Feelings

I haven’t seen you since the end of July, when we parted ways and you said you’d remember to still “be a friend.”

You hugged me sharply and quickly, in a parking lot with sprinkling rain. We had always carpooled to lunch, but that day you drove yourself.

Yeah, you kept your promise for a few months. You fell on and off of the friendship bandwagon. I know she was visiting when you were missing for weekends.

Time passed and I started to get mad. Your view of our friendship made me feel used and like I was a backup for your emotional security.

I started to play a game. If I didn’t reach out, would you?

And so it began, us not talking for weeks, even though I could still see you viewing my SnapChat story (because you don’t facebook or text me, why would you choose anything but SnapChat?)

I tried to learn to love myself, the way I was before I met you, the way I have always been. I blocked you so you couldn’t see my posts.

But then I’d break and unblock you to see if you still cared. You did. Sometimes you’d reply to a story, sometimes you’d just view it.

I continued on with this game, with the longest of us ever talking being 3ish weeks. You’d break it with a photo snap which I would figure out you sent to everyone. Your snap score continued to go up, so I know you were talking to others, probably her.

Now it’s February 14th, a day I so naively thought we’d have together. You’d been officially with her, this girl that just seems to be so vain in her online presence and who only ever makes ugly faces with her pencil thin eyebrows and fake blonde hair in your photos, since September. News you so giddily told our mutual friend, who you had to know would tell me.

All this time you’ve never mentioned her to me. Like I’m stupid and don’t have a PhD, which you used to love to comment on. Was it my intelligence that pushed you away?

You posted a snap story of you making a goofy face and her making a stupid face and she pretends to eat a hot dog. It looks like you took her to a hockey game or concert. For you, you have the time, energy, and money that you never did for me.

Yes, I saw the photo in your little circle. Yes, I’m sad as fuck and feel insulted by you. But guess what baby boy. This time I chose differently. This time I blocked you on snapchat and facebook.

Because you chose someone else. 

It’s been almost half a year since I’ve seen you in person. I thought moving to the other side of Lake Michigan would make me forget you. That distance would be good. Helpful.

It wasn’t.

It seems like as soon as I moved out, she moved in. Even though you had been seeing her for about a month at that point, I didn’t know that. You were always so private. How was I supposed to know?

How did I ever feel like I knew you.

But then you were tagged in a photo on facebook. One of your master’s cohort friends who likes to document everything. You invited HER to your annual get-together with your master’s friends.

I think I knew then SHE was staying around.

I don’t know anything about this girl. I’m sure she has a fine personality. I only know her online persona. She seems vapid. She seems fake. Her teeth are too white and her hair color isn’t natural. She posts so many selfies. And who the fuck wears pinky rings in 2019?

But it’s been 5 months.

You’re officially in a relationship with her. You smile wide in every photo. You dress up. You wine and dine her even though with me you were always pretty stingy. Heard through the grapevine that you have been since September.

You still send me snapchats. Never facebook notifications. Never texts. Nothing but SnapChat texts which flow away after 24 hours. SnapChat texts that you don’t respond to for days at a time. You never remember what we were talking about. You sometimes leave me on read.

You’re playing with my heart and I think you know it. But you won’t stop it.

 I know you’re what we would call a “fuck boi.”

Too bad we never even got to fuck.

Now everyday I’m kicking myself for agreeing for us to be “friends.” I’m kicking myself that I ever told you I had feelings for you. I was so naïve that I thought you might too.

You chose a 22 year-old. You, a 27 year-old, chose a 22 year-old.

I know you’re immature. I know I intimidate you. I know I’m not as attractive as the one you did choose. But why lead me on like you did? Like you continue to do?

Why?

We’re at an impasse now. With every happy couples pic she posts, I’m out. With every left on read snap, I’m out. With every hopeful comment you send my way, I know I need to fight.

I’m not talking to you anymore. You make me feel worse about myself and I don’t need that.I’m just so tired of being sad and stuck in the past while you moved on immediately.

You didn’t. even. pause.