ᴊᴏy ʀɪᴅᴇ

“Say yes,” he whispered in return, one broad palm reaching forward to tilt her angular jawline upwards until their hesitant gazes met. “You belong home, Celia. With your town, with your family…. With me.” A frown etched its way between his brows momentarily as he narrowed the proximity separating their bodies. “I don’t know if it’s selfish to ask that of you, it probably is after what you just found out, but I don’t know if I’d survive your absence a second time.” Quinn felt utterly demanding for asking this of her, imploring an upheaval of the life she’d come to know in the city for the very possibility of a happy ending here. 

“It doesn’t have to mean anythin’ between us, I just– you were my best friend. Together or not, you were the closest thing I’d ever had to an honest, genuine friendship. I’d be a fuckin’ fool to let you walk away without knowin’ that.” His thumb circled her cheekbone for a moment before he allowed his hand to drop once more to his side. “You don’t have to answer today or even tomorrow. Just think it over, alright? No snap decision making, weight all the pros and cons, whatever you gotta do.”

With me.

For a moment, all she could do was to get lost in his eyes like she had many times before. A long time ago, it was the only thing she had wanted to spend her entire time doing. She knew that it was a big decision and logically she should’ve weigh the pros and cons, but it was logic that had gotten her into this mess in the first place. No matter how hard she tried, nothing would ever replace this home for another. She shook her head, hand tentatively reaching over to his so she could brush her fingertips against the back of his hand. Any bad memories were overshadowed by all the good, by her family and Quinn. Her need to escape had come from a place of hurt, but she wasn’t a teenager anymore. Truth be told, the ghosts from her past were by far easier to fight than the life she had built for herself in a city she never felt a sense of belonging to. “I don’t need to think it through. You’re right, this is my home and this is where I belong,” she paused for a second, brows knitting together, “there are no cons. I want my family and best friend back.”

“I forgive you,” he whispered in response to her apology, though the weight of the words felt so much heavier in light of his revelation. As though Quinn was simultaneously forgiving her for past transgressions as well: the agony she had caused him in the wake of her absence and the throbbing pain of being so close to her now without being capable of acting on it. Perhaps he would never fully recover from her betrayal, but progress was being made with every conversation and eventually he might regard their split as a dull ache easily ignored. They were only kids after all and no one died. The sins of a teenager could hardly be wielded against the good deeds of the adult. His attention returned to their surroundings and the situation he had been unwittingly thrust into: a chili contest with no entry on his part. “Then we need to convince her to. She has to win for all of us now.”

I never hated you. I’m not capable of hating you.

Quinn felt a combination of exhaustion and relief flood his veins in response to her words, a decade of anxiety lifting off his overburdened shoulders. “I don’t hate you either.” And he didn’t honestly, despite how much effort he had thrown into attempting to force the emotion upon himself after she left him. He simply couldn’t tar Celia with such a negative brush. “You were always better than them. Smarter, prettier, stronger. I used to think I’d spend the rest of my life provin’ that to you, like how they only ever tore you down because they felt threatened by everythin’ incredible about you. I thought one day we might have a daughter and you would eventually be so placated with yourself that you’d teach her to love what makes her different… And then I’d teach her how to love what makes her just like you.” 

A heavy pause hung between them as he mulled over whether it was too late to achieve just that, if he could still be that person for Celia. Even if she only desired him in a platonic role. “Don’t go back to the city. Stay here.”

Even though she hadn’t been too worried about his chili in the grand of things, it was nice to know that it was easily forgiven, and knowing her mother, she would do anything for Quinn. Whether it was to drop out or remain in the competition. Celia didn’t care for the anxiety in her chest was too consuming. It felt as if someone was standing on her chest or clawing apart her insides, not an unfamiliar feeling but tough all the same. 

It grew worse as she was forced to listen to what would’ve been their future if she hadn’t looked for happiness in all the wrong places.

Her teeth practically pierced her tongue and the familiar taste of metal spread in her mouth. If her feet had worked, Celia would’ve bolted without a thought, but they were frozen to the ground. She felt her heartbeats increase, drumming hard against her chest, yet it felt like her heart had been ripped out and thrown to the ground. It was the very reason she hadn’t returned home because she knew that she would have to face the things that she had loved and lost. And there he stood, almost too casual, speaking his former dreams aloud while she studied the blisters in her palm while holding back the tears.

“I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled low, confused and heartbroken. There was no hesitation that she wanted to stay because it was her home, but what was there for her when she had ruined any chance of happiness? 

Simply hearing Celia’s deep rooted insecurities come to the surface and the tears which inevitably spilled over, resulting in saltwater stained porcelain and a painful twist in his gut which felt a hell of a lot like guilt, Quinn couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey, hey.” His palms came up to clasp her jawline, thumbs wiping away at the liquid coating her cheeks. Perhaps she’d push him away again, which she had plenty of reason to do, but he couldn’t bear to witness her agony. “We need to get your hand under cold water,” the timbre of his voice became soft as he gingerly lifted up her scalded hand to view the damage. “And I promise I’ll explain everythin’. Just come with me. Please.”

Intertwining his fingers with her unburnt ones, he led the brunette away from the lingering ears and invasive gazes of their fellow townsfolk. This was his truth and he refused to share it with anyone other than the woman who deserved to hear it most. Once he spotted an outdoor shower meant for people to rinse their feet and hands, Quinn turned on the icy water and brought her palm beneath it for several beats before speaking. “When you left, it felt like… Like you took one of my limbs with you. I didn’t know how to cope, I’d never let anyone in before who just left. You were my first love, the only girl I ever gave a damn about.” He sighed, attempting to piece together the narrative in his mind as best he could. It was a memory he had purposely avoided due to the fact that he loathed the idea of dredging up the weakest period in his life. 

“It was like this gapin’ hole in my chest. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Spent most of my time at the garage or starin’ at the ceilin’ just wonderin’ what the hell I did to make you hate me so much. And then my mom, God rest her beautiful soul, suggested that I take a walk to the local diner and get her a cake. When I think back on it, I’m pretty sure she just wanted me to see sunlight for the first time in weeks.” He shut the water off, tearing a paper towel from a nearby stool beside the shower and using it to very gently dry her fingers. “Ashley was workin’ there as a waitress and when I came up to the counter… I dunno, guess everybody heard about you. She apologized and said if I needed someone to talk to, she was willin’ to get off early and listen.”

Now it was his turn to choke back the tightness in his throat and a stinging in his nostrils. “I’m so sorry, Celia. I was lonely and hurtin’, but that’s no excuse because I knew what she’d done. It was immature and stupid; I mean Jesus, I was there when she began the crusade against you. But I just… I wanted to know that I mattered to somebody, that I was capable of being loved still.” Quinn coughed, inhaling deeply to steady his voice. “It was just one time, nothin’ else happened. I hated myself for it once I realized that she was only humorin’ me to make some twisted point to you, even after you were long gone.” He didn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry. If you hate me, I understand. I never should have crossed that line.”

While she didn’t want an explanation, she still allowed him to steer her out of the crowd and away from curious eyes. Celia didn’t want to hear about it because she was selfish; because she knew that it had everything to do with her. But she owed him everything and this was the least she could do. She deserved to feel his pain. Her face twisted into an unpleasant grimace when the cold water hit her burning hand and she forced herself to listen when he begun to speak. What I did to make you hate me so much. Her lips parted to interrupt him but closed seconds after. There was nothing she could say because even if he was wrong, and she hadn’t ever hated him, it was how he felt and she knew he was entitled to his feelings. She closed her eyes while he dried off her hand that throbbed with pain yet it’d never compare to the heavy, heartbreaking pain in her chest. 

Her eyes fell to the ground when he was done and she played with the dirt beneath her shoes for a moment. “I’m sorry about the chili,” she said after a minute of silence, “you know she won’t enter the competition now.” Celia exhaled a shaky breath, studying her red palm to avoid his gaze because she was ashamed. For everything, not just the chili and her selfish feelings that caused the fight, but for leaving him when he was the only thing that had ever made sense. “I was young and naive, I thought I wanted the glitz and the glamour, that I could escape all the painful memories— but I never hated you. I’m not capable of hating you.” It was the only thing she needed him to know; that it had never been his fault that she looked for an escape. Celia had only ever wanted to be strong but didn’t believe it was possible in the place that had relentlessly kicked her to the ground.

Quinn watched Celia’s movements around his food expectantly, waiting for a response to the inquiry which never came. Instead she dipped a singular palm into the burning chili and tossed a fistful of it onto his torso, then another, and then the entire pot was flung from the table to spill all over the ground beside him. “Celia!” His voice shouted after her, all concern for the competition gone in light of her rage before he glanced downwards to view the searing liquid which pierced through the thin fabric of his shirt. “God dammnit,” he muttered as capable hands lifted the garment over his head and threw it aside. “Fuck.” Plenty of other men were shirtless at the festival, he wouldn’t stand out anymore than normal. 

Immediately he was forcing himself through the crowd, attempting to locate the familiar figure as she stormed away from the situation. The intuition he’d felt upon seeing Ashley beside her had been proven accurate and while their short lived fling existed as a minor blip on his romantic history, he knew that Celia would be hurt by the revelation of it. “Hey!” Quinn finally called upon catching sight of the brunette. “Celia!” It was only when she was in arm’s reach that he finally stopped chasing and grasped her upper arm, forcing them both to a halt. “Look at me. Look at me. I’m sorry! Okay? I’m sorry, I know you’re angry and you have every right to be.” She didn’t, honestly, but he knew it was a betrayal in her eyes and he adored Celia enough to take the blame for it. “Whatever she said was just to get under your skin, you have to know that. She doesn’t mean anything to me. She never did.”

There were no excuses nor any apologetic smiles as she pushed through the crowd of people who were enjoying the fair. Normally Celia did everything to avoid causing a scene, anything that would draw attention to her was a scary thought but she was blinded by rage that protected her from the piercing hurt inside. She knew that she had no right and had it been anyone but her childhood bully, she would’ve swallowed the news with pride. But all she could picture was Quinn with her, with the person who had spent years practically terrorizing her. He had been the only one who saw her for who she was and not a nickname that made her an outsider. He had witnessed her pain and now all she could feel an overwhelming pain caused by him for the first time in her life.

She tore her arm free when he caught up with her and unwillingly looked at him as apologies spewed out his mouth. "I know I don’t have any right! I know! I left you and you were free to do whatever with whoever but her—” Celia had to pause for a shaky inhale as she fought the tears burning underneath her eyelids. “She bullied me for years, she hurt me every day and made sure everyone else did too... out of all people, you slept with the person that— every time someone touch me, I flinch because I’m afraid to hear someone comment about how disgusting I am! I can never escape that because of what she did to me!" Her voice broke, tears finally escaping down her cheeks and any energy she had to shout at him disappeared. “And you slept with her.”

Quinn had been half-jogging on his return from assisting Celia’s father when he caught sight of her unwillingly engaging in conversation with someone all-too-familiar. Something sharp twisted in his gut and the blood coursing through his veins, once heated by the jovial flirtation with his first love, turned icy at the image. “Ashley,” the man spoke with trepidation as he approached, carefully picking his words without making it appear as though he were assessing the nature of their conversation. “Can we help you with somethin’?” The polite tone he chose was undoubtedly false, tightened over the syllables of his speech to dissuade her from continuing.

“Nothin’, honey. Just catchin’ up with ole Celiac Disease and fillin’ her in on what she missed when she skipped town.”

At her words and the reemergence of Celia’s high school nickname, a cruel moniker he had hit a good number of people over back in the day, his eyes narrowed down at the blonde waif. “That’s unnecessary and I think you should leave. Now.” The civility in his timbre was lost now, thrown to the wayside in favor of ridding them both of such a disgruntled little harpy. Ashley released an offended scoff in his direction before pivoting on her heel and slinking away into the throng of festival goers nearby. “You’re upset.” Not a question, he could read her features like his favorite novel. “What did she say to you?”

It felt like minutes had passed and Celia was desperately trying to compose herself enough to respond to Ashley’s snide comments that she was all too familiar with. Her lips parted to speak but before she had a chance to stutter out a pathetic comeback, Quinn’s voice interrupted them. She took a step back, arms crossing over her chest as if it was a shield that would protect her from the overwhelming pain within. It was a naive wish and she knew better. Hazel eyes fell to the ground as she blocked out their exchange of words. She wasn’t fifteen years old anymore and the old, cruel nickname would’ve been a breeze compared to what she had been told. Her feelings altered from anger to sorrow, one second she wanted to scream and the other fall to the ground in an uncontrollable sob. But she didn’t allow either.

Celia cleared her throat and took the lid of pot, stirring his chili while ignoring his inquiry. She had no reason to be upset yet she was. Almost had him. It made her sick to the stomach and suddenly rage rose inside, her hand violently dug into his hot chili and she tossed a handful of it at him without a word. “Oops, my bad— maybe Ashley will help you clean it off,” she spoke through gritted teeth before she grabbed another handful to throw at him before finally shoving the pot off the table with hatred in her eyes, boundless to stop herself from causing a scene. “Fuck you!” It was all she had to say, all she could express, in the moment so she stomped off to deal with her stinging hand and most likely try to fight the tears threatening to escape.

“Nah, I strung ‘em up on the flagpole at school or didn’t you notice?” A jest of course, the reality of the situation being that he washed and secretly stashed them in his bedroom dresser. Quinn had rightfully assumed she would require them if she ever forgot clothes at his place, and besides, it meant they could be seen again in the near future. Or so he’d believed at the time. “You really should be more aware of your items, but I suppose it was difficult when I spent more time takin’ them off than you did.”

His far larger pinky grasped hers with a familiar ease before he instinctively brought the union to his lips to kiss and lock it much as he used to when they were mere children. Realizing the gesture, a nervous smile overtook his characteristically confident demeanor as Quinn backed away from their close proximity as heat rose in pallid cheeks. “Yes, ma’am.” With that, he jogged off in the direction of Mr. Richards, offering himself as aide to the older man who would undoubtedly pretend to be capable despite his sore back. A decade later and Quinn knew precisely how to play the situation so that his pseudo father would both feel useful and not injure himself in the process.

Celia rolled her eyes at the whole ordeal, she had been a virgin that night, of course she hadn’t been too keen to tear her clothes off to expose her body. “It must have been tough to remove a mere dress from my body, I’m glad you prevailed.” It was a pleasant memory yet it stung to know what she had and lost because of her own foolishness. Unlike her mother, Celia had never been able to just know things, like she had just known that her father was the one. While Quinn was her first love, there was always that fear that he would eventually realize that she was a burden who needed too much reassurance or even love. Her entire high school experience had been to isolate herself to escape the nasty insults and ruthless words.

“Celiac.”

Her entire body shifted in place as she heard a word she hadn’t heard in years. Suddenly she was fifteen years old again and all her false confidence crumbled. She swallowed hard to greet her old bully. Slim and blonde, still the same taunting smile tethered to her lips. “I almost had him, y’know?” Celia’s brows knitted together in confusion for a minute. “Sorry?” Her hands were tugging at the fabric of her dress to keep them from shaking and she attempted to swallow the lump at the back of her throat to no avail. “Quinn— after you left. He realized that you were nothin’ worth his while, that I was better than your contagious presence.” It was why she had buried Celia long ago and why she refused to bring her back, it was a weak girl and she didn’t want to be weak again. Yet there she was, chest suddenly aching at the thought of Quinn with her bully. She knew she had left him but she felt betrayed, that of all people, he chose a person that had continuously hurt her. It was heartbreak all over again.

Quinn had half a mind to snap his jaws playfully at the condescending tap against his nose, wide grin tugging at the corners of his lips regardless. This felt like the old Celia and as much as he had been frightened to witness that character reemerging, her appearance ignited long dormant aspects of his own personality that died the day she left town. “Hangin’ from my rearview mirror,” he muttered the repetition with a bemused shake of his head before the next statement simply rolled off his tongue without thought. “Yeah, almost as good as your underwear did after that night down by the lake.” 

The smile adorning rugged features twisted itself into a triumphant smirk while his brows rose as if to challenge her. This was a precipice he hadn’t danced along in weeks and perhaps he’d grown too comfortable with their arrangement, but thoughts refused to endure his mental censor today. “Guess we’ll see in thirty minutes. If I leave you alone with mine while I help your dad unload the truck, you gonna promise not to spike it? Winnin’ is only good if it’s fair, after all.”

Her eyes widened in surprise when the retaliation left his mouth and she was glad that her parents weren’t around to hear him even after all this time. It was a vivid and precious memory, an indescribable joy vibrating in her every cell as bare feet carefully made their way up the porch. They probably knew by the way she shined the morning after but she preferred the memory to be only shared between the two. “I never did get those back. What did you do with them, scrap booked them?” It was a silly comeback but she had spent years with a venomous tongue and had forgotten what it was like to tease someone without any harmful intentions. 

“I don’t need to spike it,” she replied with a nonchalant wave off her hand. Even if she thought that there was a possibility she’d lose, Celia wouldn’t sabotage his chances to win. While she had changed drastically, she was still not capable to do harm without valid reasons. “Pinky promise.” Her hand rose, pinky waving at him as the smile on her features grew wider. Too engrossed in the day and him to realize that she’d let old Celia slip forward. It’d come back to bite her in the ass eventually. “Go,” she let out in the middle of a small laugh, shooing him away with an impatient hand gesture. 

Admittedly, Quinn was a little too giddy over the prospect of Celia sticking around their small town long enough to take part in the annual Chili Cook Off, after all it could quite easily precipitate a hasty departure soon after and he would once more be left in the emptiness of her absence. Still, the friendly competition which arose between ex-lovers in light of the impending festivities quickly transformed into a flirtatious wager of sorts, complete with him whispering smack talk in her ear under the guise of sweet nothings. From their eager glances, he knew that Mr. and Mrs Richards definitely believed something romantic had been brewing between the duo and perhaps there was, but he would maintain to the masses that their banter had become a rather tentative friendship. 

Even if he himself didn’t believe it. 

Of course his confidence remained steady upon witnessing brunette locks and doe-eyed gaze entering the throngs of enthusiastic festival goers surrounding them, a local band hammering out some country song he sincerely hoped sounded better on the radio. “Hope you’re ready to lose, Darlin’. I’ve got a damn good feelin’ about my odds this year.” Placing his own concoction onto a nearby table, Quinn nodded towards his former flame with nothing but jest lacing his tongue. “And with you helpin’ out on your mom’s side, pretty sure I’m a shoo-in.”

It was a dangerous game to play, to let herself go and slip into old habits with Quinn where she wanted to stay but knew she couldn’t. Both a dream and a nightmare that she couldn’t escape. Celia knew that she wouldn’t only burn herself, but him too and yet she was boundless to stop the everlasting teasing that rolled out over her tongue. Would it be so wrong to be happy, even if for a little bit? She had always been weak for him and not even years apart had managed to break that bond, or any for that matter. So it’d all come crashing down once she was left alone but by his side, his warm breath against her ear as he taunted her, was too good to let go of. She had let go of enough.

“So cute, all that confidence of yours,” she responded as she tapped the tip of his nose with an index finger. “I wouldn’t get used to it ‘cause we’re taking you down.” Her statement was equally confident but her mom had years of experience and Celia wasn’t a bad cook, and she was competitive so she had been gone through trials and errors the entire week. There was no way that she’d let him win and if he did, she was going to wrestle him to the ground. “That participant ribbon will look great hangin’ from your rear-view mirror.”

I can’t be Celia. “Why not?” His voice resounded like a demand, as though he were a manager inquiring with impatience as to why their employee wouldn’t be able to make a deadline. “You brought her out when we danced at Nicky’s, and again when you pulled me and that asshole apart. I hear her in your voice when you slip up. I see her in your eyes when you look at me. So tell me why the fuck not.” Quinn wasn’t even certain why it mattered so much to him, why he craved the emerging of a personality which would ultimately be his ruin. Becoming that girl from a decade ago meant he’d fall for her again –or maybe he never stopped. Her gaze lowered in defeat and it took every inch of his willpower not to cup that perfect jawline to tilt her features upwards. Definitely never stopped. “So then why did you do it? Why did you leave?” Did he really desire to hear the answer pour from her lips? It would perhaps serve to quench the unbearable gnawing which had haunted him for innumerable nights; the endless questioning of whether he wasn’t enough for her, if she sought something or someone better. A selfish need to eliminate his own insecurity, but maybe for once in his life Quinn could spare a moment of egocentric behavior. “You were strong because that’s who you are. That’s Celia. And she deserves to find happiness too… I just keep hoping she doesn’t look for it at the expense of herself and the people who really love her.” Running a hand down his face, he glanced away for several beats. “Are you happy right now? With where you are in life? With Nate and the city and all of this,” he gestured to her strikingly different appearance. “If you’re really happy, then I wish you the absolute best. I do. But if you’re not, don’t go championin’ my happiness when you haven’t even taken care of yourself.”

“Because she ruined everything!” Her voice resonated loudly, hands trembling and heart pounding hard within. Celia had grown up with taunts and hurtful insults, eventually she learned to put on a brave face and pretend that it didn’t bother her. It did. It had then and it did now. “She was a naïve little girl who thought that she belonged elsewhere, a head full of fantasies and foolish dreams. And she was fucking wrong.” Frustration had her bit the inside of her cheek so hard she could taste the familiar taste of metal. She brushed her hands angrily through her dark curls. Why did you leave? It wasn’t a question she believed she’d ever had to answer because she didn’t believe she would ever return. “I wanted to go to college, you know that. I wanted a master’s degree and... and I wanted to be someone else, I didn’t want to be a walking disease anymore.” It was a truth she had never spoken aloud, one that she had hoped to bury within but Celia had always dropped her guard for him and years apart seemingly made no difference. She watched him, hazel hues flickering across features that she had once been able to trace with her eyes closed and eyes that used to ease her worries with one glance. Quinn was a beautiful man in every aspect and she had broken his heart. Even if she had been able to be happy, she wouldn’t have deserved it. “I don’t know what happiness is anymore,” she confessed with a dismissive shrug, such a nonchalant gesture because happiness was for good people. For him and her parents, and the rest of her family. “Don’t do that— don’t dismiss my wishes for you to be happy. The lack of my own doesn’t exclude yours. I’m not your first priority anymore. You are.”

I remember everything too. And then the floodgates poured open, all the hidden emotions and memories encapsulated within her brilliant mind came rushing out with all the surge of a vehement tidal wave. Ironically enough, he felt like his lungs were filling with water as they tightened and restricted all ability to breath; every word she spoke only served to drown him further in the nostalgia of what they had once been. She was always the name on his lips, the smile behind closed eyelids, the missing limb he couldn’t replace. They were just kids when it happened, but their love existed as something more consuming than any experience he had discovered since. Celian and Quinn were soulmates. Past tense. Their worlds altered permanently in her betrayal and departure, something which now coloured any ache he harbored for the brunette in a different, more agonizing shade. His yearning to kiss her would only serve as a bandaid to cover an immense wound she had carved by her own accord, the decade long absence only temporarily filled by her brief touch. “You keep all that bottled up,” he caught her index finger with his lips for a moment before pulling back a fraction from their dangerously close proximity. “And for what? How did you live this life every day and not see that you’re denyin’ yourself a happiness you admit was only found here?” Quinn shook his head, not attempting to coax her back into a relationship with him or make any sort of argument that he was a better fit for her than the rest, despite the fact that it was true. “You left. You left me, you left us. And now you wax poetic about how I’m part of you when I’ve been here all along tryin’ to piece myself back together. I mean how am I supposed to be part of anyone when I can’t even– I can’t even figure out which bits of me I’m still recoverin’ after you? How am I supposed to be part of you when you never came back for me?” He swallowed to calm his voice into submission. “I’m not just sayin’ I can’t be friends with you because I’m still in– because I still feel things for you. I’m also sayin’ it because every time I look at you, I still remember that night standin’ on the porch over there when your mom told me you weren’t comin’ back.”

Celia knew that her confession would only bring up the very thing that she had attempted to escape for ten years. It was what she deserved but it hadn’t made it any easier to accept it. No matter what she hid in the deep pits of her fragile soul, she had hurt Quinn and never given him the chance to express it. It was long overdue but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. She listened and she ached, but her ache was nothing in comparison to the one she saw in his eyes. No words would ever suffice, nothing she could grasp at would ever excuse nor fix what she had done. "Because I can’t be that person— I can’t be Celia,” she confessed with a shrug, teeth biting down on her tongue to keep the vibrating hurt within steady. It made all the sense in the world to her; Celia had been the one to hurt him, her parents and ultimately, herself. If she was anyone but, someone who didn’t care about who she was with or what she was doing than there was nothing of worth that could be lost. She couldn’t do that again, she couldn’t lose more people. “Don’t you think I know that too? I know what I did and that I can’t fix it.” Her eyes fell to the ground again, watching a beetle make its way over the pebbled road. For a moment she envied the simplicity of its life. Truth was, Celia didn’t want to fix it because she didn’t deserve it. “I left my person, my home, behind and I can’t fix that. I can’t fix anything. It was meant to be you and me against the world, that was what I wanted and I fucked it up. So I didn’t come back because... because what kind of person does that to the person they love? I was, am, too crazed with guilt to deal with it. We both know I was only strong because of you.” She paused and shook her head in defeat, finally letting the words she had hid for ten years roll over her tongue. Her entire body was trembling, her mouth suddenly dry and heart pounding hard. It was a miracle that her legs still supported her weight. “I want you to be happy, Quinn. You deserve to find happiness.” 

Almost immediately Quinn regretted the impulsive decision to redirect his anger onto a doe eyed face, her stuttering and confused jargon enough to soften his expression several notches. I never had a type, I only ever had you. She claimed to be a different person now, wore layers of make up and new clothes like a Mardi Gras mask over her original personhood, but he could still see Celia in the fire behind her irises, in the way her accent slipped between raging syllables. How could he emphasize, after the way he had just spoken, that his words never came from a place of judgement but rather concern? A worry pitted in the walls of his gut that such a brilliant, cosmically stellar individual was selling every admirable quality about herself to the devil for a chance to be– what? Rich beyond measure? An elitist socialite? Those things had never concerned Celia before and so her loved ones were left unsettled by the new persona, after all they were the ones to witness a time when genuine laughter passed her lips. Now he could barely remember the sound. “I didn’t hit him because I hate him, that’s never a reason for me to swing at anybody and you know that… You remember when Ashley Carney called you celiac disease in front of the whole class our senior year? Remember how pissed I was and how I said some awful shit that got me sent to the principal’s office? It was like that with Nate… But a million times worse. Because I never want anyone to make you doubt your worth and I know that if you chose him –which you had every right to do– then he has the obligation to not be an Ashley Carney in your life.” She made a move to depart, but his knuckles reached out almost instinctively, worming around her upper arm to pull the elusive brunette back to him and against the cab of his truck. “Ten years,” he murmured, grasp loosening on her slender bicep to run across his jawline. “How is it that after ten fuckin’ years you still have this hold on me?” Quinn searched her face, as though the answer somehow laid hidden beneath her sculpted cheekbones and full lips. The latter he traced with the curvature of his thumb for a moment before it slipped down to cup her face. The ache to close their distance was gnawing at his insides, practically pleading with agony to give in. “I don’t think I can be just friends with you, Celia. I’ve really been tryin’, but I don’t think I can do this because every time I look at you… I remember everything. So I need to walk away before I make a mistake and complicate your life even more than I have.”

Celia wanted to hate him, she wanted to hate everyone and everything in her hometown because it would be far easier than admit that she was angry at herself and what she had done; who she had turned into. It had never been about a hunger nor thirst, a glamorous life filled with glimmering treasures. It had been a poor coping mechanism and an escape from the ruins she had left behind. She knew how much she had hurt him and her parents, her friends and family. How could she possibly return to the wreckage and face the ones she loved? “I know my worth, Quinn. I’m not an insecure sixteen year old anymore, you don’t have to fight my battles.” She wanted it to be the truth but it was an obvious lie. No one needed to drape themselves in luxury and false smiles if they were secure and knew their worth; no one would swallow the pain and pretend all was fine when nothing was fine. Her escape was postponed as her back hit the metal behind her. It wasn’t the first time she had been pinned between his car and him, but this time was different. His lips didn’t capture hers, kissing her hard and loving her harder. Her gaze settled on his, swallowing hard when his thumb brushed across her bottom lip. It was a small gesture but enough to crack open the feelings and memories she had suffocated within for ten years. She yearned for a whispered promise, that their love could prevail. She desperately wanted to believe that it could. Her life wasn’t a life, it was a marathon without an end; a battle between what she wanted and what she deserved. For ten years the latter had been in control but there he stood, too close while confessing that she still had a piece of his heart. “You don’t think I remember it? I remember everything too,” she confessed low, hand rising to run her index finger across his sharp jawline. “I remember the frustration on your face before you kissed me for the first time, your corny pick up lines, hushed laughter underneath my duvet, all our dreams, all our fights, how the embers in the pit of my stomach ignited every time your hands ran up my legs and beneath my dresses...” She was getting lost in Quinn and she knew it was complicating things further, oh she knew, but he was worth it. “I remember the taste of your lips and the sound of your heartbeats. You don’t have a hold on me, you are a part of me.”