Everything

putting something or someone "on the backburner" means to temporarily set it aside or give it less priority

it's raining in the downtown and rain in this city never seems to be the kind that invites swirling dance or carefree smiles. it's more of a havoc-wreaking downpour that turns the streets into a mess. the pitter-patter of raindrops echoed through the air, mingling with the sounds of honking horns and hurried footsteps. puddles eagerly await to trap unsuspecting feet, and the roads have become slippery battlegrounds where vehicles wage a silent war against anyone who dares to cross their path.

it's chaos, i sighed.

the clock strikes five. i'm supposed to go home. but as i sit by the window, gazing out at the orchestra of chaos and disorder, the thought of 'going home quickly so i can wash my laundry' no longer appeals to me. outside the window, drops collide with the concrete, creating a mosaic of shimmering reflections. rain kissed street is never my favorite. it's wet, it's slippery, dirty and annoying.

the poets wrote a lot of magnificent poems about rain. they speak of rain as a conduit of messages to lost lovers, a catalyst for cathartic tears, a companion to sorrow and grief. and a lot of others spectacular stuffs. but in the real world, rain is moisture condensed from the atmosphere that falls visibly in separate drops. humans tend to romanticize anything and perceive things differently from what they truly are. it tickles me the way we talk about rain and sun and moon and the universe and other ordinary objects. in fact, those things aren't magical, they are matter consist of atoms just like everything else.

as i contemplate this, my phone interrupts my thoughts with a ringing tone--- it's him.

"hey how have you been?" his voice traveled through my earphone.

"i'm doing okay!" --- i have a lot of questions spinning in my head, actually. a simple 'how are you' sounds too bland and 'i've been missing you' sounds like i was desperate. i don't like both.

"how's the new job treating you?" at least it sounded better, for me. it seemed like a safer option, a way to show my interest without exposing the depths of my longing.

a spark of enthusiasm dancing within his voice, "it's been quite an adventure!" from his speaking tone, i can picture a boy with bright grin and cheerful smile. a sheer of exhaustion will clearly prettify his face. and i know he'll still look wonderful and magnificent, like the spring and sun kissed cherry blossom, like all dear things combined.

"that sounds great." --- i'm grateful for you.

"i'm actually at the cafe tucked away in the basement at your office. are you busy? should we meet and, you know catch up?"

i smiled-- as if he could see me at my seat peering out at the world outside, where the downpour still orchestrates its chaotic symphony. the passion in his voice was undeniable, and i couldn't help but feel a bittersweet pang within my chest. once upon a time, i was the first person he turned to in his moments of vulnerability. now, in his newfound happiness, our roles have shifted somehow.

"sure." i replied, exhaling a long breath. "it's been a long time."

i made my way down the stairs, anticipation mingling with a hint of nostalgia. as i entered the cafe, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee enveloped me. and there he sat, a familiar face in a sea of strangers, a soft ray in the middle of cloudy evening. his eyes lighting up as he spotted me.

he greeted me with a warm hello, his voice carrying a tinge of excitement. "hey there! it's so good to see you," he said, a genuine smile playing on his lips.

i returned the smile, my heart embracing the familiar rhythm of our conversation. "likewise! how's everything been going for you?" i asked, genuinely curious about the details of his new life.

his eyes brightened "it's been quite the journey," he replied, his voice filled with a mixture of pride and exhaustion.

he proceeded to recount tales of challenges faced and triumphs achieved, painting a vivid picture of his new professional landscape. i mustered a smile and listened intently, savoring each word like a delicate sip of the finest wine.

to be honest, we didn't talk much after he got his new job in a different city. holidays was the only time we could sit side by side; remnants of our old familiarity. but now, we cant spend our holidays together anymore. he's busy doing whatever and i am drowning in piles of work. i called him at times: when it was sunday and the weather was nice, when it was a drizzling morning and i want to remind him to eat his breakfast, when the day was as cozy as his presence in my life. but of course he rarely replied. the only times he called me were when there was a hurricane in his city, when it was 3am and he couldn't sleep, when the omelet was too salty and he couldn't bring himself to eat breakfast. while he reminds me of all short of enchanting things, spring, and early autumn, perhaps i remind him of winter and vulnerabilities, of abandoned castles and 3am spooky stories.

i know it all along that i am never his first place. he was never consistent in his presence, yet i was always there for him. i was there when he was ugly and disoriented, when he celebrated his birthday with stale store-bought cake, but i made the best wish for him anyway, i still gently caressed his fragile cheeks no matter how rough it had become. i accept the role of being the one he turns to when he needs someone, even though i know deep down that i can never truly be what he was looking for.

as i keep listening to him very attentively, i acknowledge the genuine joy radiating within himself.

he looks like he belongs.

he looks complete.

without me.

i should be happy about that. but a person can have everpresent feelings. even though i am happy for him, seeing him from this short distance made me realize how much i tried to fill the hole he left behind.

"it sounds fantastic!" i smiled enthusiastically. "i'm grateful things are going well for you."

being close to him like this show me how well he is doing, surrounded by a world that welcome him with open arms. it bring a mix of emotions knowing that i remain on the sideline, that i can't be the one to bring him happiness.

but well, who am i anyway.

"how about you?"

"me?"

"yes, it's only me talking about myself, i though you'll throw up because how boring it is."

"no! it's not. i'm happy hearing all of that, really!"

he chuckled, a warm and genuine sound that filled the air between us. "okay then, how about you? how have you been?"

"well," i began, my voice slightly wavering. "unlike you, my life is a repetitive continuation, from work to home, 8 to 5, it's predictable and boring, i guess?"

"boring? but what about the monsteras and anthuriums? have they been well?"

"they're doing better than i am." a soft smile tugged at the corners of my lips. "they're healthy and happily unemployed."

he let out a small laugh. "i wish i was them. stand tall and proud, and happily unemployed."

"yeah."

"actually," amidst the flow of conversation, he paused, "you know," he began again, his voice laced with sincerity, "i would be honored if you could help me prepare my upcoming birthday party. it wouldn't be the same without you."

"birthday party?"

"yes."

there he goes again. he and his inconsistencies. he and his unreliable words. he and his intermittent presence.

birthday preparation? after weeks of not exchanging words, of feeling like we had finally become strangers; his sudden gesture of including me in his celebration felt both surprising, and expected. it seems like i have grown accustomed with the uncertainties that come with his existence in my life. he becomes a familiar pattern, a repetitive storyline.

he always has a way of leaving me in the dust, knowing i will always come running whenever he calls. he is the master of leaving breadcrumbs, of giving me just enough to keep me hooked, but never enough to truly hold onto. i know that i will never be the one he yearns for when the sun kiss the horizon, or the one he craves to share his future dreams with. i am a gap, a placeholder in between his grand adventures. i could've chose different path, i could've walked away but i made a conscious decision not to, for the allure of being the one he turned to for advice, the one he sought solace with, is too captivating to resist.

and finally,

with a gentle smile, i mustered the courage to respond, "i would be honored to celebrate your birthday with you. it would mean a lot to me."

as our eyes met, i could sense a flicker of something familiar, his satisfied gaze. he knows he can count on me, regardless of the situation or how much time had passed.

so, i welcome him.

i let him in.

once again.