venting to the void.

i'm sorry i couldn't be better for you

nah it wasn’t like a “girl friendship” we would hold hands across the table and she would trace lines on my hand and she started texting me out of the blue just to tell me she loved me and we would call for hours on end talking about nothing just because we could and I changed my own values just because she wanted to shit talk people to me and be friends with them to their faces and I thought her opinion of me was the most important in the world and naturally I fell in love and now I have no one making me feel fluttery inside and no one holding my hand every time we get in each other’s vicinity but I don’t have to watch her choose people she hates over a girl she loves anymore and I don’t have to bend my rules anymore and I don’t have to be so sad yet so happy anymore even though I live with a shit ton of guilt. just friends by the way.

don’t let tonight be the night you spiral, love

i still feel guilty about it goddamn

like whattt can we choose one? are we talking about objectified or the fact that everyone hates you? we can talk about either but we're going in between rn and like i am getting confused

wonder if you saw me having an anxiety attack for half the day and thought that was guilt tripping too I’M JUST A SAD ANXIOUS WRECK OK

i dunno i just. i think i need to stop punishing myself for this. it's been like 2 1/2 months of guilt and self hatred and self destruction all because i want to show that i've paid my dues for someone who can't even look at me and i don't know what the point is anymore. today i nearly passed out because i had four hours of dance and the only thing i'd eaten by dinnertime was a few strawberries. i started depriving myself of sleep and self care. i used to take a painkiller or at least drink some water when i have a headache or feel ill, now i just sit in it. and my justification for it all is "this is what i deserve. this is what i have to do to prove that i am worthy of forgiveness." it was anxious attachment. no doubt in my mind. i was willing to do anything for a dab of validation, and it's not her fault. but it scares me to wonder how far i would push it if eyes weren't on me all of the time. and it makes me sad to imagine what she might say if she found out the way i destroy myself every day because i panicked one time 2 1/2 months ago and wasn't myself for a couple weeks.

remembering every time I looked past things that made me sad or feel bad about myself because she was my best friend and I loved her. all of the times I made stupid jokes so she’d crack a smile and silently remind me she didn’t hate me. every time I nearly had a panic attack on call when I realized she wasn’t listening or interested in what I had to say. all of the shit I talked about others I didn’t have a huge problem with because she didn’t like them. I thought that was just normal…

ok I genuinely hate myself

anxiety and internalized homophobia is such an interesting mix because it’s never one or the other. last night I was having a tough ballet class, my teacher was yelling at me and the other girls and yelling always puts me on edge at the VERY least. then we get to center and I’m struggling and she’s yelling at me and I hear tha stupid fucking voice in my head that ruins everything like “what a burden. why don’t you just quit and stop wasting everyone’s time” and then all of a sudden it’s like “why did you have to be fucking gay this is why no one likes you [f slur]” like WHAT THAT’S NOT EVEN RELEVANT???????

my boobs hurt 😔

what do you even want me to do? okay? sorry I didn’t look at you like “oh yes I am just as mad about this as you are” because I’m not. don’t get mad at me.

my mom is scaring me I want to go to my room curl up in a ball and cry

I really do feel guilt for everything like girl that comment just wasn’t based it is NOT a big deal