This is the kind of post that will make anyone just here for fandom stories unfollow without a question. The kind of post I write while itâs late at night and Iâm sleep deprived, and it feels like a good idea. The kind of post filled with things I only ever write, and never speak about out loud to anyone. The kind of post I always quickly regret and erase, because I sound silly and pathetic.Â
The kind of post I write in a moment where my mind seem clear, when it feels cathartic to write it, and then when Iâll truly get back to my senses, Iâll be like : âFuck, why did I tell that to ANYONE ? Especially on my tumblr blog where I usually write about Batman or any other fandom I enjoy and no one really knows me like, what the fuckâŚWhy ? Theyâll hate me now, for sure.â
Yet, here we are. I posted this.Â
Anxiety is getting the best of me, and writing about it gives me a leg to kick it in the nuts. In my mind, Anxiety has my dadâs face. I really wish I could kick him in the nuts, thatâs why. In fact, I wish I could go back in time, and kick him hard enough in the nuts that Iâd never be born, know what I mean ? Ah, but then if I went back in time to do this, I wouldnât exist in the first place to do it, and therefor Iâd still be here, writing this, as if nothing happened. I guess I still have the thought that maybe, once, I travelled back in time to before I was born, and I kicked my dad so hard in the nuts that I erased my own existence.Â
Unlike my dad though, Anxiety is always around. And has been around for most of my life now.Â
Every small decision feels like it has life or death consequences. Thatâs what anxiety is, for me.Â
I âworryâ. Constantly.Â
About everything. Overthinking to the point nothing makes sense anymore.
Like, for example : âWhat if the people who say they care about me, they love meâŚdonât ? The people who say they are my friends, donât actually think it ? What if everyone is just better off without me ? What ifâŚâÂ
I think that often, and it comes out of nowhere. I donât understand it myself. Why do I think that ? Nobody in my life gives me any reasons to think that. I just do. Iâve always been quite a solitary person. I like being alone. I do. And I donât have a lot of friends, or people in my life. So the few I let in, I truly care about them. And then comes the sudden and often irrational fear thatâŚThey donât care. Theyâre lying. How could anyone possibly care about me anyway ? Iâm terrible ? Why am I terrible ? Well, because I think people whoâve always been good to me are lying, and donât actually care about meâŚItâs a vicious circle.Â
As a result : I push people to their limits, as in : I push them away so hard they donât want to talk to me anymore. I want to trust again, I want to know whatâs wrong with me, how to fix it.Â
How can I be so self-aware of this thing happening, yet not being able to control it ?! To not have those thoughts ? To not let anxiety get the best of me ?
I donât want to push people away and I want to believe them when they say weâre friends, when they say they care about meâŚBut thereâs a voice in my head, my dadâs voice, constantly nagging me.
âNobody could possibly love you, of courseâ, it says. It tells me all the thing Iâm insecure about, it knows where to hit. Anxiety builds and builds and all of a sudden, I worry about what people think of me. What they truly think of me.Â
Itâs an example, out of all the things that make me feel like Iâm fighting an already lost battle. Just an example of this never-ending overthinking process. Sometimes, I get suddenly anxious over what fruit I want to buy. Like I said, every small decision feels like it has massive consequencesâŚ
I guess I chose this particular example though, about the people I love and care about, and how anxiety makes me feel like they just donât return those feelings (how could they ?), because itâs the one that is making me self-sabotaging my own life the most. Driving people away from me by being too much. Knowing I am being too much. Or sometimes, not even knowing.Â
I get angry, or sad, or have freak outs. Nothing that makes people want to be around me, of course. And I know it, and so let it happen. Why ? I donât even know. I guess itâs best for them to not get burdened with whatever pain I feel, because it should be just my weight.
And then, after I pushed everyone hard enough, I end up alone.Â
Lonely. Because I pushed everyone, I tire them outâŚfriendsâŚ
Writing this sort of things, and posting it on the internet, on a blog where I just write fanfictions and am here to enjoy things. Where people who follow, follow me for the content, not for whatever identity crisis Iâm going through.Â
Feeling like nobody loves me, while rationally, I guess at least my mom does, right ? HahahaâŚFeeling I donât matter. To anyone, or just in general.Â
Riddled with anxiety, insecurities and hurt.
Not by choice this time. Not because I wanna be alone, cause I like leading a solitary life with chosen social interactions. Nope.Â
Because I keep pushing people away. Because I canât control those freak outs , because after a whileâŚI guess talking to people like me is just âmentally taxingâ. And I understand it. I truly do. Thatâs why I push people awayâŚDo you see the twisted logic ? I freak out because I think people donât care, while actively pushing them away becauseâŚbecauseâŚ
I donât want to bother anyone. I donât want to hurt anyone. I justâŚÂ
Writing is good. It puts some things in perspective and help me sort of understand. I donât know whatâs wrong with me, I wish I did. So I could fix it, and stop being awful. So I could make more sense too. But at least when I write it down, it feels more real. I feel real. And not like Iâm just a ghost that people can see.Â
Iâm tired of this constant state of Anxiety.
And âOverthinkingnessâ.
I try. I swear I try not to be like that. I promise. I really, really try. I donât talk about whatâs wrong with me, what makes me sad or feel like Iâm a ghost (oh yes because just anxiety wouldnât be fun, it has to be paired with depression), I try to shut upâŚAnd then I have a freak out and push everyone away with it. But I try. I try so hardâŚÂ
Itâs just so out of control. And I donât think I can take it much longer⌠Â
âWouldnât it be better if you were out of everyoneâs way for good ?â
yousharknotpass
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