Gat

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The symbol for Capricorn is the sea-goat, a goat with the tail of a fish. To the subjective mind this makes no sense, & you will never comprehend us until you learn to rise above your subjectivity. Everything about us is a paradox.

You only think we can read your mind. We can’t really. We don’t need to. We see through you the way an adult sees through a child.

If we seem like bigger assholes than most, it’s only because we refuse to be two-faced. We won’t say anything behind your back that we are unwilling to say to you directly, & we will not pretend to like someone whom we dislike.

One caveat: We will pretend to like someone whom we dislike if doing so is necessary to the well-being of someone we care about.

Capricorns sleep longer & more soundly than any other personage in the zodiac because we have no conscience.

Capricorns’ brains work very slowly. This is not the same thing as being stupid. On the contrary, it is what makes us the deepest, most profound thinkers in the zodiac. Because of the slowness of our thinking, most Capricorns will perform poorly at any task which requires a quick reaction time.

It’s not that we don’t like you. If you could see inside our heads, you’d be surprised how much we actually do like you. We just need space; that’s all. We prefer to like you from afar.

If you want advice from someone who will speak the truth bluntly with no regard for your feelings, ask a Sagittarius. If you want advice from someone who will spare you the truth to spare your feelings, ask a Cancer. If you want advice from someone with the wisdom to illuminate your situation in a way that regards both the truth & your feelings, ask a Capricorn.

Just don’t expect a quick answer. We’ll probably need a day or so to get back to you..

We are known for displaying an absurd sense of humor, even while being serious. To us, life itself is a humorous absurdity, & no one takes life more seriously than us.

Though thought to be cold & soulless, Capricorns are as deep emotionally as we are intellectually. We just don’t let you see it. We hide our emotions beneath an aloof exterior so you pussies won’t be frightened.

Capricorns are absolutely arrogant. This is not like the relative arrogance of an Aries or a Leo, signs that come across as arrogant even while they desperately try everything in their power to make you admire them. We make no attempts to impress you because we do not give a fuck what you think.

Even though our self-respect is absolute, we honestly don’t think we’re better than anyone else. We consider everyone’s input worthy of consideration, & we regard everyone as an equal.

Though we are somewhat shy, the real reason we’re quiet is because it is painful for us to squeeze our expansive minds into your narrow conversations. Also, we despise small talk.

We are occasionally willing to engage in small talk, but only if we like you a lot, and even then, only occasionally.

All Capricorns have an inner circle, outside of which we do not socialize. The chances that you will ever be a part of our circle are small. If you somehow manage to get kicked out of our circle, you will not be allowed back in.

I’m letting out a big secret here, but I think it can be told: We’re actually not gloomy people at all. Oh sure, we sink into the occasional funk, but most of our public gloominess is an act designed to offset our natural charisma, to keep at arm’s-length people in whom we are uninterested. When we are in the company of those we care about, we are incandescent. Though it might be hard for you to imagine, the people in our inner circle often consider us the life of the party.

While it’s probably true that Scorpio is the horniest sign, Capricorn is a definite close second. Even on our worst days, we can go from completely sullen to completely horny at the drop of an innuendo.

We can’t be whatever you might decide you want us to be. We can only be ourselves. If you try to possess us, control us, or define us, you will lose us. You have to learn how to hold us loosely.

Let us be clear: We absolutely do not give a fuck if we offend you. If we have offended you, it is not because we have been rude, vulgar or unwarranted; it’s because you need to grow up.

Capricorns seem harmless, & for the most part we are. But do not, I repeat, do not fuck with us! Capricorn is the indomitable sign. We will humiliate you.

When you fuck with our friends, you fuck with us. Never underestimate the fierceness of our loyalty.

Capricorns like people who can accept reality - even when reality is harsh - without feeling that the universe is somehow being unjust to them.

The fact that you like us does not mean that we are in any way obligated to pay attention to you. Capricorn is an earth sign, & like the earth, it is our nature to absorb. More than any other sign, Capricorn absorbs the energy of those around us. This is why people who are stressed out may suddenly feel calm when they’re around us. It’s also why we sometimes desperately need to hide from the world. If you see us avoiding you, as we sometimes will, just be patient with us. We’ll come back around. Even when you think we’ve told you everything, we’ve only shown you the tip of the iceberg. You will never know all of our secrets. We know that you can’t understand us, but you’re trying, & we find that adorable.

Your rising sign is the voice you speak with, the voice others will always recognize you by.

Your sun sign is the voice deep inside you, regulating you, repeating certain key phrases over and over.

Your moon sign is the voice you laugh with, the voice you tell secrets with, and the voice that tells you it’s time to cry.

Your mercury sign is the voice in your head, the one that reads for you when you’re alone, and shapes your ideas into sentences.

Your venus sign is the voice that warms you, the softer one you use around that special person.

Your mars sign is the voice that excites you, the one that gets too loud sometimes, and the one saying those things you wish you could take back.

Your jupiter sign is the voice that tells you to do better, be better, grow. The one that inspires you and humbles you.

Your saturn sign is the voice that tells you to just go do it. The one that tells you when to keep your head down and when to have fun.

Your uranus sign is the voice you speak with when adressing someone higher than you, and the voice that urges you to find your purpose, so that you may one day change the world with it.

Your neptune sign is the voice that sings you to sleep, the one you trust to tell you how your dreams went, and the one that whispers that there is so much more to the universe than we know.

Your pluto sign is the voice that only asks questions that cannot be answered. The one that, ultimately, decides what you believe.