Someone who isn’t you.

Someone who makes me feel the way you did.

Not the exact same.

Different in his own wonderful way.

I love him.

I have loved him for a while.

Quietly those feelings started to fill me up.

Quietly my feelings for him replaced the gapping hole you left in my heart.

Quietly,

Suddenly,

love creeped back into my cold heart.

He is who I think of,

when a love song plays.

He is the one,

that my every thought goes to.

He loves me,

even with all my dirty little secrets.

Do you think it’s true that if you dream of someone you love it means they are dreaming of you too?

I like to hope so.

It was a sweet dream.

Come back to me.

I keep searching for an open door.

What if I just called you.

How crazy would that be.

How awful would I be?

because I’m not over you.

I needed to learn that no matter what I did

the place you filled in my soul

will never be filled.

Though I have never tried falling in love

since you.

Though I haven’t dated anyone

since you.

Though I haven’t tried hard enough

to move on from you.

Maybe I don’t want to.

Maybe all I want

and all I’ll ever want

Oh how I still miss you.

Oh how hopeful I am to see you again.

Oh how hopeful I am.

and all I wanted

was for you to walk through the door.

But you don’t live here.

You don’t go to my bar.

as though

doorways

are being opened

for all the

wrong

people

I’d love to tell you about it

but I ruined that didn’t I?

It was pouring rain today,

I wish we could have had a kissing in the rain moment.

Go inside after and warm each other up.

Watch a beautiful sunset.

But I was with a friend

and I was thinking of you too much to ask these things if him.

I’ve been thinking of you too much.

Constantly I worry that I am the one who’s supposed to reach out to you.

Time is slipping away from us.

It scares me thinking about my life without you.

It scares me more thinking about a life with you.

I wish we could just be friends.

I wish we could just be something with no names to it.

I wish we could just grab a coffee and catch up every so often and be okay with that.

So many I wished and yet I could just call you.

I could just reach out.

Am I too stubborn?

Is the heartbreak still blinding me years later?

Will we ever share another glance?

Will I live the rest of my life knowing you are going to become a stranger to me?

That thought still makes me shed a tear or two.

You make me shed a tear or two because I know I am not good for you.

Yet you are still so many of my waking thoughts.

Two years ago.

I miss our sunsets.

I miss the smoke dates.

I miss our conversations.

Deep or superficial they were all so meaningful.

I hate that it’s hard to remember details.

I loved so much that you were able to fill some of those details in.

Maybe part of missing you hurts so deeply

because I feel as though I am loosing a part of myself.

It’s been so long since I’ve talked to you and even as I write this I hold back tears.

Recently someone has made me think about dating again.

It scared me because I’m not ready.

I haven’t let you go.

Often I find myself wondering…

Are you the one that got away?

I don’t like to stay on this idea for long and don’t have an answer for that yet.

I just miss you.

There were two.

But I kept the birthday card you wrote me. There was such sweet words in there I couldn’t imagine throwing it away. Like I did your love.

Crazy how I’m sentimental over things that remind me of you and yet I am still too stubborn to reach out to you.