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I was just a dumb heartbroken kid back then. Whenever I was sad or emotional, I came to this site to read something that I could relate to in my situation. Or post about it and whine.

I doubt any of my friends will see this, but if they do, hey. If I haven’t spoken to you since high school, I hope you’re doing fine. Sorry we haven’t kept in touch.

I remember late summer nights in 2015. I sat in my living room, playing music on the TV thru my PS4 with the window open, letting in the breeze. I would scroll this site, talk with friends about the upcoming senior year of high school, and just ponder what life would be like in the future.

I moved in with my aunts and uncle in the last days of summer vacation. My siblings found their own place to stay. R.I.P. Lan Ark Nights (2010-2015. I graduated a year later, started community college, found a part time job at Old Navy. I met a girl, but got hurt shortly after (which wasn’t her fault, we were just young and desperate for attention). I quit Old Navy, then I found out a friend died.

Started to wonder why I kept going to school if I didn’t know what the hell I was gonna do. I met my current girlfriend, been together almost 5 years now. I dropped out of college. Twice. Moved in with said girlfriend. Been working at a home improvement store for almost 5 years.

Aaaaand that’s it. That’s my life until now. Obviously there’s more, but this is the gist of it.

As for what’s next??

I don’t know really. I’ve been stuck between pursuing a career as an X-ray Tech or Dental Assistant.

I’ve dug deeper into my love for boxing/martial arts, but it’s mostly been watching instead of doing.

I want to travel more. Maybe go to NY, Canada, Japan, or Korea.

But more importantly, I want to feel like I’m doing something that matters. Something fulfilling. I’ve always felt like this.

I’ve constantly been told that I have time. But how much?

I still feel like that 17 year old kid, scrolling through tumblr on a summer night.

But this time, I’m 25.

just know that one day you’re gonna pay the price.

we know the risks. we know what happens if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable while letting someone in. we know what we signed up for. we know the hurt and the pain that we’re going to endure should things go bad. 

so why is it that while we’re in it, we tell ourselves it won’t happen? why do we become so ignorant all of a sudden that we think we’re invincible? and why is it that when things do go bad, it hurts like hell still? we knew the consequences, so why do we still act like it hurts? 

you can’t prepare for these things. there is no rule book. preparation is null and void. it laughs at such a thing. you prepared yourself for heartbreak? are you fucking joking? wake up. when it hits you, whether or not you’re prepared for it, you are going to suffer, you will feel alone, and you’re going to blame the world or God, or even both. 

in some instances, your thoughts might get darker. you’ll question your life. whether or not they cared. if any of what you two had can even be considered real. if any of it meant anything. 

you’ll want to run. you’ll want to be away from home and away from the things that remind you of them. you’ll want to move cities, states, maybe even countries. you’ll find yourself awake most nights, afraid to sleep because you’ve dreamed of them for 3 nights in a row. you’ll find yourself roaming the streets, needing something other than sitting down and playing video games. 

your friends will do what they can, but let’s be honest, it won’t do a damn thing. they tell you you’ll move on, which is true, hopefully. they’ll take you out to lunch and try to stay close, but you’ll still feel lonely. because at the end of the day, it’s still only you. 

you might drink a lot more. something to numb yourself when everything else fails to distract you. you’ll do whatever it takes just to have some part of you feel good, even if it’s for a short time. you’ll do whatever you can to feel like the person you were before you met them. 

you’re going to get rid of everything at one point. pictures, clothes, notes, whatever is connected to them. but sometimes, you do it because it hurts you still, not because you’re ready to move on. 

time is not a factor in loving someone. whether you’ve been together for 2 months or 2 years, only you know if you loved someone. 

however, time plays a factor in healing. one day, you’ll become tired of running. the distractions. the liquor. the blaming the world and God, maybe even yourself. you become sick of it. 

you no longer want to be the victim, instead you want to be the survivor. you allow yourself to hurt. you face the pain head on, you feel what you need to feel because you know that running isn’t going to make you stronger. 

whether it’s emotional or physical pain, whether it’s heartbreak or broken bones, pain is what makes you realize that you’re alive. that you’ve lived. because without pain, how can you say you’ve lived? how can you say you survived? 

you’re allowed to be hurt, you’re allowed to feel pain, you’re allowed to blame others. but more importantly, you’re allowed to heal and grow.