The simple things in life

Not sure where to start here. I have so many feelings about this. I’ve always wanted to get married and have kids. I never gave much thought to the idea of when I would get married or when I would have these kids, I just knew that I wanted to have them. So now I am in a time where everyone seems to be getting married. I think it started a couple years back but then suddenly it’s just expanded a lot. There’s multiple weddings a year of people I know. It’s like it’s wedding season. As soon as people start turning 23+ they start gettting married. And that is so so scary. 

When I dated someone I always thought this is the man I am going to marry and I would imagine a life with them but I knew it was in the future that it wasn’t tangible. 

With my almost 3 yr bf I didn’t start thinking that this was the man I wanted to marry and have kids with til maybe the past 6 months. But it was even more scary because it could actually be true. This could be the man. And this could be the man brings pressure into my life. I start to question everything. You know, there’s a 8 year age difference , if I have kids at 30 then he will be 38, etc, just playing different roles in my head. It was starting to drive me mad. I don’t have to worry about these things, technically I am still “young” but idea of having kids at 36 started to sound out of the question.

We had many discussions about this because I tell him everything even my fears. I told him I felt like there was pressure on me since that was what society expected. He told me you don’t have to do something just because someone else is doing it, you do what you want to do. I felt so relieved knowing that he didn’t feel those pressures. He was at a stage where it didn’t really matter to him anymore, if it happened, great but if it didn’t then he would still be happy.

We started talking about moving in. I was moving to la and he was living in yorba linda and he was looking at the buena park area. It was somewhat in the middle of both of our jobs but still pretty far away from mine. I said I’d give it a year living in la and after I would move in with him in that area. Half a year passed by and he hadn’t found anything yet and he kept saying he would buy in January or February. Well January came and we started going to open houses. It was scary. I thought this was what I wanted. 

I love living in my little studio all by myself and doing anything I please whenever if ever. I’ve never had the luxury of living in my own place all alone before and I wanted to do it at least once in my life before I got married. I started to fear that if I moved in, I would have to let this go. I had grown attached to the city.

We started talking about the house more when we went to go look at them and he asked me what it was I wanted in the house. I asked if I would get my own room since he was buying the house and I was just going to live there. I didn’t know how it would work. I think I was also scared to ask. I didn’t want to feel like I was intruding and this was his house. But he said, of course you get your own room and that he would too and that there would be a bed in one of them. It was nice to know that I’d still get my alone time even when living together. 

Yesterday while out with my bf we asked each other what we hoped to improve on for next year, our new years resolution.

He said the usual stuff like improve my health, buy a house, get a new job in the engineering world.

When he asked me I said work on my feminists views.

I’ve been slowly opening my mind more to feminists views but there is still a lot I don’t know.

He tells me I chose to be a feminist when it’s convenient for me and then I don’t when I want something else.

So I should really stick to my guns 100% of the time.

This is something I put into action at my workplace.

Personally I see many people get taken advantage of and I am not your average women. I speak out pretty much all the time even when it makes me look bad.

I didn’t believe I was getting the pay I deserved and so I spoke out and got it. I can’t say I wasn’t getting paid equally as much as men because I don’t know how much they get paid. I try to get that information out of them asking for an average and some of the higher paying people tell me and some don’t.

Money is always such a taboo subject especially at work. I am usually a very open person and with my friends if they ask me how much I earn I will tell them.

I try not to hide things from people and why should I have to hide that. It’s really just a number.

But as a women it is hard to ask for such things as a raise or promotion.

I myself was scared to ask and why was I scared when most men aren’t. They don’t include their feelings when making these decisions so why was I letting my feelings scare me from what I wanted. I finally got that guts one day, I nervously stepped into the owner’s office and told him what I wanted.

When you don’t speak out how are pepopel suppose to know what you want.

I am currently on track to getting an electrical engineer titile since I am currently a designer and my bosses know what is that I want and they are doing what they can to get me there.

Just this past week I had to work 111/12 hr days to get a project out while having 4/5 people to manage and I had to give progress reports everyday on how it was going. Was it stressful? Very much but this is what I asked for. I asked to be given more responsibility and the chance to manage people so that in a few years I could become a project manager and then the next title and so on.

Around this time last year, I was very unsure of what the future had in stored for me but I stayed optimistic.

This year has been filled with growth, travel,and love.

GROWTH

My career is off to a great start, it wasn’t always but I’ve worked hard and moved past those uncomfortable moments to get to where I am today. I can only keep going back up because I am a driven individual with a goal in mind.

New opportunities have presented themselves such as moving to San Jose and even though I really liked the people over there it’s something that I have to take careful consideration to and maybe even give it a trial run before I commit to it.

LOVE

I’ve gotten better at expressing myself towards a loved one, I owe a lot of that to having a partner who is very patient with me. When I first met him I told him all I wanted was adventure and we’ve had quite the adventurous year. Whether it be food adventures, traveling, or just doing something that neither of us have done.

TRAVEL

This year I went on 9 different trips and the most memorable was going to Europe on a tour. I met really great people there and I definitely had the trip of a lifetime. Trips like these are vital in my personal growth because it helped me realize my potential.

I am who I am and I owe what I have to myself. Yes, people have helped me a long that way but I wouldn’t of been able to make it this far without my personality.

I am proud of who I am and I look forward to the next year which I will be happily celebrating in Paris.