find me where the wild things are

He’d thought it was bad before. Oh, he’d thought it was bad before, with the darkness and the crumbling walls.

He’d t h o u g h t.

This? This was so much w o r s e.

He could reach out and touch the fallen wall with his foot and still have his back to the wall behind him. His hands were shaking, and it was obvious that his breath was coming out raggedly, heavy, like knives were scraping up the insides of his lungs. 

He was going to die he was going to die hewasgoingtodiehewasgoingtodiehewasgoingtodie.

Jude closed his eyes tightly, a high-pitched whining noise escaping him without his permission. He couldn’t control it, couldn’t control the trembles wracking his body. It was all too c l o s e. He couldn’t b r e a t h e.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, what are we going to do, what are we doing to do?!”

After what felt like an eternity they had finally managed to get Spencer out from under the rubble. They had set her against a wall, at least Spencer thought it was a wall, it could’ve been some more pieces of the fallen building. Someone gave her a piece of cloth, told her to apply pressure to the wound on her forehead. Search and rescue is coming, she reminded herself. The room was dark, with bits and pieces illuminated by those with their phones and the ones smart enough to carry flashlights with them. 

❝After we get out of here, drinks are on me…❞ she said to the room. 

“Pretty sure you getting me a drink is illegal,” Jude said, a small smile curling across his lips. He was trying to comfort the woman if he could, and he looked up at her, his flashlight directed a little ways away from her face. He let out a quick breath, and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Not that I would turn down a drink, illegal or not. After this, I think I’d deserve it.”

“I just survived an earthquake, pardon me for pushing that fact to the back of my mind.” He spat the words and shrugged his jacket back on when it was shoved into this arms. “And who the hell gave you the right to put words into my mouth? I was genuinely interested in you, I was interested in you when you came in and I thought you were just another spoiled senator’s kid. But then-I heard you, talking, today-” His chest ached, like someone had broken every one of his rib bones, and he felt anger light up in his chest like a gas fire. “And it was like-it was like every light in my body came on at once. Like-how could the universe allow one person to be so incredibly bright when there isn’t any reason to be. But whatever, it doesn’t matter, I’d rather find out that you’re hideously distrusting now rather than later and get my heart broken yet again. So thanks.” He clenched his jaw tightly and took a sharp inhale, curling in on himself. 

This is what you get, his head supplied helpfully. Someone like that? You’ve been kidding yourself the whole time. He would take one look at who you really were, and he would leave you in the dust like everyone else. He got to his feet, ignoring the way the pain shot up through his injured leg. It didn’t matter, the pain was a reminder that he was barely even human, just some ugly violent creature with sharp edges and a hear that just wouldn’t die, and he should have never tried to believe otherwise.

He limped over to where there was a pile of broken ceiling pieces blocking the door, and tried to pry some of them loose. He was going to get out of here and he was going back to his life, his safe life that he had put his entire being into building. He managed to get one loose, but his ankle started to buckle and he fell to the floor with an angry grunt. “Great,” he hissed out under his breath, rubbing at his eyes. “Fantastic.” 

The fire in Asher’s eyes, in his words, made Jude feel c o l d. Asher wasn’t... Oh no. Jude held his chin up high though, and turned himself away, walking quickly away from Asher. He slumped down behind a statue that was still standing, hiding his face in his hands, letting the shame wash over him. He’d jumped down Asher’s throat for absolutely no reason, because he was s c a r e d. He was scared of what had happened before and he’d put Ian in Asher’s place, saw his face instead of Asher’s. Jude closed his eyes tightly.

Like how could the universe allow one person to be so incredibly bright when there isn’t any reason to be?

Jude bit down on his knuckle, and stood, shifting closer to a wall, next to an unfamiliar face, and let out a heavy sigh. What had he done?

He tried to steel his insides when Jude’s fingers touched his skin, he really did, but his heart tried to leap into his throat and he felt heat rise up in his cheeks. It was really annoying to have tried to shut down this part of himself, to keep his heart from leaping every time a boy with pretty eyes and a mean streak batted his eyelashes at him, and discover that a boy with delicate cheekbones and soft eyes could still make him feel like he was sixteen. He saw the boy’s gaze fall to the floor and the marble pieces scattered around them, and he felt his stomach tighten when he started dismissing all the things that Asher had said. 

“You are brilliant though, and I’m not even saying it just to flirt with you.” He said gently, pushing his bottom lip through his teeth. “You took everything I said to you and correctly pointed out that I felt the need to get my orientation out in the open because of what I did. You saw I was injured and you thought of what you could do to help me, not how badly you were panicking.” He smiled and wanted to slap himself just a little bit for the way that his eyes softened at the corners. He was smarter than this, he really was. “Screw that higher education classist view of what intelligent means.” 

He mentioned Evenfall, and after the initial feeling of being punched in the stomach that he associated with work, it clicked in his brain. “I know you!” He gasped, a wide grin enveloping his face. “You came in with Senator O’Shea. I served you! Y’know usually senators are terrible to serve and we have to draw straws, but I’m glad that I lost. You guys were excellent tippers. I should thank you for the week’s worth of coffee that bought me.” 

I know you. I k n o w you. I know you. Senator O’Shea. I served you. I s e r v e d you.

Oh no.

Oh no no. 

Oh no nonononononononono.

Not again. Please no, not again.

Jude was stock still, jaw tight, slender fingers curling into tight fists. His knuckles were white. Why the hell did he ever think that a boy could be flirting with him because he w a n t e d to? Why was he such a goddamned i d i o t? Jude lifted his eyes to Asher’s face, trying to control the emotions rising in his chest, the fucking hurt. He’d thought... Asher had seemed so genuine. Jude drew in a sharp breath, and then started to shrug out of the stupid jacket, shoving it back at Asher without a second glance. His eyes were pricking, and no, goddammit n o, he would not cry! 

“Did you really think I’d believe that? You just- You just casually remembering you served us?” Jude’s jaw clenched, and he shoved down the feelings that m a y b e it wasn’t a lie, Asher’s jaw had seemed so familiar, and those eyes- “I can’t fucking believe this. I thought maybe you were actually flirting with me, I thought you were being genuine, and now- Really? Just, really? Why me? Why do you people keep targeting me? I’m not going to give you my dad’s political secrets, I’m not going to give you anything. I can’t believe this, I can’t believe you guys came after me again.” His throat was growing tight, the tears were pricking h a r d e r, his eyes b u r n e d. “Go away, get the hell away from me, take your stupid jacket and your compliments and your smile and just- Leave me the hell alone! Leave me alone, leave my dad alone- Get the hell away!” Jude stood, jerking his knee away from Asher’s warm touch, and felt the first tear slip down his cheek.

“You’re brilliant.” He lit up when Jude started talking about the different aspects of sexuality, and was unashamed of the way that it made the butterflies in his stomach multiply by what felt like thousands. “People come to see a boxing match and they assume certain things y’know? Like there can’t be anything in this world more heterosexual than throwing a punch or something. So I like to get it out of the way, so there’s no leading anyone on or I can get out of a situation that isn’t safe.” He grinned and licked his lips, tapping his fingers where they were still rested on Jude’s knee. “A lot of the foster homes I was raised in weren’t okay with it, and tried to get me to change that part of myself or admit that I was wrong about it? So over the years there’s been a lot of shame about it, and saying it out loud counteracts that. Plus, I’m trying to keep you interested for sure.” 

He watched Jude’s eyes as he spoke, the way that the harsh glow of the flashlight reflected in them looked like a light underwater. They differed between shades of blue he was noticing, when he was excited they were like the sky before sunset, bright with the soft haze of darkness around the edges. When he was scared they were dark, the sky before the first crack of lightning in a storm. It was thrilling to watch. “I think you would be pretty hard to forget,” He teased when he finally spoke again, after what felt like an eternity of looking. “You’re smart, you’ve got that smile that I just know I’m going to do stupid things to see, and you gave me a bandaid after an earthquake.” 

“Brilliant?” Jude snorted, and reached out, pressing thin fingertips to the side of Asher’s head. “Hold still, there’s got to be a knot somewhere because now I know you got concussed.” His tone was joking, but it was obvious that he didn’t believe what Asher was saying. He wasn’t brilliant. He just liked to read, and the stuff he was studying was interesting. It was something that mattered in the world today, and he wanted to change the world. He was just one person, but he could make a difference. Jude’s eyes flickered down to Asher’s hand where it rested on his knee. He’d almost completely forgotten it was sitting there. The warmth was familiar and comfortable. Oh no. Oh no. “You should always be proud of who you are,” Jude murmured, his words contradictory to what he’d been saying only moments before about himself. “Who you love shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed of. It’s not something you can h e l p.”

Jude could feel his cheeks starting to flush, and he ducked his head down, eyes cutting to the pieces of statue at their feet. He nudged one with the toe of his shoe, hands rubbing over his thighs, encased as they were in a pair of slim white jeans. They were dusty and almost gray, after everything that had happened. “No need to do stupid things. It’s not that great of a smile. And you needed a bandaid, I had one. Not like I’m some sort of bandaid angel.” Jude snorted again, shaking his head, as if Asher was just too ridiculous to comprehend. Ian had been openly flirty, warm and playful just like this. He’d coaxed Jude into his bed and then he’d just... Jude rubbed his dusty hand through his hair, coughing at the dust that rose up from the curls in turn. “When we get out of here, I’m making my dad take me to Evenfall. I deserve their creamy carbonara after all this.”