there's a horse loose in the hospital

Emilia: Hey you.

Emilia: I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

Emilia: And if you need a friend, I'm actually going to be heading to New York soon for some good old apartment hunting, if you wanted to tag along.

John: Hi, you. It's nice to hear from you.

John: Eh. I drowned my sorrows in some shitty Chinese food. I'm hoping it'll fuck me up and I'll be so distracted with my head in the toilet that I won't have to think about how everything around me is falling apart. Is that a good answer?

Pete: I keep telling her that but she insists she's not funny enough or enough of a star to host. I disagree. Maybe you can convince her. She loves you more anyway.

Pete: Maybe they wrote Barney Stinson after you? At least when it comes to his suit collection, that is. You know, you do look like a telethon host 98% of the time. I don't think I've ever seen you in jeans or sweatpants like ever. Petunia is the cutest gremlin I know though.

John: I'll throw a little Mulaney charm her way. Whatever the fuck that actually is. I hate that I said it already. Regardless, we're going to have your mother as the SNL host if there's anything we can do about it.

Pete: She's everyone's favorite person and it's the best thing in the world. i'm pretty sure she gets a secondhand high on most days, since my entire apartment area is always reeking of pot.

Pete: I've never met anyone with quite as many suits as you. I feel like even Barney Stinson's closet doesn't have as many suits as yours does. And he's the king of suits and even performed a musical number about suits once. You just need to start finding shit in thrift shops and putting together mismatching outfits like I do. She's pretty cute until someone asks to see your baby and she's panting like a fucking gremlin.

John: We should just have her be a guest start on SNL one of these days. Screw all those celebrity guests, they're all really fuckin stiff anyway. Your mom would be a hit.

Pete: Dude my mom loves edibles. She doesn't do them often, but she does do them every once in a while. I'm sure you of all people will be able to get her to do it.

Pete: Dude you should come live in my downstairs apartment with me. There's plenty of room. Plus Amy makes some killer casserole for dinner a few times a week. The nerve of Petunia honestly. She doesn't even pay rent or contribute and she has the nerve to judge you like that. What a bitch.

John: I’d love to get high with your mom, honestly. She is most definitely my favorite person.

Pete: Dude hop on the ferry and venture on over here to Staten Island.

Pete: Petunia doesn't know how lucky she is to see your stupid face and stupid hair every day. She does have a pretty judgey face. All the wrinkles and snorts just add into the sass.

John: Should I do it? Should I bake something to bring to your mom? Does she like edibles?

John: New York City is a ghost town without you, man. I'm lonely as fuck.