one gay awkward girl

I was thinking about this last night. Its been over a year since that dreaded Christmas party and I wanted to say a few things. 

You will never forgive me but some part of me hopes that one day you will truely see my side of what happened just like now i can see yours. I am sorry for the pain I caused you but i want you to know that i never intended to chose him, we were just pushed together. You didnt give me enough time and told me you couldnt forgive and thats what made me chose him. He loved me with open arms and made me feel special like no one has ever done before. He also cared for me on my bad days and was willing to do anything to make me happy. 

You said i ruined your mental health. Me. How do I have so much power over you. You can never blame your mental health on other people. And yes you were very vocal about it but what you didnt know is that i probably havent been properly happy since year 9. Its sad i know. I was lonely and I lost a lot of people. I loved too many people i knew I shouldnt and i knew no one would ever want me until he came along. Thats another reason why I jumped at the opportunity because I was lonely and because for once i didnt want to be the funny single friend. And even then whilst i thought i was happy i wasnt, I didnt eat for basically 5 months because you made me feel like the scum of the earth and deep down i didnt feel like i deserved to live. 

I felt guilty for so long until you talked to me when i had a clearer head and i realised how manipulative you could be. And then today you have also made me realise that you are jealous that he loves me more. I am sorry for that but then again im also not. I think you need to move on as i have and stop accusing us both of cheating and other horrible things. 

Love me

It reminded me how I wasn't over the whole situation. I should be over it but my guilty conscience keeps coming back up to bite me on the arse.

I can convince myself I'm fine and over it all until I see her face or her name pops up on my phone and then I start to feel the guilt that a god awful person like me should be feeling. It consumes me and my heart races. I just want someone to talk to but everyone have an opinion and I feel bad putting it on my friends because they shouldn't have to deal with my bad decisions. In a way a want to go back to uni and have a tea chat and cry but then we come to the issue that I'm so afraid to show feelings that I just can't.

I fully fucked myself over but I don't think I would change it. Or maybe I would. I don't fucking know. I just want it be over

In fact I probably need more time because it's me who caused the pain. As well as getting over the person I also need to get over what I did and that's fucking hard cos I'm stubborn

I think we all do bad things. There are different levels of bad things you could kill a man or you could cheat in a test. Im going out with a guy I never should have liked. We didn't handle the situation well and we hurt someone we cared about. And I still feel guilty. I think I always will. They say time heals but sometimes I think I'm stopping myself from healing because I feel like I deserve to feel the pain as a punishment for what I did.

But if we all do bad things shouldn't I let myself move on. Yes I did bad things but I'm clinging on to a friendship with someone who also hurt me, the whole situation feels unhealthy

Sometimes I feel like I deserve closure but then I know getting that closure will hurt other people and is my happiness more important than someone else's. Who is to decide that. I really want to be a good person and improve myself but I'm not sure how to start because I'm convinced that sometimes you need to be selfish in order for you to be happy.

But is my happiness worth that? Am I worth that?

I know my views are bias and that makes it hard for me to come to a decision about what to do.

And then we come to the whole concept of whether there is any point. Surely I should be selfish because we only have a small amount of time on this earth and surely I should do everything to make me happy before we go back into the void. But then again because we have such a short time on this world surely we should be nice and bring other people joy. I just honestly don't know.

I don't know if I'm a good person and I think that's is the whole problem

It's funny how situations can change but yet stay exactly the same, a year ago I cried because no boys loved me and I was lonely. Now I cry because a boy loves me but i still feel alone

What is wrong with me?

Maybe I'm just broken

Hi. We haven't spoken in a while. Now it might seem like I have my life together but of course I don't. I've nearly finished uni. It's the Easter holidays now so I only have 2 more weeks of actual uni and then exams so once again life is stressful. Uni has been amazing. It's been a year full of firsts and I have made some incredible friends. Obviously they ain't my home friends but I haven't known them all for 5 years. Taking of home friends I royally fucked that one up. Im pretty sure they all hate me. Remember that fiasco with the best friend and the ex?? Well now me and the ex are together and the best friend is now the ex. Maybe I made a catastrophical mistake that I'm going to look back on and cringe or maybe it's the best decision of my life. The more I look back on that friendship the more I see how toxic it was, but I then sometimes I don't know if it's me deflecting the guilt. The past few months have kinda been difficult on that front but I've made it. Still haven't told my parents about it all yet and in kinda dreading telling them .

Now onto the boy. He's the reason I don't post on here as often as I finally have a person I can talk to about all this instead of venting on the internet. He is just amazing. I ain't going to ramble how good he is incase we break up and I read this and want to die inside. He has been the reason a lot of my first year bucket list has been ticked off and I'm glad it's him. Now I just need to figure out the girl front however can't really do that when I have a boyfriend (weird to say that).

Anyway the reason I decided to write on here today was because I was thinking how much had changed in a year. I was still so lost last year and I am now. Although it's a different type of lost and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be properly found or whether it's just a teenage thing.

Also gonna start dating these so I know when they were written more easily

12.04.19

So I started uni 2 weeks ago and its great. it was terrifying for the first few hours but once I realised everyone else was just as scared as me it  got better. I have awesome flatmates who are all so kind and lovely. Uni is fun and I never thought I would say it but its so nice the meet new people. I have already made friends which I really like and im hoping its just going to get better. Clubbing is also fun apart from the slimy guys who touch your butt, I still haven't managed to get anyone to buy me a drink yet but we have all year for that. I have tried to pull but when I go out I get so drunk I get extremely bad at reading people and that makes it hard. I went out the other night and my friend said this guy was all over me but I just thought he was gay . . . . so yeah we are doing great.

I didn't write on here for ages because I had kinda sorted my life out. I had exams and then I was off to peru for a month and whilst I was there my anxiety vanished which was actually amazing. I also had made a friend which I told nearly everything and therefore venting to the internet was no longer needed, however I fucked it all up. 

this new friend I made was actually my best friends boyfriend and I basically fucked myself over by becoming best friends with both of them meaning when they inevitably broke up I would be caught in the middle slightly but I thought I would cope. This was all going well until he decided to tell me he was thinking about breaking up with her. and that became the problem. she would send me pictures of her making there anniversary present and it really hurt because I was having to lie to her about something important but then I couldn't tell her because I promised I wouldn't and I mean some people might say I should have told her straight away but like I said before I couldn't because I loved them both. so this was eating me up for about 2 weeks and then last week we went away camping. One night I got extremely drunk and first came out to a load of people but I cant remember who (fucked myself over) and because of this I was already in a state and I told her

and I think I was a mistake because now I think I lost 2 of my best friends. I lost him because I couldn't keep a secret and I lost her because I kept a secret and I just feel so guilty because I can see how much I hurt them both and I have no idea how to talk to them both about it. and to make everything worse I cant even relate as I am so perpetually single. 

and now I want to talk to them about uni because I am stressed as hell but don't feel like I am in the position to speak to them about my problems because I made such a big one for them.

Yesterday it was my last day of college. The last day that I have to be in compulsory education. The last day that I was able to sit with my best friends in the coffee shop and joke about teachers and innuendos. and unlike high school I don't feel ready to leave, I haven't been there long enough to leave. 

I have loved college, it has been one adventure after another and really its been the place where I have truly developed as a person. I have found myself and I am continuing to find myself. 

All I have to do now is sit the exam and get the grades .. . Easy.

So once again I am meant to be revising but I'm on tumblr and my brain is all jumbled. for the past few days I have just fekt a bit meh. when my friends are around I can usually smile and convince myself I'm fine but today I couldn't. I know its awful but I feel jealous of them, everyone always likes them more and maybe its because my sense of humour revolves around me being a bitch but honestly I just want someone who wants to hang out with me more than everyone else. I feel lonely. there are one or two people who I feel like I can talk to and perhaps I like them a little bit too much and maybe that's why it hurts. I never share secrets, I cant open up, like when someone asks something personal I just freeze up, even when people get to close I feel like I cant breath and maybe that's why I don't let anyone get too close and only let the ones who have someone better to see that something is wrong. I just feel so alone in this huge universe and I'm not sure how to cope. I mean the rational thing would be to tell someone but then I would get emotional and I cannot let the façade down. I'm trapped in my own head and the only place I can let it all out is here, where no one knows my name or who I am, in fact I'm alone here too.