Journal of Tom-Foolery and Japery

looking back on it i dont think ive ever had a relationship i would consider to be "successful" its pretty much only been casual stuff or situations where i get taken advantage of or ended in some sort of big childish argument and never really lasted more than a year. ive had one that lasted over a year but she considered that casual the whole time and left me quite harshly when i indicated i wanted to take it further and that my feelings were romantic. i used to get some praise from my peers for being "brave" enough to ask people out but any time ive been done so its been because i rightly felt i would be turned down. it feels like ill never really have a proper comfortable normal relationship and as i get older i just feel a bit sad about it, because it feels like everyone around me is able to do it with a lot more ease than i can. ive never really been sure why i struggle so much to find what i consider to be the extremely low standard of someone who 1) wants me 2) is reasonable and in touch with their own feelings 3) is fun to be with 4) is kind to me 5) I am attracted to. at least one of these always seems to be missing and ends up being what causes the relationship to end in heartbreak. I really dont know what to do with myself when it comes to this. I dont want to be single, but it feels like it will never end unless I just settle for a situation that makes me miserable. all my friends seem to be moving into serious relationships and marriage now, and I feel childish for still having to go "well hopefully i can meet someone".