New hope

I have the awful habit of pouring my heart out – and in to people who have no room for me.

I learned more about love in those few months than I leaned on my entire life. Not the kind of love you have for your family, your friends, the people you look up to. The kind of love that makes you go “oh, i kind of want to spend my whole life with you”. I also learned the hard way what “heart pain” is. Most of the days were fine, even great I would say, it was good to feel everything, it was good to feel a love I never felt before, it was good to have someone. But truth is I never had her, she was never mine but I was hers. Oh I was truly hers, I gave her every piece of me and I would give her more if I could. I learned that that’s a funny thing about love, you give, you give everything, you give everything until you are left with nothing. The day I realized she was being happy with someone and doing just fine without me, that was the day it hurt and from that day on I could only hear my heart breaking and breaking every time. This is a part people don’t often tell you. Sometimes your heart is not gonna get broken at once, it’s not gonna be fast, it’s not gonna be easily over. Sometimes your heart will slowly get broken, you will start to know what words you want to avoid to not listen to your heart cracking one more piece. And sometimes, sometimes even when you know all of that, even when you know this is bringing you pain and this is slowly breaking you, you won’t leave, you will choose to stay. What a weird thing humans do, we stay and we let ourselves get hurt. Sometimes we choose love.

You know what? I’m done. I’m done with anyone who cant make up to me, or make time for me, I don’t deserve that, I deserve people who care, who check up on me, no, who want to check up on me, people who can’t let me stay mad at them, who’d always wanna make sure I’m happy, loving myself and living my life, who support me and lift my standards so high because they really wanna make me feel all loved and heard, with everything in them, they’d always inspire me to be better, to do better, to love myself and to see beauty in it, and I’m unimaginably grateful i can actually say i have this kind of people in my life and i swear i’ll hold on to them as tight as I possibly can because honestly, i would never want to let anyone like that go

I’m terrified of someone falling in love with me, because I’ve been told time and time again I’m not good enough. I just don’t want to disappoint.

I sit, cigarette in hand remembering the nights you promised and the nights you just couldn’t. Inhaling the memories of your exhales through cigarette after cigarette, longing for the taste of your breath between drags.

And it broke my heart the way she looked at me - Not at all.