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I have no idea. Please advise, because I’m a new nurse and it’s too early for me to be dreading my job and daily life like this.

Bedside nursing is challenging, and I find myself questioning if I’m really cut out for this career. My preceptor reassures me that everyone struggles with the steep learning curve between nursing school and working as a licensed nurse, but I hate how frustratingly inadequate I feel at times. I try to remind myself that this is a learning process and that every patient I encounter has the right to a competent advocate; striving to do the absolute best for a patient will not lead me astray. But I’m absent-minded and easily intimidated at times.

Moving to LA to start my career as an RN hasn’t been easy. I’m reluctant to leave every time I go home to SD. I wonder why I so willingly uprooted myself to move to a tiny studio to work at a fledgling community hospital. Being a new grad isn’t fun; being a new grad in a newer new grad program in a young hospital means growing pains in various ways. Socializing and trying to mesh with multiple preceptors is incredibly taxing. Staying positive after consecutive 12-hour shifts with less-than-stellar job performance feels impossible. 

“Why are you going to work in South Central LA?!?”

I received more than one job offer, so yes, I chose a community hospital in South LA, and I know it’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. Geographic location and socioeconomic status shouldn’t impact someone’s access to quality and compassionate care.

I finally have the BSN, RN after my name. I thought I’d be hungry for the MSN or FNP like many of my peers, but I just want to become a competent RN for now. Hopefully, I can transfer the classes I took if I change institutions, but for now, I NEED A JOB. I have an interview here in SD, which I would be blessed to land, but I’m not sure I want to deal with trying to decide if I want to live separately from my future spouse for a bit. But what’s a few more years of somewhat long distance? Being within 100 miles of my SO is enough for me??? (I haven’t been thinking about the marriage thing too deeply because I put wedding planner on the back burner, but it’s about to suck.)

But I take my NCLEX near the end of this month somewhere in-between an externship at Children’s, even though I haven’t studied in a week, and while trying to finalize some wedding stuff??? (I chose the soonest open date so it’s probably God'sign that I need to make time to study.) I put in my intent-to-enroll for Spring 2019, but LOL @my life planning not making my MSN a priority. Let’s see how the rest of 2018 goes first.

So I’m fine with getting married because I’m definitely done with long distance. But I’m absolutely dreading the wedding, the planning, looking for new grad jobd in counties in which I haven’t worked, and moving. I can’t JUST focus on finishing my externships and studying for the nclex because everything is in the process at the same time. Trying to do everything outside of being in the ER with three 12s every week is slowly killing me inside(/outside). I don’t have the resources for all of this.

I had my first family get upset behind my back about me working with their loved one, because I’m a student. The nurse manager had to salvage the situation, but I was assured it wasn’t my fault. It’s kind of discouraging but it’s bound to happen. I’m not 100% positive that the ER is for me, but the location I’m at is known for being a bit difficult because of the population we serve. There are also unique challenges that come with taking border calls, and the fact that there are fewer hospitals down here, so it’s been a great learning experience. We pulled a patient smoking meth out of a bathroom, I’ve seen some graphic PVD and edema complications, a lot of seizures, stroke codes, not as many STEMIs yet, and a lot of extremely sick people with poorly managed chronic conditions.

Yesterday, I was asked to be second set of eyes for an intravaginal ultrasound, so I wasn’t familiar with the patient, but expecting patients usually come to the ER for vaginal bleeding or decreased fetal movements, and the results are far from ideal. While setting up, I mentioned that it had been a while since I watched an ultrasound and the patient said “well this isn’t going to be a good one.” “But that’s okay,” I replied to her, and she looked at me and with the saddest smile, “you’re right, it’s okay.”

This is my first holiday season “officially” feeling split between me and my partner’s families, along with 2 weddings before Christmas. The reality that I am getting married next year and will have two families is starting to get to me, and I’m not sure how to navigate things or feel. But I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing about where we were 6 years ago when we started dating, and it’s making me really miss my friends from undergrad. He definitely wasn’t the only meaningful relationship I gained from UCLA.