... Sweet My Honey ...

I think this is the longest we’ve been without talking. To be honest, I’m doing well. I don’t really want to talk to people, but I’m not feeling sad or anything. Actually, for the first time in my life I think I can say I truly do enjoy my own company. I feel... complete, just like this, by myself. Of course, I have people who love and care for me, but I don’t need them to be happy, not anymore, not like I used to need.

You know, I’m happy that you’re happy. Or so I think. I tend to think that you’re happy because I don’t think you need me anymore; this thought has made me sad for a very long time, but now I don’t really care that we’re not talking 24/7 and I’m not your best friend anymore. I did my job. I helped you when you needed someone, I was someone you could rely, a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. And I’ll never regret that. Seeing how much you’ve grown and everything you’ve achieved since I first met you makes my heart race with excitement.

There’s a part of me that will always want to go back to those days where your message was the first and last thing I saw every single day for, idk, years? Probably. But I’m happy where I am right now, and I never want to see you going through all of those things again so I’m happy where you are right now as well.

I came on tumblr to write this because this is where we met and where we had our favorite moments, which is something I’ll always cherish. Actually, I stopped being on tumblr because this place is really not the same without our silly posts. But I needed to let this go, so here I am.

I can’t exactly say that I’m happy; I feel like my anxiety has gotten worse, but all the same I feel like I’m doing much better. Mostly because I learned to enjoy myself, I think. I don’t look at myself in the mirror and love my reflection, but I can live with it. If I were to be left alone right now, I think I could live with it. I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either, and I’m definitely not ignoring my feelings like I used to do; I’m doing my best to face all of them. I’m being more honest with myself, and maybe you’d like to know that I’m more selfish now. Like I don’t really stop my entire existence for other people, I just do my best to be there for people while being there for myself as well. (Not right now, though. I don’t know what’s going on but I really can’t stand talking to people these days lol)

But anyway, I want you to know that I still love you and I always smile when I see your tweets or facebook posts. I always enjoy when we talk (even though it’s probably my fault that we don’t talk often) and I’m always happy when you share your life with me. I always will be. I’ll try to live my life and be happy as well, instead of feeling guilty for not being the friend you deserve. But like I said earlier, I don’t think you need that type of friend anymore; not from someone all the way across the world at least.

I know you won’t see this, but here it is anyway.

Love you always.