he sells the farm, right? TO NINETEEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how much Jabba’s finance people had to do to get that sorted out? Nineteen fucking mortgages on ONE fucking property, puts every real estate con Jabba the Hutt’s entire CLAN ever pulled and we were on the WRONG SIDE OF IT! We had every pirate and smuggler from here to Corellia laughing at us! And THEN! And THEN—!

“So he pops up via hologram message acting like a DIPLOMAT from the REPUBLIC, claiming a title and rank from an extinct, defunct, ILLEGAL order and wanting to bargain with Jabba—are you fucking kidding me, BARGAIN WITH JABBA for a smuggler who’s up to his ass in debt when he’s responsible for that farm scheme, acting like he doesn’t even fucking REMEMBER it and expects that Jabba’s forgotten it too. Like. Absolute fucking idiot, and anticipating that Jabba’s just as stupid. And he offers a pair of droids as a gift. Like, built-in-the-Republic-era, random-ass droids that he probably picked up from the Jawas that morning for a few hundred credits and a junked ‘vaporator.

“I mean, Jabba’s seething here, but hey, free droids is free droids. Whatever. He takes the droids, throws things, orders a fight to the death between two gamblers who owed him money, killed one of his dancers at some point … and then Boushh shows up with fucking Chewbacca in chains—he’s Solo’s first mate, so Jabba was all happy about that, but not happy enough to pay the full bounty—and what’s Boushh do? Pull some gonads out from somewhere after all these years, and also pull out a fucking THERMAL DETONATOR! Going to blow us all to fuck if he doesn’t get his measley fifty thousand, and, well, there’s no arguing with crazy like that. 

“So now, if you’re keeping score, Jabba’s lost an absolute SHITLOAD of money and had his bookmaking industry fucked all to hell for like three years after the stunt from Skywalker the First, got screwed out of ANOTHER shitload of money in the farm scam by Skywalker the Sequel, got all but called an idiot to his face and insulted six times over by the same dude who’s apparently scammed so many people he’s forgotten who he has and hasn’t scammed, and got threatened out of fifty thousand credits by a second-tier bounty hunter IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT.

“And then the next morning, what the fuck? Jabba’s favorite sculpture is gone, the one with Solo as its main ingredient that Boba Fett brought him. And Boushh is gone. And Jabba’s got a brand-new dancer chained up next to him. Night duty guy tells me Boushh unfroze Solo, and the new dancer girl IS Boushh, which, okay, you’re dealing with people like that and you look like that? You definitely need a helmet, but I feel like pretending she didn’t breathe oxygen was overkill. Anyway, then Skywalker shows up. All alone, no weapons, nothing, like he really believes in this Jedi shit. Arrogant little bastard, and we’re all laying bets on how Jabba’s going to kill him.

“So he talks a little, and fwoop! goes the trapdoor, and okay, everybody who bet on “Rancor” is doing a little happy dance, but then! BUT THEN! He fucking KILLS THE RANCOR! Drops its own cage door on its head and punches right through its skull! And—fucking NOBODY bet on that, which is a damn shame because everybody else would’ve just torn the winner apart out of sheer rage at that point and we coulda used some good bloodshed then, y’know? I mean, I dunno if you’ve ever met Jabba the Hutt, but he’s the kind of boss that’ll just go off and kill you for failing him or just because he’s angry at something. Just complete fucking asshole. I mean, he was pissed enough that everybody was worried for their safety, and so somebody dying messily right then would’ve calmed him down a bit.

“So Jabba’s big mad, and he gathers Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca all together and says he’s gonna feed them to the Sarlacc, which is a nasty tentacled carnivorous plant out in the desert, so we all board the sail barge and have a nice little pleasure cruise—have you ever been to Tattoine? I’m fuckin’ kidding, it’s brutal. But hey, we get to see Skywalker executed, right? Wrong.

“Jabba offers them the chance to beg for their lives, and Solo calls him a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, which, I mean, I could do better, y’know? If I’m about to die? Anyway, Skywalker goes up first, gets prodded to the edge, flips a salute off to who-knows-where, and does this little twist in midair, catches the fucking plank, and fucking SPRINGBOARDS himself back onboard, CATCHES HIS LIGHTSABER FROM MIDAIR where the one DROID shot it to him, and starts sending guards over the side, usually in pieces.

“So more guards rush forward to help, and there’s this huge fight, and fuckin’ BOBA FETT falls in, and while that’s going on? The fucking dancing girl has grabbed her chain and is FUCKING STRANGLING JABBA WITH IT! Like, I look over and he’s bucking and struggling and she’s pulling on that chain like anything, and then somebody hits me over the head with a bottle of Corellian brandy, and by the time I look again he’s pitched over dead! And nobody freaking bet on that!

“And then? Off they fucking go, Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca and the dancing girl and the droids and one of the guards who I played sabacc with the other night and he owes me twenty credits! And that fucking Skywalker just cost me my job, and if I see him again I’m going to burn him to cinders myself!”

The man subsides, eyeing the gigantic ebony figure in front of him who, except for a couple of momentary starts as though he might say something, has been silently listening to him all this time.

Size-wise, Darth Vader has nothing on Jabba the Hutt, but somehow, he is scarier.

Finally, the dark form speaks. “You said you could do better.” A moment’s silence, and he clarifies. “If you were about to die.” He gets the impression that whatever monster lurks behind the helmet is smiling. “You are about to die now. Because you are a criminal, and because of what you have said about my son, Luke Skywalker. You have an opportunity to do better. Use it.”

The so-condemned criminal, late of Jabba’s palace guard, lets his jaw hang open unflatteringly for a moment while his brain catches up with events. HIS SON, which means …  

“YOU’RE Anakin Skywalker’s HUSBAND?”

The steady, hissing rhythm of Darth Vader’s rebreather actually stops dead as the Dark Lord straightens up as if stabbed with an electroprod.