“Yeah, but I’m not trying to bring them over to your place at least. I date my shitty girls on my own. Gotta disagree on Doni being one of them though. She just wanted me to be better.”

“I literally just said I wouldn’t bring anyone over. What if I date a girl? Can I bring a girl over? This is sappy and gross, you need to either win her back or get drunk immediately. Do the drunk part anyway, actually.”

“You pick shitty guys. Kyle, that asshole Kent who practically wanted to fuck his skateboard, god knows who else. Wish you’d date a normal guy and not some random you met on Tinder or something. Of course I’m grumpy, the love of my life is leaving me for the fucking Sunglass Hut. They don’t even have good sunglasses.”

“You don’t pick amazing girls either, alright? Doni just left you for a sunglasses douchebag after treating you like her kid for years. I didn’t meet either of them on Tinder, actually. I’m not trying to be murdered and left in a ditch.”

“Is this your way of telling me you don’t know how to use an iPad?”

“I definitely don’t know how to use an iPad.”

“That’s– well shit. He didn’t invite me, if you were curious, definitely still hates me.”

“What? That-...no, he can’t just not invite you. You’re his best friend. You were then at least. That’s like..he can’t do that. I thought you guys cleared things up. It’s not like, I mean, there’s nothing to be mad about.”

“Yeah, fuck Kyle. You saying his name is reason alone for me not wanting you to move in. I’d kill that kid on sight.”

“Are you ever going to like any guy? You should set me up with a hot lumberjack if you’re going to be this picky. Also, I’d go to his house like I already do, duh. You’re grumpy and you need a shot.”

“Sounds like a nightmare. We’d kill each other or I’d kill you. I’d also chase out any guys you tried to invite over, don’t think you’d be down with that.”

“Boo. You are no fun. This offer is going to expire and in like a month when you come crawling back because you can’t find someone, I’m going to say no. It’s a good thing I’ve sworn off all men for good. Or at least a while. With the exception of Kyle. Sometimes.” 

“Pretty sure a random roommate wouldn’t be okay with a guest being over all hours of the night, using their bathroom and checking the linen closet and all that shit. I gotta like, grow up. Doni used to let me get away with murder. You know she still did my laundry for me? She bought the pizza a lot too.”

“Or. Better idea. You just let me move in. Then it’s my bathroom and linen closet too. I know your gut reaction is no, but think about it. All the fun we had as kids, plus alcohol, minus parents. Yeah? I’m so not doing your laundry though so forget that.”

“Nah, I’m gonna have to get another roommate, they might be as nuts as she is. Still can’t afford this place on my own, she had expensive taste. You’re still doing that shower beer thing? Doni hasn’t let me do that in years. You’re buying.”

“Well make it a requirement that they’re okay with your sister crashing on the couch and eating gummy worms, the fuck? I was letting it slide because you were in love with her but I’m not doing it for someone new. Shower beers are innovative and will never go out of style, Jay. Yeah, sure. This time I guess.” 

“Jesus– ten fucking years. That’s– nah, you made that up, there’s no way it’s been ten years.”

“Ten years, this month. It’s-...yeah. That’s a thing that’s happened.”

“Yeah, well– I’m not like a math person or anything, oh just kidding I am– shit changes, parenting is totally different than when I was a– forget I went there, actually–  for what it’s worth I think you’ve got a good handle on things, you know– her eating four popsicles aside, but they’re like sugar free so it’s totally fine.”

“Uh, yeah. Everything is changed. She’s like-...she’s four and she knows how to use an iPad, I mean what is that? Four popsicles and she still went to bed on time, so I’m considering it a win.” 

“Well I can’t say anything now. It’s too late, so. Wanna go get drunk?”

“Does this mean I can eat gummy worms in your apartment now? Because that was killing me, honestly. Yeah, duh. I already drank a White Claw in the shower before I came over here. We better get pizza too.” 

“Seriously? She’s leaving, it’s different now.”

“Yeah seriously. Stop being so stubborn. The only thing different is that your chances are dwindling, dude.”

“I granted myself a little free pass for the sake of the joke. Forgive me? Hey, that’d stir things up. Make the stakes higher with who can at least get a phone number first. Next time we’re feeling social it’d make for a great time. Mostly because I’d win. Sadly on this Tuesday night I’m only capable of bugging you can ordering beers from the bartender.”

“Fine, fine. Of course, you’d win. You’re way more conniving than I am. Plus you’re a hot girl, it’s not even a fair fight. You know what would be a fun game? Where we flip flop and I bug you to bring me more beer. Let’s try that some time.”

“Doni’s moving out – it’s official. She started dating some, I don’t know, Sunglass Hut guy. He owns a bunch of ‘em. She’s following him to fucking Sacramento. I just assumed it wouldn’t last and she’d finally come back to me.”

“So you can admit now that you still love her?”