Honeybee

"Look out at the world and all of its brokenness. Death is not occasional in this vast landscape. Pain is not scarce. Hatred does not hide its face. At night, I look up at the sky and cry to whoever might listen, please persuade me not to sink into indifference. Please take this despair and hand me something different. And someone responds, and that someone might be me. But no matter, there is a voice that speaks, you don't have to prove your goodness by becoming your grief. There is no sanctity in suffering for the sake of proving you care. And I know it takes more courage to hope than it does to despair, but hope returns as much as it requires. What if, instead of sinking into the darkness, you begin setting fires? Striking matches in the places most full of dread. Begin small, begin somewhere. Fire has a tendency to spread. Place one foot forward, then the next, and watch the ground catch fire in the wake of your step."

"My roommate doesn't sleep. She would rather play tag with my heart or make it race to catch a finish line that doesn't exist. Because no one can keep up with my roommate. She's elusive and sly, she will keep you awake and she won't tell you why. My roommate is a thief. She doesn't steal money. She has no use for nickels and dimes. My roommate is only interested in taking my time. She keeps me paralyzed with all of these things I need to do, but she only lets me finish them right before they come due, so I sit with my roommate, while she plays with my heart, while she keeps me wide awake in the dark, while she tells me all the things to do but doesn't tell me how to start. Racing heart in my chest, in murder in my eyes, I hunger for a way to get her out of my sight, but you can't kill a roommate that lives in your mind.

"There are these monument moments, the ones that you never forget even though years have passed. Something I've noticed about these moments is that it's never the big things. It's the little things that we hold on to. I remember being ten years old and standing under streetlights in the snow, watching snowflakes dance. I remember drawing hearts on the window glass on rainy days. I recall specific sunrises where the sky stole my breath. I think that's why I get stuck on the little parts of loving you. The way you liked your coffee, and the inside jokes that still make me smile. I know exactly the way you smell, and the color of your shirt you slept in. I know for certain how it would feel to sink into your arms. Monument moments are all the things that made loving you special. But they are also all the things that make letting go so hard."

"You're probably going to fail at the things you are certain you are meant for at least 20 times. You're probably going to get your heart broken at least three more times before you find someone who sticks around. You're probably going to find a hole in your favorite t-shirt today. It's probably going to rain on your outdoor wedding, and I think that you might spill your coffee on the way to work. I'm pretty sure that you're going to lock your keys in your car, which is fine because you probably would have gotten a flat tire anyway. Something I've learned about life is sometimes pessimism is refreshing. I think sometimes we try to refute reality with optimism. I refuse to set you up for the expectation that every step will be a success or every love will last, because that's not the way things fall. Life is messy, and we have to learn to embrace today, whatever it may bring."

"What we often don't realize is that sometimes our greatest line of defense traps our sadness inside. It's like putting on a raincoat in a hurricane. It may help at first, but eventually the storm leaks into your coat and drips into your rain boots, and soon you're just as soggy on the inside as you are on the surface. Sometimes the walls we build turn into dams, filling up with all these feelings we refuse to share. It is important to remember, that which keeps others out also keeps you trapped inside. It's good to be cautious with your vulnerability, but eventually the raincoat has to come off. The walls have to come down. You have to empty out the boots once you're safe inside. You have to take off the wet raincoat if you ever want to be dry."

"Before you do it, let me at least tell you what it will be like on the other side. Let me tell you what it will look like if you stay. If you stay, there will come a time when you look at yourself and you realize how incredibly strong you are. Every eternal night that you dragged yourself through, it may have been dark, but you kept walking. To fight against yourself, to not quit when your mind is your own enemy, that is the bravest of battles. That is resilience. Everyone likes to tell you it's better on the other side, but they don't tell you why. It will be light on the other side because you will find that you are stronger than your mind. And that if you can drag yourself away from your own darkness, nothing in the world can ever consume you. You will learn that this pain might not feel worth it, but you are. You will prove to yourself that you are something worth fighting for, and if one day you can believe that, no one can take that away. I promise that one day you will look in the mirror and thank yourself that you stayed."

"The past is a room with no windows or doors, and fingernail scratches along the walls. I've been here for longer than I'd like to admit, and there are splinters buried under my nails. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness. I've made a bed for myself on the floor, and truth be told, I'm not sure I'd leave if there was a door. Because the only thing more frightening than being trapped all my life is facing the person that I'd meet if I were to step outside. Without these four walls, I have no face, no identity. Without the pain of my past, I'm not sure who I'd be."

Made a little Fox- plushie