Mariele

Therapy was good. Didnt dissociate like last time! We talked about various things, how my life is drama free, and how i would like to , like they say, ”live a little”. How ive been reading romance novels and watching hallmark movies just to state that my own life is lacking.

And about one friendship, were we never see esch other due to the distance, but talk to each other 50 times a day. A friendship, that I couldnt have if i was dating- a friendship, that scarily resembles something else.

Was a good therapy. At the last minutes, i asked my therapist to tell me something about her i dont yet know, but she would be okay to tell me about. That was a very adult way of my child parts asking, who are you really, and what are we?

Last time I dissociated badly, and my therapist asked me what song fits that. Now, dissociation fits no song. Or no song fits dissociation. But when mu dissociation crumbled, the first song i remembered was one by Emma salokoski that i heard 8 years ago, when i was inpatient and ver broken. It made me think of my therapist. Heres a loose translation that I made up on the spot

Yes i know the surface of the water is far

Cant see to the bottom, cant see whether theres fish or sharks underneath that could easily eat me

But you see further than the surface, you take me with and make me dare go with you, ive never dived in so dangerously

So you lead me with your sure grip

Further from the safety of the shore

And im scared but there, youre voice it calms me

It reminds me how i had a deathgrip on my therapist 8 years ago when I met her, when I was so broken into pieces and I just knew if someone she could put me back together.

We talked about how my bpd traits are more prominent in my inner world and personality development more so than in my actions and emotion regulation. Very validating for a professional to even recognise my bpd.

We also talked about my being dependent on other people, how its different from a heslthy dependence. How I use them as functional objects.. realised I dont meet new people for themselves (for finding them interesting), rather for using them to fill the gaps in my life.

Such a good therapy lesson.. i cried at least twice.. i realised i dont look people in the eye anymore. I am so ashamed of myself, i dont want others to see me or to see others.