Chaotic Home
As I grew up, the idea of what a home was, always confused me.
My home was chaotic, cruel, aggressive, and unpredictable.
My home was something I feared, something I dreaded.
My home was doors slamming, voices screaming, it was loud footsteps that lingered in the hallways.
The safety of what a home should bring, never came.
Instead it bled anxiety, it became something I worried about, something I started to become numb towards,
Everyday when you walked in those doos, disarray followed, the sense of anger was near by, and it overflowed inside the walls.
I made a vow to never be like you, to never embody the chaos, to never latch onto it’s death wish and to never succumb to it’s power.
I told myself the chaos will leave at the doorsteps, it will never take hold of me, and it will never make me like you.
But, as the years went on, the chaos started to overwhelm me, it started to overshadow my thoughts,
And now chaos runs through my veins.
I walk in hallways with the same disarray you embodied, I unwillingly surrendered to it’s power, and I now have no control.
The chaos made a home,
a home inside of me.
It never left, and now when I look at you, I see only the reflection I swore to break, it has embodied my soul and it won't leave.
I’m an emotional recluse, I crave stability, I crave to feel calm. I crave to feel all you've never shown me.
I'm now a lost body filled with fear, and I try to overcome it, I try to hold onto the one part of me that I thought you never took,
But as I keep trying, I'm now realizing that one part of me that signified any redemption, has left.
You took her, and I'm still waiting for her to come back.
I hope she finds her way back to me.
