Ad Finem Fidelis

I just want to vent out these frustration that I have. I hate the fact na I only have a select few na napagsasabihan ko ng sama ng loob ko and they totally understand. It sucks because these frustrations that I have in me are the very ones that breaks me down as a person. I'm slowly starting to lose my humanity whenever I don't get any resolution out of these frustrations. I just want to resort to violence, and kill them, or worse kill myself.

It just sucks that whenever you feel like you're starting to understand things, the world will just slap you in the face and tell you 'no, thats not how it works champ'. It sucks when you feel like forgiving all the people who did you wrong, there's this underlying grudge that will just creep out then feed your heart with hate. It sucks when you feel like you're doing better in life, you'll see other people doing better than you and you're nothing more than what you already are, a worthless shit. It sucks hearing other people's plan for their future knowing that you have nothing planned for yourself for the next years of your life. It sucks that when you feel like you got everything under control, everything will just collapse and fall apart.

These small things in life are slowly breaking me, whenever I feel like I'm on the right track I question myself am I really on the right track. Is this really it for me, am I really a no good black sheep of the family.

Licensure exam is coming up, and although I’m not wholeheartedly ready for that, like I don’t really want to take the exam, I’ll be taking it, just to give my parents the satisfaction that they were able to build an “Engr” from a fucked up kid who’s no better than the average ‘failure’ of a person. 

I don’t know if it’s unfair to my significant other that I am not sharing her these kind of stuff about my life, but I prefer not to tell other people the shit that I’m going through. (i mean I know I’m posting this online, but you know this is like a safe haven for me) I prefer to keep things to myself than let other people know, most specially those people who are really close to me. Like they’ll get to know me at a certain level only, but they won’t be able to dig up what’s underneath the happy-go-lucky person that they know me for.

Life has been hard, and I know I’m privileged enough to have these things laid out for me, but all these things that are given to me comes with a constant pressure that I need to follow certain footsteps to succeed in life, like i NEED to succeed in life, else, everything that my parents worked hard for will all go down the drain.

I just want to be happy, do things that makes me happy, be with people that makes me happy, and not be pressured by my family to their definition of success which is to be financially stable.

I know everything that my parents are doing right now will benefit me in the future, but what would that /good/ future be if I’m not happy with it. Should I just suck it up, and be thankful that I’m living a good life, but not a happy life. Or should I be more vocal with what I like and let them know where I’ll be happy. 

Where do I start, uhm, siguro let's go back 2 years ago, may nakilala ako isang strong, independent woman na breadwinner, so long story short, nagkakilala kami, we started going out. Pero nung panahong yon, I wasn't sure kung ano ba gusto ko mangyari samin, so dumating ako sa point na pinagisipan ko maigi kung ano ba gusto ko mangyare. Then I asked her 'the question', then she told me na hindi pa daw siya ready, then I was like okay. Then months passed, or maybe a year has passed. Nakausap ko siya out of nowhere, then much to my surprise, may anak na pala siya. And here's the twist, gusto niya akong kunin as ninong ng anak niya, well syempre as a filipino na walang alam about our culture, I was told na masama daw tumanggi if kukunin kang ninong, so pumayag naman ako.

Then months later na may constant communication, tinanong ko nanaman siya nung magical 'question' na yon, ngayon naman she told me what was the reason kung bakit niya ako ni-reject the first time. The reason being, nung first time daw, kaya hindi pa siya ready, kasi may guy pa siya na gusto nung time na yon, and she was still waiting for him pa daw, na it so happen, yung father ng anak niya ngayon, is the same guy na hinahantay pa daw niya before. Ngayon naman, the reason she rejected me, kasi inaantay niya daw yung father ng anak niya, kung ano magiging desisyon niya, if sasama ba sa kanila or what.

Here's the twist, yung father ng anak niya is may family. So kayo na humusga.

Pero eto naman akong tanga na andito lang for her, my friends told me to walk away, and di ko siya deserve, and yes I know naman na I deserve better. I know I should walk away na, I know na dapat na akong umalis, pero alam mo yung naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi di ko magawang umalis, na nagmumukhang pinagpipilitan ko padin sarili ko sa kanya kahit na clear na as day yung nangyayari.

Nawalan na ako ng self-respect para sa sarili ko na pinagpipilitan ko sarili ko sa kanya despite everything. Sobrang degraded na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko, yet di ko magawang mag walk away. Clownery at its finest fam.

It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and sobrang di ko na alam anong nangyayari sa buhay ko right now. I’ve kept everything inside, and share some of them to my closest friends. So this time we’re going all out. 

First, I recently graduated from college after 8 years. Yes, 8 years. So nandito ako sa point na “now what?”, I know dapat may plan tayo sa buhay, pero alam mo yung all my life, I’ve been living in the moment na never ako nag plan ng important things sa buhay ko. It sounds irresponsible, I know, pero I had no idea what to do back then, I have no idea what to do now, hopefully, magka-idea ako in the near future kung ano na mga gagawin ko sa buhay. I never asked my parents kung ano ba dapat gawin ko, and naman never sila nag suggest ng gagawin ko sa buhay, aside from taking up engineering, wala na silang sinabi sakin kung ano mga dapat ko pang gawin. Nasa point ako ng buhay ko ngayon na I ask myself the following questions: 

1. “Mag bboard exam ba ako?” - Thoughts on this is that, yes I know essential sa engineering ang license, and it’s something you can brag to other people, or something you can be proud of, pero alam mo yung wala ako sa wisyo mag board exam, wala yung puso, and utak ko mag take ng board exam. So there’s that. 

2. “Mag hanap na kaya ako ng work?” - Aside from going to school for 8 years, di biro yung ginastos ng parents ko sa 8 years na yon, alam mo yung burdened ako na tumulong sa parents ko na kahit alam kong we’re doing alright in life. Pero yung gustong gusto ko makabawi sa parents ko. Or parang ayoko na talaga mag board exam, gusto ko mag work nalang agad. 

3. “Mag masteral kaya ako?” - Wala lang, di pa ready maging adult, gusto ko nalang mag rely sa parents ko. That’s it. HAHA.

Pwede na siguro natin tawaging plan to, for the mean time, pero parang hindi padin ako capable mag decide as of the moment. I know I have to face reality and become an adult, pero feeling ko the moment I make a decision parang ano ba, gusto ko ba talaga yon, what’s in it for me, what lies ahead. 

But lately, I’ve been drawn to Korean Culture. Not because of Korean drama and such. I’ve been around Korean people for like, 7 or 8 years, or maybe more. I never really welcomed their culture. Sure, I like listening to K-Pop now, watching K-Drama and TV Shows here and there. But I never really appreciated Korean Culture as a whole. Well maybe because I got off on the wrong foot with some of my Korean Friends, but that doesn’t mean it can’t change the impression that I had towards them right?

Lately, I’ve started binge watching on a YouTube channel called “Korean Englishman” or “영국남자” and they’ve showcased a lot about Korean culture through food and other stuff. Little did I know watching these videos ignited a spark, a spark in which I decided that I wanted to explore more of what he showcase in their videos. This spark even made me start learning Hangeul. So looking back at the plans that I made before to move to Japan. I now have a long term plan to move to Korea. 

The plan is as follows: 

Long and Short Term Plan to move to Korea. Step 1: Study at KCCP from Basic Korean to Intermediate Korean Time frame of Step 1: Basic Korean (12 Weeks) Elementary Korean 1 (12 Weeks) Elementary Korean 2 (12 Weeks) Intermediate Korean 1 (12 Weeks) Intermediate Korean 2 (12 Weeks) Total: 60 Weeks or 1 Year and 2 Months Step 1.5: Take all TOPIK Certification Test Step 2: Look for available internship in Korean Companies Note: This is because I'm close to graduating. (I know it's been 7 years but I'm trying hard okay?) So I can prolong my stay in school to get an OJT for International Companies, or after I graduate I could find an opening in Korean companies that accepts foreign nationals Step 3: Get a job in Korea Pre-requisite: Accomplish Step 2 If I can't accomplish step 2&3 move on to step 4 Step 4: Start a business in Korea. Step 5: If all else fail, find a Korean person to date and marry. HAHAHA

First, I realized that I always need to look at the bigger picture in life. It’s easy to take revenge on those people who wronged us, and believe me if I say many people have wronged me in this lifetime and I could’ve gone to jail really early as a kid if I took my revenge right away. When I was growing up I experienced and witnessed a lot of violence. I could’ve easily went the wrong way throw my life away. But luckily, I didn’t. It may have been a small thing being sane as a person who experienced a lot of shit growing up, but hey I made it this far. Going back to the topic of looking at the bigger picture, I now have this drive to always look at the bigger picture before acting upon something, or mainly before doing shit. I don’t have a plan before, I don’t have one now, but I have one goal. I want to be happy in life no matter what happens. I want to live a life with no regrets. I want to do things that will make me happy. I know it’s not easy. But I’m willing to cross lines that I’ve never crossed before. It may not have a lot of sense right now for me, but along the road I hope to find the pieces that will help me achieve my goals. 

Second, I learned to value the people around me, I learned that I should invest in the people that I really trust the most. I used to have this thinking that everybody around us is just a piece of puzzle that we need then eventually throw them out when they’re no longer of use. Which explains why I don’t have a lot of friends. Aside from the fact that I have a hard time making friends, I have a harder time keeping them. I have this mindset that it’s me against the world and these people around me are just tools that I need to conquer the world. But now, my mind has changed. Itaewon Class showed me that if u invest in people, and give them your trust, it will eventually pay off. I’m not saying that all people are worth the investment, since there are still people out there that will betray you no matter what, what I’m saying is, if you invest in the RIGHT people, the investment that you did will eventually be worth it. 

Third, I realized that, we can fall 10 times, but it takes a strong person to get back up 11 times. This world is cruel, no matter what field you’re in right now, you will encounter fucked up people that will do you wrong, betray you, and destroy you. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t pick ourselves up, fix ourselves and shine bright again. I know this is not for everybody since not of us have the same mental strength to do so, but I hope if you’re one of the people that has the will to get back up, always offer a helping hand to those people who can’t look after themselves. As for me, I will always try my best from now on, to pick myself up even if things aren’t going so well in my life. 

Anyway, as I was looking back at the photos, sobrang dami ko palang maling nagawa sa ibang tao, sobrang toxic ko pala as a son, as a brother, and as a partner before. Ngayon ko lang na rrealize na as I was trying to build myself and trying to live the life that I’ve always wanted, sobrang nakakaharm pala ako sa ibang tao, specially sa family ko, lalong lalo na sa brothers ko. Hindi ako naging mabuting example sa kanila as they were growing up. I hope that they would never go down the path na tinahak ko. I hope they could forgive me in the near future. 

It feels like you’re driving on a freeway where there’s no light, you’re at a constant speed, despite having to try to accelerate, you still have nowhere to go. It’s like an endless freeway where you just want to reach your destination. I know the destination is to graduate, but I feel like my effort is not always enough despite the fact that I always give my 100% in everything whether it be something that I like or something that I don’t

Like I said it’s a freeway wherein your friends had already taken their designated exits, and you’re still out on the freeway. Eventually you’ll have to refuel yourself, but for me it feels like there’s not a single pit stop. I feel like my energy is slowly fading and there’s no stop along the way. My will to move forward is slowly fading away, the only thing that keeps me on going is the fact that I have parents whose counting on me, and 3 brothers that I still have to support.

I always thought that my parents never wanted to give me everything that I want, I have never thought that they have never lacked in giving me the things that I need. We can all agree that there’s a big difference between the things that we need and the things that we want. And me being a selfish kid growing up, always thought that the things I wanted, were the things the I needed. Boy, was I wrong. 

Despite everything that I’ve been through with my parents, I never really got to bond with them, they never really got to connect that much with me. Well, except for my mom, who is my bestest friend in the world. My parents been through a lot. And as I grow up, I got to realize everything that happened to them. Every bad thing, and every good thing that happened to them. 

Going back to the topic that our parents are never getting any younger, it’s true. I just never realized it until now. I never realized that my parents were getting sick often and had to go to the hospital more often. I always thought that they’d be young and healthy for a very long time. I always took for granted everything they did for me. I always thought that being a rebel was the way that I would get their attention. When it wasn’t just their attention that I’ve been longing for, it was their approval of the things that I did, that I was longing for. I’ve always wanted them to acknowledge me as their son. I’ve always wanted to make them proud. But it always felt like nothing that I ever did was enough for them. 

Moving past that, no matter what happens, I’ll always be proud of my parents. Despite their shortcomings as parents, I will forever remember the things that they taught me. It’s true that at some point I wanted different parents since I was a hard kid to deal with, and their ways were not really kid friendly. But I know that whatever they did, I’m sure they did it for a reason. Please don’t take your parents for granted, you may have numerous parental figures around you, but you will always have 1 set of parents that loves you the most.