girl with dreams

Probably the worst thing I heard or was called to me was this. I thought family should be there to support you no matter what.

Let's go on a back story. I grew up always being the obedient girl. I follow each order of my parents. I always am patient to have my turn in everything. I never get jealous of what my siblings have. I always am proud of what they achieve and will always be. I have always been the good girl and the quiet one. In my family, I never break rules and I obey everyone.

I failed. Yes I failed 3 times. I did my best and failed. I failed again and again but I never asked for anyone to comfort me. I never asked for anyone to ask me what I felt. It was a sad year. I did my best. God knows I did it. If its not enough I will do it again. But it doesn't mean I can be judged because I failed. I never wanted to fail.

How to start this? For the past 3 months, I've been living in Dubai. Am I happy? Do I like it here? Will I stay?

Maybe no one will be able to read it or know my thoughts. But here it goes.

I'm not happy. I receive good things. Dubai is a great place for working and earning but I will never fall in love with the city. I don't see myself living here for good. Not because I don't like it here. I like a lot of things about Dubai. I like how I get a lot of free things coz women are treated right here. I like crossing the pedestrian because vehicles will stop for you (unlike in the Philippines). I like that they have wifi everywhere and it's mostly unlimited and free. I like that you can go everywhere because transportation is easy but you need to a lot time. There's wifi in every establishment. There's no tax. There's a lot of activities to do. You can meet a lot of people from different nationalities and they can become your friend. Most people are nice.

Am I happy? I regularly ask myself if this is the life I want to have. I am trying to figure out my whole life and it makes me tired. The life I envisioned for me is not this. What do I even want? I want my own peace and my own life back. I can say I am not fully happy in here because of a lot of factors I cannot disclose in here.

Life in Dubai is good. But it's not satisfactory. It's like being a robot that being dictated what I should do and what I should be. I am human not a robot. I have feelings. And my mental health is at stake in this place. I can handle all the pressure and insults but not everyday.

Few weeks left and I will totally leave and erase people in my life. No one will be able to find me. I will find my own path and get my own life.

Summer is fast approaching and my weight is increasing. Adulthood is so difficult. Balancing life and needs and wants. I started intermittent fasting again and at this hour I’m super hungry. I had a sip of water again. Okay it’s all in the mind. I’m okay. I’m not hungry. I’m fine. Hahaha. Mind over matter. Still a long way to go.

Here are my exact feelings at the moment. I want to share it in my social but I don’t want people to pity me. So here there’s no one who will know. From @thegoodquote in instagram

Some days I just wanna meet someone I can spend the rest of my life with. But maybe I’m not yet ready. Funny how 10 years ago, I thought at this age I am already engaged. Hahaha. But here we are single and not ready but looking. The lyrics hit hard.

I’m so excited today. It was a great day for boxing. Starting from the very beginning again. The basic. But i hope it will be continuous.

It’s monday and Holy week. I can feel the silence. I can feel the quietness. I’m all alone. I’m alone. The silence is so loud it makes me cry. My mom came to pick my laundry. That’s what she does, just come, take my laundry then leave. I try to make small talks about what I should do with my life. Sometimes I feel hopeless. I don’t talk alot to my family because we are literally apart. I live alone, my dad and sisters are in the middle east and my mom lives in her farm. I got used to this set up but today I felt worst. My mom didn’t even help me with my thoughts. She was rushing to leave. I was looking at my plants in the balcony and she was gone. I didn’t even hear her leave. Now I’m alone again. As I type this, tears rolling down my cheeks. I’ve never felt like this before even when i live alone. Am I wrong with the life I chose? Why am I here at the moment? It’s funny how even I want to talk to my family I can’t. They will say encouraging words but it’s never enough. They don’t feel what I feel at the moment. If you are here with me, all you can hear is the silence, my keypad and my cries. I wish my grandma is still alive. I think she is the only person who cares for me so much. I once told my friend even if I get lost, no one will find me. Even if I don’t get in touch for days, no one will notice. Even if I die, no one will know. That’s how alone I am now. Lord, take me out of this misery. It’s so dark already.

Today I decided to go back to my natural hair color. It’s been a while. I decided to dye my hair black again. And let it grow naturally. Never dye it again. It’s like being reborn to the old one. I like it.

It was indeed a wonderful few days with the girls. We had so much fun. I had so much fun. Thank you Lord for the gift of friendship. We will always go back stronger.

And just like that. Off to a paradise.

My mom doing my laundry and sending me fresh eggs.

My friends messaging me on how I'm doing but sorry friends I can't reply yet. I always am proud of each and everyone. I wanna congratulate you but I don't have the energy. But I am really thankful for each one of you.

Growing up knowing all household chores. Thanks mom for raising us to be independent. Today I prepped a good lunch, made oreo shake, sew my clothes, cleaned my apartment, water the plants, mopped the floor, and a lot more.

Being strong enough to face the world everyday.

I woke up very late today. I've cried so much last night. I keep on pretending it's okay. I keep on waking up everyday telling myself, "It's okay. You'll be fine. You can do it. You can survive another day." But my heart is broken. I am mentally tired and emotionally damaged. I fear people. I fear the outside world. I am tired.

Someone messaged me : "How are you?" I assessed myself. I haven't been replying to messages. I tried as much as possible to detach myself from people. I am tired. How many times will I say I am tired. One question can make me cry and I hate crying but I can't stop. I am not okay. It's not okay. So I'm sorry for the unread messages. I'm sorry I'm not yet ready to face the world. I'm stuck in my room fighting with my head.