You feel the way you do right now because you donât know anything else. Youâre afraid of the unknown. So you cling. You attach yourself to people, places, and things. Youâve feared abandonment all your life. From the way he would leave you at home with your half brother who would corner you, swinging his bat teasingly in one hand to the way you memorized the minutes it took for somebody to come home. People think you play victim, that you cry wolf. But people who donât come from broke homes wonât know. The darkness after being left alone. The conversations youâd have with your stuffed animals promising them that youâd never abandon them. The promises youâd make to yourself to grow up loved and to always protect your daughter. To never let her close to this fear.
You feel the way you do now because you donât know anybody else. The moment somebody tells you they love you, you believe them. Thatâs what has always gotten you in trouble ever since you were 16. The moment somebody makes you feel like they want to know it all, the moment they act like they can handle all the darkness, like all of your fears and secrets are secure in their love and finally, finally, you are safeâŚ
âNo matter how much you think you love somebody, youâll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.â
Iâve spent 27 years disguising my sadness. Iâve got costumes for all emotions. I have masks for any day.
Boys want to know me because I come off a certain way. I think itâs this portrait they paint of me in their mind. Itâs flattering but itâs not me. People are quick to fall in love with the lovable parts. The way my eyes get big when I still get excited, the way my 5 year old self sometimes reflects in the things I do and say.
I know what parts of myself people fall in love with.
I also know the parts of myself that pushes people to leave.
I wonder if any of them ever understood this line.
I feel the way I do now because I am in love. And thatâs okay. Itâs a beautiful phenomenon.
But weâve gone through this before. Donât settle. Donât hope for any future engagements. Donât expect for a fairy tale ending when you werenât born into a fairy tale beginning.
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izzy806
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dailybridgerton
