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I got my teeny lil acrylic water pipe in the mail today (yay!!!!!!) and hopefully tonight I'm getting some more weed so I can chill the fuck out. I feel better now that the airways are clear and I can breathe better, I'm just so anxious. this must be how I am all the time. I need to settle out. I need to find my comfort in my self. this will all make sense once I can go outside and blow some smoke.

ok my soul can settle now. and I'm cutting social media out of my life cause it's seemed to work in helping me keep my cool when seeing other people. I'm also cutting people out of my life unless they still want a cut (so basically I won't have a hard time w that) but that's happening gradually with little to no change in my lifestyle. this year will be so different. I hope not as lonely and melancholy as it seems, but c'est la vie.

I feel SO much better. Just now that I've given some time and space, and very much thought to figure it all out. I did my first Tarot reading which was extremely successful and I think spurred an emotional reaction from me. All the sudden I basically lost it again and started crying even though my findings were all seemingly gazing towards a brighter future. It felt like sadness and the complete opposite of what the reading had seemed to give. Maybe it was my purge. Like when you vomit and feel better afterwards. I mean I woke up feeling like death, my body began to hurt again from the sheer pain of exhaustion and just plain feeling bad for myself. But something else. Also. So I hope what I've done for myself isn't just a quick act of my medication taking glorious effect, but maybe I pull the weight off my chest fully. It's felt hard to breathe. And now I feel like my half has lifted. I've been sincere and genuine if those words can now fit, and I'm making myself glorious again. I hope can get some of the return from my sincerity and be ok again. I need to make more changes, of course I do, I'm healing and I'll be healing my whole life (it's something I just can't help) but I might as well take it a step at a time, whether that step feel sad of hopeless. I'm lifting myself up again, I hope I'm not the only person here for myself.

my feelings are swung around on the neck of a snarling beast, and the whiplash lingers with every fast changing feeling. it's like a constant fight between myself and cutting it off on making decisions because they don't match what I'll feel the next minute. I'm frustrated. i can say 50 separate emotions off the top of my head spanning only ten minutes. I can't agree with anything. I need to set this right but the answer on how to lies in the trial and error. I know nothing. please forgive my inconsistencies.

we have one chance, one chance... to get everything right we have one chance, one chance, and if we're lucky we might, my friends, my habits, my family they mean so much to me, I just don't think that it's right I've seen so many ships sail in, just to sail back out again and go on sinking...

is this it?? am I never going into the same jigsaw with the same pieces ever again? my heart is sick.

I was reminded a little brutally that my heart hurts still and there's a world going on without me that I fear having place in. oh god I don't like change. there are things I just need to take back and I'm still being counterproductive. what do I do?? ok I give up what fucking ever, just tell me what's still wrong?? I can't feel like this every time I'm not high and distracted. i should be done crying and just get over it but it stops me in my tracks, I've done everything, I keep doing more, I'll keep doing more, but how much more do I need of this? I'm doing everything, I'm changing but it's not all easy.

I was gonna get modest mouse tickets & EVERYTHING. fuckin

I'm getting a diary (yay!) and a bento box and the moon has an aura!!! my grandma made really great fucking chicken dinner, I feel FULLfilled

I made gingerbread cookies they SO dam good this time. idk why I usually don't like them but we used a spice mixture my grandma bought in Spain and I wish I could eat a million more and share them w ppl cause I'm high and happy.

I'm considering hiding these blabbers on a diary instead of here (like I said before) cause it's a little scary ppl MIGHT see it by chance an ill cry

I'm having flashbacks and deja-vu with dreams I've had just by sittin here. it's Christmas, I can pleasure myself materialistically.

Bong hits that taste like lavender. Nostalgia made of a different experience. Comfortably high and separate. I am my own little planet. I need me to survive. Although I am purple and my name is unheard of. Violet, a clairvoyant color. The flowers of girls. Of us with gentle natures. I cannot but if I could by tears would taste like lavender. And burn my skin in an itchy parallel fashion. My home and empty heart, it's all a cushion.

there's only so much happiness I can put into myself when it's like sorrow is weighing me down. I'm doing so well for being me though. I haven't broken down yet. my sister's with her friend so I have the house to myself to cry it out again later. my mom has been really supportive. my family (when they're around because I basically only ever see my mom) has been kind to me and a guy asked me for advice picking a poinsettia in Walmart then complimented my hair. I was able to react humanly, I was just taken aback that I existed on a plane of which people didn't have bad intentions (or no intentions at all) and he thanked me for my help. I went to plow and hearth before that and I started feeling sick because I was bleeding though my panties since I've been so completely out of it, I forgot to put a tampon in. Then I started panicking over maybe seeing someone I knew, and how they'd see me miserable and know that's exactly the way it's meant to be. Instead my mom bought me socks and then in Walmart we got gingerbread house kits. a lot of the drives I'm being taken on are knitted in with memories because I remember the sea of flowing gold grass, looking down and admiring Beautiful Run and smoking in cornfields, I remember saying that this was the life I wanted to live, side my side, crouching in the dampness of Virginia mud and taking hits with my favorite person on Earth, and so far beyond. My favorite soul in any infinity of galaxies, parallel universes and the cosmos themselves. And I whisked it away with my unhealthy tendencies. I can't help but thinking in one of those aforementioned universes that we could be doing an infinite number of different things. And if anything I hope it would be what we always do (did). This kind of validation hurts. I don't know where I am. I am flying through time that I'm praying is mending my mistakes. I can scream into the void and no human is listening, but maybe the universe is. This message will bounce into outer space back onto earth at least once so maybe some blessed power will give me just one opening. just one chance and if I deserve to have any part of it back, I will prove myself worthy. My heart hurts and it's all I can think about, wading in the stagnant water, looking up to what I can't reach and down into the iridescent pool of the past I can't have anymore, drinking it up and it's all blue. A color that excites and amazes me, and I have been mistaken my it.

I'm getting 4 grams...... we're going out for Mexican food...... I need to breathe and enjoy what I have for just a little while. It hurts so much to dwell on what I've lost, but when there's an empty space, you tend to notice it. especially when it was everything to you.

fishnets made of scar tissue and you can't take them off, dirty forever

I'm the one place for all human waste. I sponge up your plagues and insecurities and when you're pure like silver, I stay where I stay, bathing, inebriated with everything you could not hold but rained out like tears, and I cry them second hand, racking my bones like prison cell bars that I want nothing more but to rip from my chest and start again.