abusus non tollit usum

not right now. 

it’s nothing to do with it itself, it’s because of a personal issue. 

i’m going to poland on friday. 

and i will see him. 

kiss.

My desire for LAB was to use it as a way to open up. To do things I normally would not do for various reasons; fear, lack of time, thinking its not important… Basically a lot of reasons. It was (still is) my playground. I started out thinking too much about all the people that will read my tumblr. I cared a lot to make it look nice, put something interesting in it. Thought more about the person/people who would read it and how would they react to it, then myself.

Then there was a shift. I changed. I started posting anything and everything that came to my mind. I started calling it my dump. Or a place where I almost vomit out thoughts, ideas, anything. There was little coherence in it. A visceral language came up. I guess, everything was just really intuitive… I liked that I let go of many things. I posted whatever I thought about. Played around with language. With drawing. With automatic writing. With ceramics, plastics, even went to metal. Worked with bugs and did edible stuff I’ve never done before. Also a few other things outside of LAB happened. I cook more, and without any recipes, I just see what I have and I mix it to make something. I started doing things I stopped, like making cosmetics and reading + writing.

I think, in one phrase - LAB has opened me up. I also see it in my department work, I did what I wanted. I listen to others, but then really try to do something that I want to do, or that works with me, otherwise it really doesn’t work.

In terms of LAB, I think I tried to get out of my comfort zone, the biggest difference I see is that I went to the workshops, it was difficult with the allergies, I cannot deny that, but it was also fun, and reminded me of why I love it. Why I chose this path, why I chose this school. Playing around in LAB also made me play around more with other things. Also with allowing them to flow more.

I think I tried, and I think to a large extent I did succeed to develop a lot this trimester. However, there is still a long way to go. I want to continue with this spirit of LAB, whatever it is. I’m hoping, that what I can improve on is the honesty. The honesty that comes from being straight to the point. I am like that often, but somehow not in writing for example. Perhaps its because I enjoy it so much?

I like that LAB makes me feel like I can just write as if it was a record of something. A thought process. A freedom. I think that’s amazing.

In terms of the collaboration. The same thing can be said - freedom. Manuel and I, we worked on quite similar things this past trimester. And I like that we both have similar ideas about various subjects, being a designer, walking, passing time, movement, intuitiveness. Hmm… I do enjoy working with him. I like that there is not much pressure placed on doing the best project ever (impossible), but more on the process, getting to know one another, and just having fun with what we will do. I think we both learned how to follow our gut :) more this trimester and to be more free. The confines within which we often keep ourselves, because of being quite analytical in our desire to already know what to do, are weakening.

I’m actually stunned with what Manuel wrote about me. His first points were that I am decisive and active. “You do a lot, seem to know what you want and you go after it, which I completely admire. It’s nice to see that you are on your way of achieving what you want. Not many people are able to do that. Your focus is set and you're open to new ideas. You are not afraid to say what you think and by that have a strong character. What I also admire is your ambition outside of school, how you create connections and are or seem at least to be self assured in your way of moving and talking.” I agree with him saying that I do a lot, that I am open to new ideas, that I am not afraid and have a strong character. I agree with all of that just… not at the DAE… Here, I often feel far more as someone who is weak, easily influenced, doesn’t have a strong voice or presence, not very interesting, fearful. Perhaps, something has changed, I do feel as if the me outside of school, where I do so much, am so open and strong in getting to know new people, opening up, doing things, trying things out, maybe FINALLY, this me is getting into the DAE as well. Perhaps, it’s due to two biggest factors - time and well, LAB. Deciding what I do and what I work on gave me a lot this trimester.

As for my weakness, I cannot argue with anything - “you have some difficulties in loosening up, being very silly and not do something with an outcome or a goal.” I definitely agree that I keep myself in a frame. A very strict guidebook of what I can do or should not do. I find reasons (sometimes absurd ones) for why I cannot do something, even if others can and I admire them for it. I realised, and still keep on realising, that a lot of the things that I think I should or cannot do is from Poland. It’s a place that is connected in my mind to so many rules and so many restrictions. About different subjects. People look at you and judge you all the bloody time. If you are looking too good, they don’t like you, if you are not looking “normal” enough (whatever that is) that is also not good. Really, barely anything is truly good. My time in Holland and at the DAE has opened me up in so many ways. SO many experiences, things I learned, did, suffered and enjoyed. I don’t feel like writing it out to be honest. It makes my heart hurt a bit, after all, it is the country I grew up in. But there are so many problems in it. So many limitations. So many restrictions. Now, every time I come back, be it a month, a few weeks, a year, I am different, I am more open. I am also more myself. I disagree, I speak my mind, I’m not afraid to be different. But I also understand where they are coming from. As long as they don’t force me to be like them, I’m okay. If not, all hell breaks loose. I shouldn’t drift off into this - it reminds me of the fact I’m not really looking forward to going home. I don’t feel as free as I do here. And I don’t mean - let’s party - I mean free in terms of freedom of choice, speech, representation of self. The things that should be our basic rights.

I want to finish this. What am I most proud of this trimester? Why? Anything you’re not proud of? Hmm. Proud? I’m proud of pushing myself to do stuff and trying new things. I’m hella proud of somehow becoming more together with my DAE self and non-DAE self. Of accepting more things about myself. Of being able to be myself. Of being able to be ok and not okay. Of just being without judging. It’s really simply f*****g liberating. In terms of LABblablab? Opening up. Trying new stuff. Definitely. What am I not proud of? Perhaps I’d like to have a 3D object in the end of the trimester, that emerged from my findings this trimester or rather my doings ;) However, it is far more likely dear A and P, that you will get a book. Because what I missed and wanted to do so much all along was that. SO perhaps, like my intuition, desire and everything else says, that’s what I will have? But hey, I’ve still got some time. Perhaps, I’ll surprise you and (perhaps most importantly) myself.

What needs to change in LAB? Schedule group meetings from the start, so we know how to plan. When we need to try and collaborate with someone, perhaps it would be nice if everyone knows they need to pick one word from what they’ve been doing and then say it to everyone. Based on this, we know what everyone is kind of doing and “aim better” for who to collaborate with? Like the freedom, don’t change that. Ever. Let them drown, sink and then float up. Maybe more little, two week collabs? They are fun and cute, when they work.

7. What are you missing in the academy in general? A red carpet.

More open attitude towards problems within the academy.

Hmm, I thought I wrote more…

i think it’s the first day in a very long time, when i can actually do something just because i want to do it

so i went to find some gifts for my family

honestly, did not expect that to be the first thing i do in my first (almost) free day

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passed my department by the way. couldn’t be happier.

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oh, and don’t know if i should post it here or not - but i finally see a shift in my attitude towards, and my work itself - i’m starting to listen to myself more, to do what i want, i guess i’m starting to … work intuitively 

and guess what - it’s working

there are too many things going on in our lives. we tend to be uncertain, to think that there is only one future. the longer i live, the more i am sure that, anything can happen, and there are many futures. each as likely as the other. 

i know that when a future written down by a writer becomes to come true, some may think that authors of fiction have prophetic abilities. nothing of this sort. writers are often quite well educated, they read constantly, they can find conclusions. thats it.

New Collab --> Intuition 

Why talk and sit when you can walk

 Begin with a derive - our stops - 

Amazing Oriental, 

Goats and Chickens, 

End Of The Road

Monument Church-Craft Space-Abandonded House Place & a Woman With A Story, 

Basic-Fit Gym,

DAE.

 Hot picks - 

Coconut Water

Sichuan Pepper

Design is giving or showing a part of yourself away. For people. To people. To share. To enjoy. 

Manuel is trying to speak goat. Made a friend. Very social.

Almost got there, interrupted stop.

Might join a gym in the future.

Food is good. Cooking is fun.

Lifestyles.

 How to join two roads? Find the common and the desired. 

 Imagine

 Create

An exploration of movement, of breaking out of your comfort zone, of sharing, of food.