thank you and goodbye

My brain

the way it turns into a milky dew of thoughts and emotions

rerouting the flow of chemicals and serotonin always cycling the same trail on the map seeking out ways to break my own heart

as if the familiarity of lows is almost comfortable

I recognize that I keep everyone at a distance

Opening up corner hallways in who I am and sharing the smallest bits as a means to protect myself

as if I won’t mentally unplug the wires inside at night and disconnect from the world

I am aware of my faults and I am aware of the talents I have that leave an impression on people

Yet, I always reach for my own hand before anyone else’s

I settle in the comfort of discomfort inside my own mind

I am aware of my internal need to distract from my well being with a smile and humor

redirecting attention I do not wish to have

Perhaps it’s habitual to come home to myself alone

To lock the door and settle in that milky dew of chemicals

I know I need to do better at welcoming the outside in

I’m aware I need to seek comfort outside of myself

Away from the contentious routine of isolation and distractions

I will do better

I will go after the things I want and stop limiting the curiosities I find

I’ll kiss the girl I found pretty on a Tuesday evening and stretch my limbs to the sky after a run

I will admit when my mind is too loud and crowded

I will chase after life in the smallest and largest ways until I’m laughing so hard my jaw hurts

Today I’ll choose to live