10:45pm in Boston.
For the first time in my life I feel okay by myself.
I’ve accepted the loss of someone I never wanted to lose. I’ve made it to a stage of forgiveness. My heart still aches at times, and sometimes I still find myself missing their voice and their warm embrace, holding on to a small glimmer of hope that it may still be us in the end.. but deep down I also know that I will be okay if that’s not the case.
Had I not leaned into my faith, got back in therapy, and focused explicitly on healing, I don’t doubt for a second that I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have ended my life months ago. Truth is I lost a lot of weight, battled depression as it got tough to get out of bed at times, and cried myself to sleep for months. I battled all this while taking classes, studying for the MCAT, and every thing in between. I unintentionally wore black all the time, it’s the only color that felt right. At one point I had a few people call me out on it until I cracked, but I truly allowed myself to mourn. I no longer decided that emotions were scary and that I was “too intense”. I allowed the waves to swallow me whole and I can say that in doing so I made it out alive. Now I’m looking back with all these life changes wondering how the hell I managed to make it through something so visceral and intense -- but I’m here to tell the tale.
There are so many things I wish I could say. But after all the pain I have to admit that my heart still aches for yours, I don’t want anyone else but you. Years ago i taught myself how to turn any painful emotions you’ve left me with into love. And I don’t know if that's a blessing or a curse anymore. One minute I want to light everything on fire, the next I just want to uplift you and cheer you on. Till this day, I don’t doubt the fact that what I had for you at the end of the each day is love.
However, I know after all that pain that there’s no way I can feel safe in your arms again. So even though you’re the only one I want, I can’t have you. Because every bone in my body has now deemed you unsafe and I'm deciding to keep those walls high. So if this state of singleness is meant to last for a while I am at peace with it.
Thank you for allowing me to feel loved and know that I can love in return. It was good while it lasted.
