âIf you say yes,â said the Devil, âa single man, somewhere in the world, will be killed on the spot. But three million dollars is nothing to sneeze at, missus.â
âWhatâs the catch?â You squint at him suspiciously over the red-and-black striped carnival booth. Youâre smarter than he thinks you areâ a devil deal always has a catch, and youâre determined to catch him before he catches you.Â
âWell, the catch is that youâll know you did it. And Iâll know, too. And the big man upstairsâll know, I âspose. But whatâs the chariot of salvation without a little sin to grease the wheels? You can repent from your mansion balcony, looking out at your waterfront views, sipping a bellini in your eighties. But hey, itâs up to youâ take my deal or leave it.â
The Devil lights a cigar without a match, taking an inhale, and blowing out a cloud of deep, sweet-smelling tobacco laced faintly with something that reminds you of rotten eggs. If he does have horns, theyâre hidden under his lemon yellow carnival barker hat. He wears a clean pinstripe suit and a red bowtie. No cloven hooves, no big pointy fork, but you know heâs the Devil without having to be told. Though he did introduce himself.
Heâs been perfectly polite.Â
You know you need the money. He knows it too, or he wouldnât have brought you here, to this strange dark room, whisking you away from your new house in the suburbs as fast as a wish. Now youâre in some sort of warehouse, where all the windows seem to be blacked outâ or, maybe, they simply look out into pitch darkness, though it is the middle of the day. A single white spotlight shines down on the two of you.Â
âWait a minute, wait a minute,â you say. âI bet the man is someone I know, right? My husband?â
âCould be,â the Devil says with a pointed grin. âThatâs for the wheel to decide.â
He steps back and raises his black-gloved hand as the tarp flies off of the large veiled object behind him. The light of the carnival wheel nearly blinds you. Blinking lights line the sides. Jingling music blares over speakers you canât see. The flickering sign above it reads:
âStep right up and claim your fortune,â the Devil barks. âSpin the wheel and pay the price! Or leave now, and a man keeps his life.â
âThese are all the possible men I can kill?â You ask, thumbing the side of the wheel. It rolls smoothly in your hand. Then you quickly stop, realizing that this might constitute a spin under the Devilâs rules. He flashes a smile at you, watching you halt its motion.Â
âAddicts, convicts, murderersâ plenty of terrible options for you to land on, missus!â
âSerial wife murderer?â
âNow who would miss a fellow like that? I can guarantee that the whole world would be better off without him in it, and thatâs a fact.â
The desperate businessman
âMy husband is on here too,â you say.Â
âYour husband Dave, yes. The wheel has to be fair, otherwise thereâs simply no stakes.â
âI know whatâs gonna happen,â you say, crossing your arms. âThis wheel is rigged. Iâm gonna spin it around, and itâll go through all the killers and stuff, and then itâs gonna land on my husband no matter what.â
âWhy, I would never disgrace the wheel that way,â the Devil says, wounded. âI swear on my own motherâs graveâ may she never escape it. In fact, take one free spin, just to test it out! This oneâs on me, no death, no dollars.â
You cautiously reach up to the top of the wheel and feel its heaviness in your hand. The weight of hundreds of lives. But also, millions of dollars. You pull the wheel down and let it go.
Clackity-clackity-clackity-clackity
Round and round it goes.Â
The charming younger brother
The two-faced middle child
Clackity-clackity-clackity.
Finally, the wheel lands on a name. A title, really.
âHmm, tough, missus, but thatâs the way of the wheel. But hey, look! Your husband is allllll the way over here,â he points with his cane to the very bottom of the wheel, all the way on the other side from where the arrow landed. âAs you can see, itâs not rigged. The wheel truly is random.â
âSo⌠there really isnât another catch?â You ask.Â
âIsnât it enough for you to end a manâs life? You need a steeper price? If youâre really such a glutton for punishment, Iâll gladly re-negotiate the terms.â
âNo, no⌠wait.â You examine the wheel, glancing between it and the Devil.
You really could use that three million dollars. Newly married, new house, you and your husbandâs combined debtâ those student loans really follow you around. Heâs quite a bit older than you, and even he hasnât paid them off yet, to the point where the whole time you were dating you watched him stress out about money. You had to have a small, budget wedding, and a small, budget honeymoon. Three million dollars could be big for the two of you. You could re-do your honeymoon and go somewhere nice, like Hawaii, instead of just taking two weeks in Atlantic City. You deserve it.Â
Even so, do you really want to kill an innocent photographer? Or an innocent seasonal allergy sufferer? Or an innocent blogger? Just because you donât know or love these people doesnât mean that someone doesnât.Â
Some of these were so vague. They could be anyone, honestly. Your neighbors, your father, your friendsâŚ
âMy husband is a Badgers fan,â you say.
âHow lovely,â the Devil says.Â
Your husband Dave lifts weights at the gym twice a month. You wouldnât call him a pro, but he does it. He also drives like heâs got a bowl of hot soup in his lap all the time, because heâs afraid of being pulled over. He just got promoted to management at his company, and he takes the stairs to his seventh-story office because he hates how small and cramped the elevator is.
âI get your game,â you announce. âYou thought you could get me, but I figured you out, jackass!â
âOh really? What is my game, pray tell?â The Devil responds, leaning against his cane.
âAll these different titlesâ theyâre all just different ways to describe the same guy. My husband isnât one notch on the wheel, heâs every notch. No matter what I land on, Dave dies. Iâm wise to your tricks!âÂ
âYouâre a clever one, thatâs for sure. I thought youâd never figure it out.â
âThanks but no thanks, man,â you say with a triumphant smirk. âIâm no rube. No deal. Take me back home.â
âAs you wish, missus,â the Devil says. He snaps his fingers, and youâre gone, back to your brand-new house with your new husband. âDonât say I never tried to help anyone.â