My goodness was 2018 such a rollercoaster. Most definitely hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’ve been put through things that were so damn hard to get out of and most definitely risked my mental and emotional health. 

One thing’s fsho - “I loved with a love that was more than love”, and never again will I put up with someone/something when all they did was walk all over me and took advantage. Lesson learned tho, to know what to put up with and what not to put up with. It’s crazy to look back at everything and to reevaluate it all. It sucks that you can literally be the epitome of giving your all, and staying faithful/loyal no matter the past, but it just wasn’t enough to “make things last.” However, I take account of my faults - and at the end of the day, I’m so thankful, no matter how hard it was, to continue to keep the heart that I have. It’s true when they say that the best revenge is literally being happy and doing YOU with no distractions or anything like that - because after being put through things multiple times, and my god was facing the healing process so damn painful, I made it out. Truth comes to light eventually and it most definitely was not my loss at all and whats crazy to me is that everyone literally reminds/tells me that I deserve so much better. So, thank you. 

Thankful, nonetheless. Of everything that came my way this past year. It’s crazy. I fell so deep, so many insecurities and the constant reminder that “I wasn’t good enough.” but the last 2 months of 2018 reminded me that I was wrong. I am worthy of so much more and I am capable of so many things. Everything became clear, the people who are in my life made it so clear to me that all I need is them and how loved I am. This past weekend back at home was such a huge reassurance that I’ve been needing. On top of that Justin & Frenel really drove from SF to Oakland the night I came back because they wanted to hangout with me and everything. Like wow, my life’s amazing and the people who are in it are so damn amazing.

Thankful to have rekindled some relationships, as well as strengthening my relationships within family. 

I’ve became so much stronger, optimistic, and I’m so excited for what 2019 has in store for me. 

*Love openly and freely and with a purpose, create more, travel more, and continue to surround those who love you as how you love them. 

Man, has this healing been such a wavy ass process. Not sad, but not completely happy either. I’m in the middle and I fsho have my days no doubt, but all I know is that I’ve progressed so much and I should at least give myself credit for that.

I’ve been having so many dreams about you, and days where I wake up so heavy hearted because of realizing that I miss you and there’s nothing that I can do about it. These past few days, I catch myself just wishing things could have turned out for the better.

I hate that you’re literally on my mind no matter how busy I may be.

I hate that I miss you, only because I know that I’m the only one.

It all comes down to me just missing everything - all the good and fsho the bad and how we were able to get through it all, my bestfriend. 

I see so many anniversaries and mile stones being made within couples and how I wish that was us still; but I know I will have that again in the future.

At the end of the day, it is what it is and i just gotta keep the constant reminders that I will get through this and I am becoming a better version of myself, and that I will come across Mr. Right in due time; and when that time comes, man, will they be very lucky, as will I.

We can never make it through the worst of the worst without you giving up so easily and quickly, or you thinking “it’s not the right time”, or you being so quick to take everything down/changing everything. and I think that’s what hurts the most. We’re supposed to be making it through. No time can ever be the right timing but it’s true that it’ll all work out if you make it work. 

I have been there for you through everything since day one, I have seen all the different sides of you, dealt with your constant switch ups, had to put my feelings aside for the sake of us, i always dropped everything to listen to you in times you were stressed/sad/homesick, I do things for you that I feel like I can help with, always and never stopped fighting for us and more. 

and i feel like you don’t see that or appreciate that because of how it’s so easy for you to just get up and leave and think that this relationship isn’t worth it anymore. I admit, I have my flaws and my faults and no doubt, that is what i’ve been fixing, but never have I ever folded on you or acted so bitter and resentful. 

How is it so easy for you? How do I prepare myself when it comes to officially losing you, AGAIN. And most importantly, how do I prepare myself to never hear from you again? You always say that it wasn’t a “one-way” hurt, but at the end of the day, it always was. wishing your change wasn’t just a one time thing.

All I want is for me to be heard, appreciated, understood, to know that I am more than worth it/good enough that no girl can ever come in between, to have a partner I know that doesn’t always doubt us during the hardest of times, to have a partner that is willing to build from the ground up - and vice versa. 

there’s so much more i wanna say, but this will do for now i guess. 

your birthday is in 3 weeks and shit sucks how we haven’t fixed anything yet. this is the hardest of times because of the things I been had planned out. and i can’t help but to feel like we’re not even guna be talking when your birthday comes around. 

i miss you, so much. and thats all i’m left to say. we’ve been through worse. 

When you hurt, you hurt so badly to the point where you resent me and hold grudges towards me rather than healing with/towards me. When you hurt, you take your vulnerability out to someone else, believing they’re offering you more than I didn’t, when in reality, that’s all i’ve been doing. Which makes it harder for me to even get thru to you or to fix my mistakes.

I can’t even tell you these things because it’s just guna get invalidated and i’m guna be the one who’s guna end up apologizing for how I feel at the end of it. It sucks because i’m so tired of us being in this situation, we shouldn’t be in this situation for so long. 

I read all our past conversations and fuck man, what happened to the guy who always wanted to work things out w me? That no matter how stubborn i was, he stuck with me because he believed in us.

I miss the person who reminded me that no matter what comes our way, that he loves me unconditionally and we’ll be able to make it thru. After all the times you told me “I’m not and I can’t lose you again to dumb shit.” or “I won’t leave anymore because my heart always finds its way back to you.”

Are you truly with me and willing to build with me? Or was it just all an act. 

Am I the only one who wants the best for us and is willing to work for that? Am I the only one who means it when I say unconditionally?

I wish the change within you wasn’t just a “one time” thing and that I was good enough for you to see that I am flawed, but I am also loving and learning from my mistakes - that I was good enough for you to continue wanting to be THAT person because you know deep down in your heart that I can never hurt you in the ways you ever hurt me.

You’re the person who I continue to just wanna go thru life with and build from everything that comes our way, but I haven’t heard from you at all nor do I know what goes on in your mind.

I am accepting my own mistakes and learning to grow through them. I am slowly at that point where I am forgiving myself because I am more than motivated in striving to be the woman who I envision myself to be.

Also, I’m scared tbh, but at this point, I can’t do anything when I’ve tried everything. 

At the end of it all,

I was honestly never good enough for you nor worth it.

and I wish i was - unconditionally - like how you always were to me.

how am i able to fight for you? how do I know to give you space, but not too much space? 

Keeping in mind and always reminding myself you’re not like that and that you know better.

one of the hardest things to accept is that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much changes you can make, no matter how many hard lessons you’ve learned, 

you cant force someone to love you, you can’t force someone to miss you,  you can’t force someone to appreciate you, you can’t force someone to provide you reassurance as how easily it was to do before,  you can feel distant but you can’t force someone to listen to you, you can’t force someone to care, you can’t force someone to see the person you are, with how big of a heart you have, you can’t force reciprocation, you can’t force someone to be ready, to be healed, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, you can’t grow/build with someone if they don’t want to,

lastly, you can’t force someone to stick around if they simply don’t want to.

i miss it all. but there’s nothing I can do to change that besides fall back. 

but no,

Sucks that whatever I didn’t want to happen, is happening. I can’t even say the things that were said to me, “you’re pushing away the one person who’s supposed to mean the world to you,” or things along those lines bc it won’t matter.

I can express how i feel as often as i can, on here or even to that person. But it honestly doesnt matter bc it doesnt change anything anyways. You can say how you feel all you want, but it won’t change anything. And that’s the shitty part.