death

loneliness

thoughts pop in my head what feels like any moment i leave empty space in my head

it makes it hard to sleep

I try to find things to do but at times I feel like I'm just wasting away my time

and then I think about how my parents and siblings and friends are all doing their own thing

and I'm just by myself

and the thoughts start again

I feel like a waste of other people's time being around them

then I get anxiety that I'm wasting my time being alone

can only feel fine when I'm asleep

have the hardest time falling and staying asleep

My eyes have the absolute worst black rings or bags or whatever they are

I hate them so much

I look like death

All this damage just to do some stupid show that hardly anyone cares about

I feel so useless

Like what I do isn't making any difference or helping anyone

Been stuck watching a bunch of videos on wildland firefighters

Such a dangerous and hard job that basically pays the same or less than what I make already

But I have such a huge urge to do something like that

Something that I feel like makes a difference and actually helps

Thought a lot about being a local firefighter like my dad

But hearing what happened when he was in there's just so much politics and bs

Just don't know what to do

a failure