AJ

intended to teach something, particularly in having moral instruction as a motive: "a didactic novel that set out to expose social injustice"

Growing up think every day "How do I survive through today?" didn't allow for me to live in the moment and enjoy my childhood. Everything was a chore, everything I did was wrong, and everything would happen again tomorrow. There was nothing to look forward to, no passions to pursue, and no long-term happiness in sight.

I'll raise my own children one day, and when I teach them the importance of responsibility, I'll have to remind myself to allow them to be kids and enjoy their life. That, in turn, will also give them the healthy environment to live in the moment and truly learn and grasp concepts in the classroom.

The machines beeping.

The nurse shoes squeaking.

The air compression sleeves pumping.

My dad had another stroke, which makes it his 7th.

What a depressing place this is. The place you don't want to ever spend a day in, but you rely heavily on the medical staff here to take care of your loved one. Since COVID, so many people have left the healthcare world. There's a shortage of nurses. The nurse to patient ratio has increased.

Neglect in the hospital is real, but there's nothing you can do about it, at least not at this level of care. I wish I was filthy rich so my dad could have private care, and I wouldn't have to sit at work wondering if they fed him yet or if he's sitting in his own urine.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/altruism

unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others

One of my pet peeves is when people can’t admit that they’re wrong. If you made a mistake, accept it, and admit it. No matter how much the truth hurts, lies hurt much worse. Always tell me the truth, because if I find out you’re lying to me, it literally feels like a piles of bricks fell on me. Stop. Lying. To. People. You. Care. About.

Is it that being with someone who I believe is a man makes me feel safe to be and feel like a woman? Someone who allows me to love the color pink?

But, I was with my husband for 2 years before that moment, so perhaps that's not fully the case.

It's interesting though--my newfound love for pink. I used to hate the femininity of it. I was so headstrong and had a god complex since I was taking care of my family. There was no time for any sign of femininity or vulnerability as it was related to weakness.

Now, I love it. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I love everything pink.

When I didn't know what career to pursue, the first question people asked me was, "What are you passionate about?" I don't think that's the way to go about it IF you want work life balance.

When I was in a job I was really passionate about, I didn't know how to turn "it" off. I would work overtime without pay and if something came up or I had an urge to do some for work after hours, I didn't hesitate to go do it. However, that takes time away from my family.

When I was in a job that I like, am good at, but not super passionate about, I can turn it off when 5 pm hits. I don't care about it that much. Not enough for it to cut into my time with my husband. I'm already away from my husband for 8 hours, why be away for more? I know I'd regret it down the road if I'm neglecting my husband now.

This is a work philosophy I hope to remember and live by. Work is important because it pays the bills, but what's the point of making money if you're not spending time with your loved ones?

It's not worth it, not for me anyway. Because if work was all that mattered to me, I wouldn't have gotten married and I wouldn't want kids. The truth is I got married to someone I love deeply and want to give the world to, and I want to have kids and love them with every part of my being. You can't serve two masters.

But why? Why does it affect me so much? Does it affect others the same way? Does it stem from my childhood of feeling I could never fail? And if I did something wrong that my parents made me feel like the worst child to ever exist? That my wrongdoing tarnished their name and that I am not worthy?

It's got to be where this feeling comes from.

Dang, this feeling sucks. But suck it up, Amy. You can't grow and learn without doing, and doing means there is always the possibility of failure.

I should have known:

When I stopped cleaning every day

When I didn't want to be around people

When I wanted to step down from my leadership position

When the thought of being in a car accident became less scary

When everything became a chore

Even when I wasn't so aware or conscious of what my motivation was, I was still disciplined. Still cleaned, still did laundry, still drank my water, still ate. But now the dishes stack up, laundry doesn't get fold, I don't drink enough water, and I don't prioritize my nutrition - just to name a few.

The worst part about being depressed right now is having my husband. When I was depressed back then, it didn't matter. To sulk in your own depression when it doesn't so intimately affect someone else was something you dealt with on your own. If you didn't make good decisions that day, it only immediately and intimately affected you. To sulk in my own depression now means not paying attention to my husband, not caring about what he thinks, not asking him how he's feeling.

I've been depressed the last few months, and somehow wasn't consciously aware of it, but I should have known.

Agh, depression is hard. It's hard to be in, and hard to get out.

But, it's been better these passed few weeks. Thank the Lord.