Justanotherdumbassss

It’s like your mind uses your body to let you know that you need a good cry

The mask at home says “I’m here to serve”

Endure, I can’t change the status quo

Keep the peace, I can’t handle the shouting

Dream of when everything is quiet,

Maybe something will happen on the travels for better or for worse

Looking for an escape

From what’s behind the door

Afraid of what’s to come

Raised voices turning into something more

Worry for others facing the same demon

An unnecessary evil, their demeanor

It all adds up, it all leads,

Trying to find the ground beneath the feet

One moment to relax, next to despair

Peace and dread, walking a fine fucking edge

The door remains right there,

The one you can’t hack out of, the one you return to

Wondering what gets killed first,

The hope or the will

You step out the door

with a facade made fine,

Years of putting on a mask,

It’s so easy to watch others work tirelessly towards their dreams

It’s so easy to want yet not have

It’s so easy to watch the world pass you by

It’s so easy to want an end

It’s so easy to be forgetful

It’s so easy to be invisible

It’s so easy to dream

It’s so easy to remain mediocre

Feeling tired is easy, wanting to kill myself is easy

I aim to become good enough to be able to write the stories I want.

Collated documents for a lawyer

Sent an email out to a customer service for a missing part

Walked almost 6 kms today morning

The only reason I’m here is so that I can be there for my mom and brother.

Every day we have to walk on eggshells around my dad. Every day we have to be stuck in this hellhole because I don’t earn enough money to be able to move out.

I’m tired. I used to dream that I will move away, away from this family, away from this country. I did everything I could to try and get a loan, year after year, but I couldn’t get it.

And I realised that I can’t do it, I can’t leave my brother to deal with all of this alone. I can’t leave my mom because her health has its own ups and downs.

I stand still,

Rigid, stuck, unmoving

Stale hands, heavy eyelids

Ache in my chest

I hold on,

It could be worse

Repeat