drops of jupiter

maybe they’d understand why i hate myself a little

more each day,

JONY!!!

i can’t even say your name without drowning jonathan….. fuck u warned me about days like this but god damn it. i’m stubborn. i’ll never find a love like you.

but all the love i know, all the love you have taught me and gave me.. im instilling it in him jony it was such an honor to have you to love you jony… you were too good for me how foolish i was to thinking i was the prize when clearly it was always you.

i’ll never be able to fill this void u left me and it’s fucking sickening because i birthed a life and he couldn’t even save me it was too fucking late and how do you tell a fuckin sweet ass 3 year old that??? how can i tell him that i’m fucking broken and no longer want to be human? i’m not scared i never cared but he is so precious how could i leave him???? i hate myself i’d end it all at jonys grave but this other human experience is under my wing???! santana coreylee u keep me down to earth there is no me without you. your existence holds so much weight you were destined for greatness… te amo cariño amor.

jonathan alejandro loya, i will love you forever and miss you until the day that i leave this planet and join u on the astral realm.

our life was never supposed to be this way.. i go to where you lay and, and try to find some peace. my mind is scattered, i can never focus on one thought when i’m around you so at times i sit in silence. other times vary, one experience is my face begins to melt away with tears of acid; my eyes stay swollen for the night and morning after, i can’t catch my breath the air becomes so thick and heavy i can’t catch my breath.. my soul yearns for you jony i sit there and cry for yours and fear that you are no longer here with me that you no longer want to see me and i get it i wouldn’t want to see me either… but in this life time that i am living without you i am learning to forgive you and forgive myself. & you promised me, i have every time you promised me that you would wait for me you would be there waiting for me. fuck! this hurts so badly. jony you prepped me for this many times but i can not deal with this properly!! i told you that this would ruin me and i’m fucking ruined! i’m still so in love with you i would end my life just to see you again, i envy the earth that wraps itself around you!!! i can see it i can picture how i’d go, and it would all lead back to where you lay. us together again.

but i can’t. i can’t leave my son. he needs me. he needed me just as you once did. i can’t leave him, the way he looks at me and the way he holds my face when he’s sleepy. it’s so pure jom.

even though your passing ruined me it taught me a lot and reminded me of the life we envisioned for us, the morals and values and traditions and love we had and wanted. my son is going to be an amazing, beautiful man because of the love you gave me… because of the love you taught me! if it weren’t for you, i don’t think i would’ve known what love was and i thank you for that. i look for you everywhere i go jony, in everyone i meet. this was truly ours, no one could ever compare to you and it’s the tragic truth i believe.. you will always have my heart, until we meet again jomyjomt. my cosmic love.

how to feel, how to feel????