Where my thoughts run wild

I never did know when to give up

My blood pure stubbornness

Bull-headed, mule-hearted

Cursed to look common sense

Dead in the eye.

And spit in its face.

Blessed with the strength to push through

To bluff, lie, bluster, and leverage

When the deck was stacked against me.

A divine coin flip decides between the two.

The universe may reward me for my determination.

It may punish me for my stupidity.

My chances are always the same

And the gamble my addiction.

Roll the dice to see what's next,

Maybe I'll get the chance to vex

The whims of fate that put me here

And find in life what I hold dear.

Glad to die on any hill

So long as I think I may still

Achieve a win through force of will

And have enough to foot the bill

For the piper when he comes

Tallying the countless sums

Beating on the ruthless drums

That herald my demise.

But when I look into your eyes

I see no limits, only skies

That stretch beyond hope that dies

And overcome the cruelest lies

So flip the coin and roll the dice

Play the hand and pay the price

I'll do it all and do it twice

To win what I am owed.

The odds may not be in my favor

But I know that I may savor

The everlasting, joyous flavor

Of a winning hand for once.

My blood is but pure stubbornness

Bull-headed to win your caress

Mule-hearted as a curse unless

I lock eyes with common sense

I go all in and play my hand

It’s been some time

Since your face last swam

Through my head in my sleep.

But it did again last night.

A sign? Maybe

A taunt? Likely

An effect of you consuming my thoughts during all my waking hours?

Most assuredly.

And yet I can’t help but hope.

Hope that it’s a sign you may

Come back soon, speak to me again.

A sign that all my waiting and

Hoping and dreaming and lamenting

Was not done in vain.

Each day is another swim through

The hellish agony of life without you.

I don’t believe in a soulmate.

I don’t believe in twin flames.

Or at least

I didn’t.

Until I met you.

Until you set my soul ablaze.

Until I knew what it was

To be with someone who met my pace

Matched my step

Kept my stride

Connected all the right wires

Made me feel alive.

Made me feel myself.

Openly myself, unashamedly myself.

Happy with myself.

Happy with you.

Happy at all.

Where do I go from here?

How can I continue a life

Where my soul feels split?

My heart empty. My mind muddled.

I thought I had the answers

I told myself I did.

But then, when have you done

Anything that my heart bid?

Stubborn and defiant,

In every way a brat…

But in the end, all I’ve done

Is name reasons that I love you.

I could name a thousand more

And double it.

I guess that’s just the trouble with

Love.

You can’t control it.

It takes no prisoners.

It doesn’t go away.

It doesn’t matter what I do

I swear I won’t give up on you

I won’t let go of you

I won’t get mad at you

I swear to you

I’ll see this through

And in the end

Be here for you

I’ll take this to

Its final point

As far as it can go

And then gods willing

One distant day

You will come to know

That nothing else could be more right

Than you and I together.

That simple truth will make me fight

And push through any weather.

Come back strong

Don’t take too long

But even if you do

I know I’ll say

We’ll be okay

Statistic

My thoughts suicidal

Self-hatred unbridled

And every day a tidal

Wave threatens my survival

Despite my best attempts

To keep myself afloat

I find that it’s me

Punching holes in my boat

My own worst enemy

Self-sabotage savant

Any chastising

Little more than a taunt

Like pissing in the wind

And it hits you in the face

Desires and dreams

Lifelong goals erased

And instead of a fight

Where I win a title

I’m stuck in place

I let my engine idle

I’m riled, a child

Can’t force a smile

When I die I’ll

Be filed away as one

The initial knife-twist from the stab

In your gut as your wrist falls limp from

The words you just heard and your phone

Hits the ground with an echoing crack while

You fail to call forward the voice that you lack

blood flows searing hot

In a sickening swoop and like fresh

Raindrops on a mid-July roof

It signals the coming of something

Much bigger, the explosion that comes

When you pull the trigger the hammer

Flies forward smashes the nail of

Your thumb and you spit out a curse

As you fail to contain all the rage

You bottled inside turn the page on

The book of your friend that just died

Six lines ago one more with the boom

And you have to go get your things

From that room as you zoom in your

Car along 85 and remember the last time

You saw him alive had he shown to you

Then that he needed help or could you

Have known that he’d kill himself so

you scream at yourself

For not seeing the signs as you fly by

The exit and swerve through the lines

To make the next turn past Concord

To discord the dashboard is flashing

You’re smashing your fist on the

Wheel it’s all you can do not to let

Yourself feel all the guilt that you built

With sticks bricks and stone you know

It’s your fault you left him alone

To see to minutia of day to day

Life that thing that he hated

That made him feel jaded and then

With a flash it all dissipated the

Dick in the Chevy has just cut

You off you lay on your horn scream

So loud you cough there’s blood

On your hand but can it be real

Or is it your mind just starting to feel

Through all of the pain you don’t

Want to take in hope maybe you’ll

Die and see him again but the blood

Disappears and hope flies away too

Was that a red light that you just blew through?

It wasn’t. A sigh of relief.

And then gritted teeth.

Wonder if

Wonder why

Wonder when

We’re gonna die

Wonder this

Wonder that

Never quite

The diplomat

Always asking

Never telling

Never making peace

A breaking, spinning

Whirling torrent

That will never cease

I can’t help but

Doubt my gut

When every day

I’m in a rut

And I just want

To move along

But I was never

Quite that strong

Spinning wheels

Dig me deeper

Every day

The hill is steeper

Trying to

Outrun the reaper

Ever looming

Silent creeper

From my brain

And to my toes

Where it comes from

No one knows

Can’t stop the

Never ending flows

But on my face

The damage shows

It’s in my step

It’s in my spine

In my voice

When I say “fine”

And though I may

Be thrown a line

Won’t let them take

What’s only mine

Won’t share the load

Or spread the pain

To someone who

Has known the same

I cannot let them

See my shame

Instead I struggle

On in vain

And every day

My strength will wane

Until I don’t

Know my own name

Ending up

Deaf blind and lame

All to go

Against the grain.

All to win

A losing game.

I feel raw and ragged

My skin sensitive

Irritated at the slightest touch

My mind laid bare to its

Basic form, back to square one

But seeped in its own hellish unreality

All of its own making. All imaginary.

A ticking time bomb

Counting down the days, hours

Minutes, seconds. Down to the boom.

When self-sabotage turns to self destruction

Ready to set off at any moment

Implode. Explode. Fall in or fall out?

I take the pill to stave it off,

The dinghy against the storm.

But the bottle's almost empty.

Why is it every time I reach for something solid

It turns to smoke in my hands?

My fingers scrabble for a hand hold

Nails scraping dry earth, skin

Sanded down.

I'm running out of handholds.

I'm running out of options.