Madman's diary

thought my drug would help me but i'm still thinking suicidal and arm wrestling with the urge to hurt myself. daily, pretty much the whole counting thing can go to hell, i'm too tired to do that and it's just shit for my mental health. I've been eating way too much salt too past few days bc caviar paste and that has a ton of salt so that could very well be why i got +2kg all of a sudden.

went on a drug trip and it wasn't really fun but i wouln't say ''bad'' either. just felt shit so insanely insane and that hasn't really left me since. Never felt so fucking unwanted and alone. my god. irony is that i know exactly what i'm lacking and that's making me like shit on a fundamental level and the answer is simple but i'm just too scared of it. i literally just want a hug. i just want it so fucking bad i don't know what will happen if i get what i want.

some rather repressed borderline 'sexual' feelings (for all i know) just felt so dirty and gross about it but it's just kinda whatever, the kind of weird i can accept in myself, no problem, just that others do not need to know about it. dualism of mind/ soul and flesh. which is what i believe in, two entities, possibly three if a soul exists and is a separate one. way i'm trying to be in terms with myself and having a body is that neither of us wanted each other in there and yet were stuck together for a lifetime. enemies to lovers story arch, hopefully. slightly less lonely existance when you consider yourself as a unit of two and possibly more. - throw in the feeling of unstable self (mentally) like if there are many (fronts or modes) of 'me' inside the body and i'd say that the flesh has feelings of it's own which are more or less biological but it also has trauma of things i (as the mind(?)) don't?

that. the soul is a masculine entity. if that was me. i got kicked out of Elysium. By Hades. Who is Michael? angelic in nature. a scrawny, sad lonely little creature without parents. i just want to be held and be cared for for a little while, i can't take care of myself right. forgive the filthy feelings, i don't hate myself. what i also need to do is go to the woods. eat right. get strong. like brothers in the woods. i got brothers in the woods, they got kicked out also, they're hurting also, just as much as me. When i'm sober it's just me and my solution to everything being suicide, flesh has come up a way; i get paralyzed when i want to hurt myself. i can't move. Supposed it doesn't like being cut and is protesting now. I'm still just so fucking tired, probably mentally more than physically. faint aches i didn't notice before, in my muscles. head just wants to get high and not come down for i don't know how to handle this life anymore. back on the verge of crisis just kinda wobbling on both sides slightly. I don't know what to do anymore. i'm losing hope. i know it's probably just rough love given in a form of digging out some of the most painful shit in my mind and forcing me to knowledge that that is what's hurting me. kind of a, you know, just showing it to me, like there is no room for interperting it wrong here anymore, this is like the source, the knife in the artery in a way. a clear ''fix this''.

i don't think if i'll eat more since it's late and i know i'll just want to eat everything if i'm sad but i also wanna go a little over with it since i know i've suddenly started eating less than i probably normally would and that might be harsh for the flesh...

I do believe that flesh has it's own memories of being hungry, it must be traumatic. Maybe i'll have some more. screws up the protocol a bit but i'm not too mad.

...

Yeah my bitch ass destroyed some 4000kcal of junk today. Just kinda proves that i absolutely can and that i seem to lack feeling 'full' like a normal person. -And that need to clean up my fucking diet, like, seriously bc this wouln't be like as bad of a thing if that was 4000kcal worth of proper food and not fucking nachos or whatever.

Saw an old school friend and we went to get groceries together while waiting for her bus. For some reason she needed a pregnancy test and i managed to find them for her, didn't know they had freaking +18 toys there as well. Ouch, my virgin eyes.

It's so weird to think that people my age have sex, like it's appropriate and none of my business really. Or relationships too. Just so diffirent than my life.

She's about to graduate as well.

Gonna have a freaking job, probably.

Like an actual job...

I'm happy for her, she's still nice to me, even though i'm a complete loser in comparison to,,, literally anyone.

Crazy that she recognizes me still....

I got weak and went to a second hand shop and found some things. (spent about 20€)

And i gotta abuse the redbull discounts so i did that. and got some other stuff as well.

I gotta like try and make the rest of the week with the cash i have in my wallet bc god damned i need to get a hold of my spending.

So I'm back home now. i feel ok. Not gonna be mad if i eat some more today, i think the flesh needs it...

I kinda fucking like how everything hurts though. And i'm wearing this white, bloody t shirt i found on the ground years back,,, sometimes it sits well on the chest and i'll have to stop and stare at it in from the mirror for a moment, because holy shit.

i fucking luv it.

Walked with my studio guy for a bit, happen to meet up on the street. Dude almost drank himself to death last weekend and was revived. I try to be real but i don't know how i come off, selfish probably. I kinda wanna give him my drugs but that's about the only way i feel like i can try to help people. I don't know how to listen or more like how to be a sponge for the bad feelings. I genuinely hope he's about as comfortable around me, like i trust him to know about me doing drugs to keep myself here. He seem cool w it.

I hope we can get along well. I know we both got preblems, diffirent kind though.

Who's there who couldn't be better with a friend in this world..

Talked and walked w him a bit, seperated at my drop off point, he went home to get his scooter and i saw him driving around with it later, didn't talk to him again tho. We're supposed to meet at the studio tomorrow, not sure what for. I might pack up my machine, just in case.

I give the commissioned piece for my middle-man (lady) and yap with this other lady for another few hours, as well as get two more commissions from her. Means a couple more hours of work for another few €, no hurry tho.

Then i go pick up my glasses from the optic's and pay the other half of the price that's basically as much as my rent, which i still haven't paid since the fucking bill with the information is nowhere to be seen...

Glad i got some cash from the atm in the morning after the psychiatry thing. (I went to got some snacks to have at rehab and didn't end up eating any so i'm kinda just having them now.)

Spent maybe a bit much, i have to look at my receits in a bit, i'm impulsive w spending when tired for sureeee.

Got whatever this pre-workout stuff is? IF IT GOT CAFFEINE IN IT, I GOTTA TRY IT LMAO. SHADY POWDER. Accidentally a fucking *pancake mix*, i thought that was a small bag of protein powder, like i never had those before and now i was like 'oh that one doesn't cost 827361662€ i could try some, vanilla, yes please.

AND I FUCKING HAT3 THIS BRAND NOW BC IT'S THE SAME ONE AS THE ICE CREAM THAT I READ THE TEXTS OF ALL WRONG. MY GOD. THANK FUCK I GOT GLASSES NOW BUT THAT MIGHT NOT HELP ME W NOT BEING ABLE TO FUCKING READ???

So i guess i'll have pancakes someday.

It might be nice. (if pancakes would be nice with these certain kind of memories attached..)

Idk, i feel kinda ashamed for looking at/ buying, even being interested in any of this 'sports nutrition' stuff. Not even kinda, like kinda a lot of shame. Not sure why.

and they had some chocolate moulds so i got like 3 diffirent ones, they were like 1€ for one, so a pretty nice deal for someone who's obsessed with moulds and cookie cutters.

Sandwich club being the 'thank fuck these people exist' kinda chaos it always is when we got the whole squad. Leaving the supervisor traumatized, or at least concerned for our wellbeing. We made a pie and i told them i'd rather take some leftovers home and that i would bring the box back the next time, that i would fall asleep or at least feel horrid if i ate and then had to walk home since i was running on a redbull and my vitamines all day.

The usual: afterwards we go to a grocery store and i walk both of the pals home and chatted a longwhile with the one i haven't seen in a while. Then walk home.

Take a shower.

Eat the pie. It was pretty good, says a hungry person. Eating some of the lunch snacks as well. Probably a lot of calories but i'm not too concerned.

I fasted for 26 hours. Walked a fair bit too.

Surprised that i didn't feel any worse than that grumpy few hours in the morning. Surprised that it was that easy too. Nobody questioned me at rehab and the club lady was a little "you're not gonna eat any of it??". But let me took some home. I'll tell her it wasn't even that bad, i didn't mind the onion being a bit crunchy, and i thought it had enough salt. I'll also say i fell asleep shortly after, just as expected. Even if that won't happen. At least half of that would be true.

Can't waste free food, especially if you asked for it. That would be kinda,,,bad...

So now what, uhh...

I feel cold. and tired. and better about seeing all the crazy mfs. will probably lose my voice a bit tomorrow, i've talked for hours.

I was telling the pals about this whole 'possible ed relapse thing' one wish they got some thing like that as well and i told them i don't wish actual anorexia on anyone, that's a hell of it's own kind. Told em it's more about an attempt at coping and feeling so god awful shit in my body, i simply can't not-do anything about it for any longer. It can go down the same road as the first time, which i kinda don't want it to,,,, i'm too fond of my muscles and don't want to lose them now that i got some. And i might put way too much emphasis on that but i'm genuinely, so unhappy about my life and state right now, that having a single thing you can be even a little proud of, get's all of it. And i'm just little twisted in the head about all of it.

I found this outdoors-gym thing in the forest and yeah, i hope i'll be visiting tere more often, there's like a machine for a similar type of motion that a pull-up would be, and an actual bar for that. A few other things too but i was mainly interested in these now. AND NO PEOPLE. ONE person was walking on the trail i was driving, and there is a busy road in line of sight but relatively private.

I consider that place my playground now, for until the fucking mosquito season comes around again. My god i fucking hate it, it's like you're running away from them instead of driving a fucking bike in the summer.

I fucking hate summers..

But i'll do my best to enjoy the cooler weather while it lasts. I do like the current weather and temperatures a *lot*.

Yeah, did that, i found it odd how i only had just under 1000 kcal today but somehow didn't really feel too much like ass while out there. Ofc my bike feels brand new since my dad fixed the breaks for me and it's so light to drive now...

I'm kinda hoping i'm adapting to this whole eating- no eating thing. Like i don't feel too bad when i don't, for a while. Just kinda weird and i think the first thing that will be shutting off is thermal generation and man, i hate cold too, not when it's cold outside, WHEN I'M COLD.

Would... driving around for about one hour and a quater, in a hoodie and wrecking yourself by falling from a pole in about 5°C...

be considered cold training? (that's kinda punny.) Cold exposure..

Well i mean, i don't care, i would. I need me some of that bc FUCK being cold. I need to get back on my bullshit...

All and all i'mma be riding the endorphin hit to sleep, hopefully. I got a fucking psychologist appointment at 8 fucking 30 in the morning and my ass hasn't been sleeping too early as of late. Saying up till 4-5 in the morning. Bad habit, shame. on. me.

Kinda curious how that'll go though. They're probably give me anxiety about mind readin abilities and stuff. Idk if i can like, keep composure at all if i'm nervous *and* tired.

But maybe they'll find new things wrong with me. I DUNNO. WILL SEE.

fasted 21h.... It's honestly easier than i though, probably because i slept all day again...

I beat the shit out of this broken chair i had when moving and i decided to get rid of it because i wasn't going to fix it and i have enough chairs allready, so i got to smack the thing around to turn it into smaller pieces and that was a lot of fun, thank god i didn't break anything else in the process, i could have hit a car, oof. I hope my neighbors saw that though,,, i think they kinda looked at me weird. I wonder what they think of me... as long as we don't have an unspoken war with the neighbors, i'm not too worried, but how often do you see the short kid break furniture at the parking lot? Anyway. The goal in this regard: to get 10 or more reps of this hybrid movement on both hands w 10kg. I don't really get sore, at least from this. Ijust feel tired, specifically in the arms now, it such a strange feeling, i like it though. Makes me feel like i did something right. And that it's ok for me to rest today, and i gotta think about the well-being of the flesh... it's uhh-(a whole diffirent story) Didn't really sleep that much last night (about 4 or 5 h) so that could also cause feeling tired. Though i feel tired regardless of how much i sleep. it's so annoying but supposed you can get used to anything.