k’s journal

translated to little star

you were given that name for multiple reasons

you are the star i will never hold

you are my guiding star through the night

but you are also forever the brightest star that shines every night.

one year ago, i should have been bringing you home

a room decorated and prepared

a clueless mother, new to the newborn phase

many nights of no sleep, adoring you, watching you breathe

but i never got to that moment with you.

instead, i lay here crying again

never hearing your tiny heartbeat

never seeing any pictures of you

watching as everyone else gets their moments

feeling my heart break again for what feels like the millionth time.

the nights are getting dark again,

i watch the stars come out

and i’m awake long enough to see them disappear.

you never leave my mind,

now i question what your first word would’ve been,

what color eyes you would’ve had,

if you would’ve been a mama’s girl or mama’s boy.

i miss you in the small things,

the cravings,

the weight gain,

the morning sickness that stayed all day,

the smallest bump i started to have.

i miss you more today than i did yesterday and i’ll miss you more tomorrow my little star.

i hope you have the best birthday in the sky, seren lee.

three years sweet boy.

it’s been exactly three years since i got that gut wrenching, heart shattering, soul ripping phone call.

life has changed so much.

kpop has changed.

everything has changed.

i’ll never be able to wrap my head around that idea.

the one that lingers in the back of my head,

the one where i wonder what you’d be doing today.

the one where i’ll never hear your voice in a new song

never hear that laugh again

never see that smile again

never see a new picture again.

i miss you binnie.

more than you know.

i hope you’re resting well wherever you are my sweet star.

i absolutely hate my hands

but now there’s a beautiful piece of jewelry sitting on it.

the day we talked about five months ago

finally came today.

we’ve been planning for five months

now the rock is sitting on that finger.

while the price tag didn’t match what he wanted

i would easily marry him with a paper ring.

the amount of love that i have been shown

in less than one year (honestly over a year)

has been more than enough to know

that he is the one i will proudly brand my married name

they always say to be scared of the maiden name,

i’ll sit back and say to be scared of my married name.

my married name comes with a man that will easily

burn the entire world down when it comes to me

and has been willing to ever since the moment

his eyes laid on me for the first time.

all i know, this forever, with this man, i’m so excited

hi my moon

eight years ago.

has it been that long already?

i miss you.

everything about you.

it completely slipped my mind

today has been horrible

and yet when i realized

i broke for a minute

and here i am again

in the school hallways

having the news broke to me

“jonghyun died, haven’t you heard?”

and now i’m absolutely shattered again

i miss you so much my love.

its been eight years since your light left the world.

i miss your voice

your laugh

that smile

the podcasts

and yet ive regressed

now i cant watch anything

hear anything

see anything

without crying my eyes out again.

i was so good for so long and now im not.

i miss you moon.

i would give the world for you to be here right now

you would be so proud

of the boys

of the progress

of them releasing “poet | artist”

and it having your voice.

named after you and your legacy.

fuck j.

i miss you more than anything

i wish you would come back.

it means sacrificing time with friends

going out and partying ever night

doing whatever you want, when you want.

being a mother means putting their needs first

putting their everything before your own while taking care of yourself too

in a matter of seven and a half months,

i have learned this

i have learned that i have to give up things i used to

just so i can make sure that these two little girls have what they need

but why can’t the person that brought them into this world?

why can’t she give up doing things to be able to meet their needs?

why am i hearing that stuff happens over at mommy’s house?

stuff that i will not disclose on this public forum until court.

why does this happen to the two best things that have happened to me?

one day, they will look at me

when the words “why weren’t we enough for her?”

leave their precious, sacred mouths

it will take every ounce of self control to answer them

without getting as pissed off as they are terrified of

to answer them and say

“i don’t know baby, but you are and will always be for me”

as multiple people have told me,

some women who deserve to be mothers will never be

but there are those who are mothers who never should have been.

though i don’t share their blood,

though i didn’t give them life,

though they don’t have my features

i will forever love these little girls because they are mine

i may have married in but i am their mother

after all, she never was so someone had to step up

and i will forever make sure that they know it was me

and that i have never and will never regret a single choice i did

always the month i dread.

i should have a four year old this month.

the month i got pregnant with what wouldve been my three month old.

my babies were meant to be.

while their fathers may disagree.

my heart is always broken this time of the year.

this year just hurts worse..

almost five months deep of being a stepmother

i never realized how hard it was

i’m waking up every day

making breakfast

picking out outfits

fixing hair

dealing with arguments

putting kids in time out

i find it funny on days where their attitudes reflect mine

even when i didn’t give them life

i’ll never be able to count on my hands the times i’ve looked at my own mother and asked her, “why didn’t you tell me being a mother is this hard?”

and she’ll always just laugh

because at the end of the day,

raising these two little girls

watching them grow up

knowing that deep down

my babies are smiling on me while i raise their sisters

and just laughing because if i think these girls have my attitude

my sweet babies would’ve had it one hundred times worse.

while this year is hard mentally, physically and i just can’t fathom it all..

these two girls have made being a mother

made the days i think i can’t get through

made every attitude

every moment

the absolute love of my life.

my safety.

my peace.

my home.

for so long, i wondered what it was like..

to be loved

cared for

looked at like i meant everything to someone.

i don’t know how i managed it

but i ended up with you.

my best friend in the world.

the one who i got so close to so fast

stayed up almost all night every night to text

immediate smile when siri read off your name

who took care of me when i was tipsy on your birthday

who came to rescue me many times at a moment’s notice

who moved in without second thought

who waited until i met his daughters to make it official.

every night, while i lay here unable to sleep

i will forever think back to the night we made it official.

the words you said,

possibly my favorite phrase that i have ever heard.

“i love you for everything that you are kenzie aleigha, i hope you know that”

i will forever question how i managed to find you.

to fall in love with you.

to do this life with you.

while i question the universe and whatever god is out there,

i will forever thank them as well because without you,

i would be so lost.

you have made the last four months

so easy

so lovestruck

so navigable

and for you, i will never be able to say thank you.

i will forever love you more than words can say.

two years ago, nine months ago, six months ago, four months ago, today. tomorrow. for the rest of this life and the next.

it doesn’t matter what i’m sacrificing.

i’m trying my fucking hardest.

i’m so tired.

i’m so ready to give up.

but it’s not in my blood.

i don’t want to lose you.

my love. my safety net. my protector.

i will never be able to show you enough love or gratitude in this world.

i feel as though i don’t do enough.

not enough showing my love, not enough expressing my care.

i feel as though i treat you awful.

you are the one.

you are it for me.

there is no one else i can see myself waking up with every morning.

there is no one else i would picture raising children with.

you are the absolute love of my life.

i do not know how to tell you this to your face

without you taking it as a joke.

i’m laying here, attempting not to cry.

for two years, i have thought of you almost daily.

from the minute almost one year later that you walked into the door, i fell right into you.

i have known i was in love with you for almost seven months.

you are the one i was meant to find.

i promise i will try better.

that i will show my love more

that i will be nicer

that i will calm down

spoke when spoken to.

i am absolutely sure that you are my future.

i just hope and pray you feel the same.

but you got mad at me

and now i sit and wonder

if i’m actually what you want

if i’m a burden.

it’s another night where i feel like i’m too much

where i shut down

where i don’t feel like i’m good enough for you

maybe i’m just what you’re keeping around

maybe i’m just a for now.

maybe you’ll discard me because you realized that i’m not worth much.

it won’t matter though

because in the end

you’re all i want in this life.

if i don’t have you

i don’t know where i’ll be.

maybe six feet below

maybe somewhere else.

maybe far, far away from here.

i just want to be good enough for you

so if that means

distancing myself

going silent

only speaking when spoken to

doing exactly as you ask

then that’s what i’ll do

tomorrow, the day after mother’s day, should mark 37 weeks.

the pain of feeling my heart ripping from my chest hurts more than anything.

knowing that i should be packing my hospital bag

quadruple checking over everything

preparing myself alone for your arrival

counting down the days until i would meet your beautiful face

finally meeting the one who knew what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside.

it’s weird when this grief of losing you hits me

it causes me to lay there, holding my stomach

knowing that’s the one place you had been

where i protected you

until i couldn’t anymore.

i have cried for the last hour

knowing that you’re not making your arrival.

i have fought to not let the pain hit me as hard as it has before

yet i’m here, sick to my stomach

because you won’t be making your arrival within the next three weeks.

i miss you, my little love.

you were the person i never expected to fall for

a week of living together and here we are

watching movies together every night

making sure i eat

taking care of me

calming me down when i need it

watching you be a dad

we pick on each other daily

we bully each other

laugh at each other

confide in each other

you’ve showed me a different kind of love

one that i never knew i deserved

one that i didn’t know existed

one that i’m so thankful for in this moment

you spoil me

you take care of me

you baby me

i am so forever thankful for you.

you gave me a new outlook on life

and this is one i may end up happy in

honestly

bin-ah,

it’s been two years. two years since i got that call.

how are you? how have you been?

time has flown in the blink of an eye but also went by so painfully slow.

jinjin kept his promise, he and several of your friends released a song today for you. just like last year.

i’ve seen so many videos of your face.

laughing

smiling

singing.

and then it hits again, that i’ll never see a new video.

i hope you’re proud of me bin.

proud of your friends.

proud of sua.

the boys announced a concert, this time they invited rocky.

i didn’t expect him to be in the song for you either and when he was, i broke. my heart ripped in half.

you are beyond loved, beyond missed.

i wish, just like every year, that there was something we could’ve done or said to save you.

i hope you continue to meet us in our dreams.

what you wouldn’t know

you gave me the best one.

i carried a child for somewhere between five and eight weeks.

while the gift would’ve been a few months late

carrying that baby will always be the gift i craved.

grief has hit me in so many waves

all my fyp shows is pregnancy

it hurts more than i could ever put in words

to sit here and hold my empty stomach

knowing that my child should be in there

driving me crazy, flipping, causing me to need to pee

i should be happy

but i’m not

instead, i lay here

in a freezing room, crying, trying to catch my breath

trying to not breakdown more

trying to fucking wrap my head around it

i never will.

these things go through my mind daily, especially lately.

i shouldn’t be 23 and accept that i will never meet my two babies.

i shouldn’t be 23 and accept the fact that my father will never walk me down the aisle.

i shouldn’t be 23 and accept that my father will never meet my kids.

i shouldn’t be 23 and accept the fact that i may never see my siblings again.

there’s so much i don’t even know what to say anymore.

to be 23 and know that these are things that i can not change fucking kill me.