unconditionally

It’s been a month since they’ve broken up and the only good thing Jongin has done is get out of his house to take a stroll in the neighborhood park.

His fingers would might as well mold into a crescent; they do nothing but grip tightly on to his mobile phone, waiting for a text message that he knew is never going to come.

regrets come after a decision is made when emotions are high.

Jongin wishes he knew that before that night he ended a relationship he’d thought would go against all the odds.

But there’s a war going inside Jongin’s head.

A war that would cause his mental state’s demise if it doesn’t stop.

One Jongin is stuck in it’s the right choice, he wasn’t right for you.

and another Jongin is stuck on we could’ve worked it out, if i wasn’t too much of a pussy.

Jongin wishes the latter thought would lose out.

Kyungsoo wasn’t right for Jongin, just like how he wasn’t right for Kyungsoo. Their relationship was a time bomb. It was a fact Jongin was not too blind to see, but he risked it all anyway, and thought, maybe, somewhere in the way, he could dismantle it.

What he didn’t see coming;

He was too pre occupied with saving their relationship,

that he hadn’t realized

Kyungsoo was breaking him.

In a manner so deliberately slow, the pain was not felt until it all had piled up against Jongin’s chest and exploded.

"So what do I do now" He speaks to the pale ghost of a reflection in the mirror. "where do we go from here"

Just right then his phone blows up with the sound of Kyungsoo’s ringtone. He hesitates, but soon enough answers it anyway. He doesn’t speak though. His hands are shaking.

There’s silence on the line for a few minutes until Kyungsoo finally talks; ”Hello.” It wasn’t much of a question.

Jongin’s voice breaks, “Good Evening.”

Kyungsoo is a piece of Jongin that he wishes to forget about. But the more he forces Kyungsoo out, the more and more he realizes how easy he had given up. The more he realizes it’s close to impossible, the more he realizes he might have just screwed up big time.

"i wanted to check on you" Kyungsoo follows, voice shy.

"I’m Ok" Jongin replies shortly.

"That’s good."

"is that all?"

Silence.

"good night, then"

He pretends not to hear the cut off voice of Kyungsoo in the last second before he hung up.

Jongin hates this. He wants to get out of this misery.

How do you remember how you once were after a huge part of you had been taken out?

Another month passes and Jongin is holding up better than the last. He’s smiling more often now, dressing himself with more effort and going out more.

A particular guy named Sehun had been taking him out, helping him out of his misery and he could never have been more thankful.

Ofcourse, the fact that Sehun is gay and is more often than not in a lovey dovey state whenever his boyfriend is around doesn’t help — but so long as Jongin’s distracted from his thoughts, he doesn’t mind.

One autumn day when he’s sat in a cafe waiting for his order he sees the familiar figure of Kyungsoo outside the window. Their eyes meet, and Kyungsoo stops in his tracks. Jongin stares at him, and it takes all of him to make the corners of his lips twitch in a smile.

Kyungsoo smiles back.

The smile disappears right after Kyungsoo continues to walk.

Jongin breaks down that night again.

He finds it unfair. Unfair how no matter how he thinks he’s doing progress, one glimpse of Kyungsoo and he’s right back to square one.

Jongin gets drunk another month after, after coincidentally bumping with Kyungsoo in the streets. It wouldn’t have been that painful except for the fact that his ex boyfriend wasn’t alone.

Sehun does his job again and takes him out drinking, and he drinks himself until he can’t think and see straight.

Sehun takes him home that night, and Jongin sees Kyungsoo when Sehun lays him down on his bed.

"kiss me." Jongin whispers.

To his surprise, Sehun does. One kiss turns into desperate touches. Clothes are thrown to the floor and when he enters Sehun and finishes, Jongin whispers Kyungsoo’s name.

All the while, he sees Kyungsoo.

After that night, Sehun avoids Jongin as much as he possibly can.

Jongin thinks this is it.

This is how it’s going to be for the rest of his life; kyungsoo’s going to forget about him while Jongin’s forgets about the fact that he still has a life.

The airplane’s wheel reconnects with the soil of the earth once again and Jongin suddenly feels excited. He looks out his window; the airport of Seoul looks the same as how he remembered it was when he left the country 3 years ago.

The stewardess with the soft voice announces that they must be in order whilst leaving the cabin and Jongin complies. He wants to go out as soon as he can. He wants to see just how much has changed. He wants to see Sehun who’s already waiting outside for him.

Baggage claim felt like eternity before he’s finally pushing the cart filled with his luggages away from the area, and past through the automatic doors of the airport.

His eyes searches for his best friend, and an all teeth grin appears on his face when he finally finds him. Jongin moves his feet twice as fast, and once he’s at the end of the barricade that separates the exit doors from the waiting crowd, he gives Sehun the biggest hug.

"Fuck man, how did you get so tall?" Jongin teased, the grin still on his face and even though his lips were starting to hurt, it doesnt seem to go away.

Sehun mutters a smart comeback that has Jongin laughing and before they even know it, they’re hauling Jongin’s things into Sehun’s car and they’re driving to Sehun’s apartment.

The 30 minute car ride home was filled with catching up between the two males. Jongin’s reminded that Luhan, Sehun’s boyfriend landed from China a couple of weeks ago and is here to stay for another two months.

He remembers seeing the facebook posts of the three of them together Sehun, Luhan and Kyungsoo whilst he sat in his room all the way on the other side of the globe. He remembers feeling the jealousy, which in turn turned to hurt. He remembered it so vividly because nothing could be done to ease the pain he felt every time he sees them having fun without him.

But that doesn’t matter anymore because he’s here now.

"Your room’s kind of small" sehun said, as he opens the door to a neat and clean normal sized room. He helps place all of Jongin’s luggage inside the said room before excusing himself to pick Luhan up from a place a couple of minutes away.

Jongin sighs at the amount of luggage he had brought in with him. He’s worse than a girl. He starts on placing the small things on to the drawers until he tells himself its enough for the night because he’s tired.

Too tired that the moment he lets his body fall onto the soft mattress of the bed, his eyes closes immediately.

-

Jongin wakes up the next day to a familiar voice from just outside his room. It’s Sehun and Luhan talking, but another voice is present and he knows well who it belongs to.

Rubbing the sleep off his eyes Jongin gets up, looks at himself in the mirror briefly to arrange himself, then he gently turns the knob on the door to open it.

"Good morning" Luhan and Sehun says one after the other. Jongin greets back with a wide smile and a ‘the new hair color looks great on you, luhan hyung’

He knows sooner or later he has to acknowledge the presence of the boy cooking in the kitchen. Especially when Sehun and Luhan’s eyes are directing him towards that direction.

He sucks in a sharp breath and turns his body to face the kitchen. Kyungsoo’s already smiling at him. “hey hyung” Jongin greets, the wide smile depleting to a smaller one but he’s still happy to see him here none the less.

Kyungsoo mutters a small hi. And their eyes lock for a good fraction of a minute before Jongin initiates the first move of looking away. He reckons they’d be less awkward after they’ve properly spoken to each other.

"When are you here until?" luhan asks, eyes following Jongin as the other male makes his way to sit on the couch opposite the two.

"Two weeks" He answers.

Sehun talks about how stupid it was for him to stay for only such a short amount of time. Jongin agrees but soon explains the reason ; university starts in a few weeks for him back in the states. And since he’s majoring in medicine, he has to take school seriously. That means no slacking like how Sehun and Him used to back in their high school days.

"How you manage to get into medicine, god only knows" Sehun teases, and Luhan hits him for it lightly but he’s chuckling too. Jongin just shrugs his shoulders and laughs. Every now and then he glances at Kyungsoo moving about in his domain; the kitchen. The older male is making and packing meals, since they’ve all decided to take a road trip to Busan today.

He only hears the last part of what Luhan is saying when he nods, because it pretty much makes sense. “…and baekhyun and yeol are on their way here”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol aren’t exactly together. But everyone in their group of friends very much well know that they will be soon enough. They’re both blind, not literally though.

"don’t you need to shower?" kyungsoo calls out from the kitchen. Everyone’s head turns to him, and it takes a while for Jongin to realize that it was directed at him.

"Oh right" He says with a laugh.

Jongin excuses himself to shower the next minute.

When he’s all dressed up; a simple printed t-shirt and shorts, paired with his favorite pair of shoes, Jongin packs all the necessary things he needs inside his small backpack.

When he exits his room, Kyungsoo’s all finished with his food preparations. There are different containers full of good edible goodness sitting on the countertop.

"Saved you for breakfast," Kyungsoo says and at that Jongin walks towards him, a good smile on his face as he sits himself on the high chair. There’s bacon on his plate, fried egg with it’s yolk still in liquid form.

"I hope your breakfast taste hasn’t changed" Kyungsoo says with a laugh.

Jongin shakes his head, “not at all. Bacon and Eggs are way too good to take out of my diet” and with that Jongin begins eating on the contents of his plate. It doesn’t occur to him that it’s only him and Kyungsoo in the house now. and he only does notice when he’s sitting back, a contented expression on his face after he’s finished the meal. “Where are sehun and luhan?”

kyungsoo takes the empty plate away and begins washing it, “they went out to buy some pop”

jongin nods his head in acknowledgement. Not long after that silence and awkwardness began to shadow over them, and in his mind Jongin is battling with himself; what should he do? Should he keep talking?

It was unnecessary though because Sehun and Luhan were back with Baekhyun and Chanyeol following just right behind them. Chanyeol gives Jongin the biggest ( And longest) hug whilst Baekhyun does the same, only less.. affectionate.

"Is everybody all prepared and ready?" Baekhyun asks and there’s a bit of a mumbling amongst everybody before they finally nod their heads.

They play a game of rock paper scissors to determine who brings all of their luggage down to the car. Sehun and Jongin lost ( ‘as always’ Luhan snorts ) and so Jongin finds himself side by side with Sehun, bags on every hooking corner theyre both able to hook on on their bodies. Since Sehun lives on the 26th floor, the elevator takes awhile. and sehun somehow finds this time to question Jongin. “So what’s going to happen to you and Kyungsoo during this trip?”

Jongin turns to look at him, “Nothing. We’ll remain as friends, act like how we did before we got together”

Sehun finds his answer funny and laughs. It sounded more like a “bullshit” disguised as a laugh. “Yeah, and I’ll make sure not to make love to Luhan during this trip” Sehun replies, sarcasm dripping with his every word.

Jongin lands a punch on Sehun’s arm and the boy winces in pain, but there’s that grin on Sehun’s face — but disappears as soon as it came when he follows up with; “he’s moved on”

Jongin doesn’t reply to that and gives thanks to lord of timings when the bell that signals that they’ve arrived in their designated floor rings just as Sehun was about to say something more.

He clicks the keys to the car and opens the back door, neatly organizing the bags of containers and pretty much everything they needed.

"Sorry, dude" Sehun says, and Jongin shrugs him off because there’s really nothing to be sorry about. "But it’s the truth. I think—"

"Look it doesn’t matter because I don’t care about his status," Jongin cuts him off and he takes a pause to breathe before he continues; "I’m not going after him, Sehun. Im here to hang out with you and my group of friends, not to make him fall in love with me again"

Sehun was about to say something when he’s stopped by the sound of Luhan and the others exiting the elevator. Sehun gives Jongin a pat on the back once before lifting what’s left of their bags on to the back of the car.

"Is Jongin driving?" Luhan asks, "or me?"

Jongin raises his hand briefly, “I’ll drive. If i remember correctly, 3 hours down the road there should be a rest stop, let’s switch there”

With that settled, Baekhyun calls shotgun for the front passenger seat (not for him though, but Kyungsoo). Sehun and Luhan occupies the seats behind Jongin and Kyungsoo, whilst Chanyeol and Baekhyun occupies the ones behind them.

Six seat belts locks click, engine starts and within minutes they’re driving off of Sehun’s apartment’s driveway, out of the city of seoul and heading south to busan.

The first hour was spent with his friends asking about how Jongin’s life was in the states. Chanyeol and Baekhyun cracks a joke about Jongin being way too american now and with the continous teasing from the backseat, the car is filled with laughter. From the corner of his eyes though, Jongin notices Kyungsoo. It’s hard not to. He figures if someone calls him out on it he’ll just say he’s looking at the side mirror. The older male barely laughs along with them, and he recognizes that fake smile all too well. It takes all of Jongin to not ask him what’s wrong.

It takes two hours into the drive when silence finally kicks in. From his rearview mirror, He could see that Baekhyun and Chanyeol were already fast asleep ( head leaned against each other and Jongin smiles at the nice image). Sehun’s awake, staring out from the window in deep thought. Luhan’s eyes are closed beside him. And Kyungsoo.. kyungsoo’s gaze is firm as he stares forward.

"Close your eyes, Hyung" Jongin says, keeping his eyes on the road though he glances at him momentarily to smile.

"You know i can’t"

Oh right. His memory refreshes at the words and he remembers what Kyungsoo told him that time they went on their first road trip together years ago. Jongin guessed the trauma from the car crash Kyungsoo was in as a kid really hit him bad. He decides not to question him any further. “you can stay up with me then” Jongin smiles. “me too” he hears sehun say. words too dry. Jongin glances at the rearview mirror and he sees sehun staring at him. it’s not a good kind of stare either. He suddenly feels like he has to review his words very, very carefully before he says them out loud. “so kyungsoo hyung,” Sehun starts with a voice all too familiar to Jongin. He’s hard that tone before. Sehun always uses that strong tone when he tries to prove a point. Jongin’s grip on the stirring wheel tightens because he somehow has a hunch as to where this was going. Kyungsoo hums in response. Sehun and Jongin’s eyes meet once again in the rearview mirror before he hears Sehun’s say, ever so slowly; “how are you and hyunsik-hyung?”

"Okay" Kyungsoo responds, and Jongin can tell that he’s being careful with his words too. It makes him smile that Kyungsoo is still considering Jongin’s feelings despite breaking up. “did he take you out on another date yet?” Sehun asks.

Jongin shifts in his seat, he wills himself to focus on the road before them. Before Kyungsoo could even answer, Baekhyun calls Sehun’s name out. “Enough” He hears Baekhyun say.

Jongin must be very obvious. And to think he’s done nothing but to try to keep a straight face from all of the things he’s been hearing. “It’s fine” Jongin says, because there was no hiding it now really. He glances at Kyungsoo briefly and feigns an all too believable smile. “How is this Hyunsik guy?”

The minute before Kyungsoo finally answers is full of tension. “We went out once” Kyungsoo answers in a silent tone, staring at the front as he tries his best not to meet Jongin’s eyes “he was great” Everyword caused a constricting pain to arise in Jongin’s chest. He hates how he still has that effect on him. After a forced cough, Jongin responds with “That’s good” Kyungsoo hums a ‘mhm’ once again. The rest of the drive to the rest stop is silent apart from the soft acoustic music blasting from the car’s speaker. Sehun finally falls alseep somewhere in the way, and so does Baekhyun. - The six boys orders the same ramyeon soup as they finally arrive in the rest stop. Jongin’s body is still running on american time, so he’s feeling more tired than ever. Sehun excuses himself to go to the washroom, and Jongin catches Sehun giving Luhan some kind of look. Jongin groans because he really wish he hadn’t seen that. Sehun and Luhan excuses themselves to go to the washroom.