so bona to vada

basically ri cheated on me with thursday who was a friend of mine at the time although i had a lot of pent up discomfort with them. thursday is a really self centered person who thinks they are a god and can do anything they want and this manifests in really scary ways. when i talk about my family who are abusive but i have a complicated relationship with them (mostly my mum who i love regardless of everything) thursday will repeatedly say things like “i can make your mum sick and make her die if you want” even when i say every time i dont want to hear that. they also know that i have been abused religiously and grew up repressing my identity with a view of a very cruel hateful god + that i have severe paranoia and can be very afraid of things like demons or curses so they could easily use this stuff to intimidate me. thursday will demand to hear over and over again that i trust them while sharing my private thoughts with other people openly knowing i have paranoia-causing disorders. they have caused problems for fun between me and other people i do not like (often because thursday had encouraged me not to like them) or in one case who had treated me badly in a very ableist way, knowing i am really private and avoidant. they have talked to me about one of my abusers, a really violent and frightening person who hurt me deeply and who i am stll afraid of, and sarcastically brought up things she had said to me. they told me it was “grooming” for them too just seeing me be manipulated into agreeing to horrible things as a minor and act like it was my fault having been abused.

at the same time i sometimes project on very violent bad characters and love them because they remind me of abusers i had once depended on? it is a coping mechanism so i dont try to engage myself with real people who are callous and violent or aggressively sexual anymore. one of these characters is an actual rapist and murderer/torturer. i talked extensively about liking him because of his resemblance to a violent abuser and thursday said to me he sounded very relatable and wanted to be fictionkin of him knowing he was a rapist and very much like my abuser from before i was 18. i found this really inappropriate. thursday has a strange obsession with being “evil” and thinks it is fun to be hated by others i guess. when i cut them off last week they tweeted things in the vein of “cant wait for my callout post” so they are just that kind of person. they are white (as am i) and admit that they love to be seen as an evil white person who steals from and uses others. they also admit to liking to manipulate and prey on those “weaker” than them. here are some things from a vent blog of theirs i followed a few months ago relating to these

(name censored because its someone not specifically involved in this and theres no need to broadcast thursday talking about them like that)

last month or maybe before that they hooked up with my then boyfriend henri (who i call ri) without my knowledge. i found out about it by them asking me some unknown amount of time in an afterthought in if id like to date them too to “complete their triangle”. the three of us argued about this to some degree and ri said repeatedly that he had just assumed thursday had asked me about all this and put all the blame on them acting as though he as my on and off partner of three years had no obligation to talk to me himself. eventually he said i “come first” and hed break it off if i wanted. he consistently refused to call it cheating and in fact noone but me has called it that despite it being a textbook case where my partner clearly dated someone without me knowing. this was topped off by thursday manipulating ME into apologising for it all implying it was my fault for being ”distant” from them recently despite acknowleding this was because of blunted affect and paranoia i experience from a disorder i do not want to go into detail about. i also deal with familial and psychiatric abuse and at this time was very depressed suicidal and withdrawn. to give an example of how bad things have been this month and last i was recently chased by police and almost forcibly institutionalised for seeming like ”a danger to myself”.

ri himself can be a really unpleasant person too. for months he has been genuinely scaring me with how he acts but when i ever try to tell him i think he is not good to me he either says he will never change so i should leave or he overreacts massively and begins talking about how he will kill himself because he is garbage and things like that so in the end i will comfort him instead. he has anger issues which i understand but one time i talked about a musician i liked and said i loved him and ri responded by talking to thursday in front of me about how he wanted it to be about him (thursday told him cutesily that i will “soon go back to him” because my dependence on him is a joke and i am allowed to think of nothing else). he became very violent and began tweeting right afterwards about how disgusting people are and how he wanted to strangle and kill someone and make them cry and beg for mercy. i did not cap this at the time beause it triggered me and i went offline after that to calm down but here are some things from the same night that i capped to show someone else who i trusted, to explain why i was upset.

i believe these were about me. ri later told me after i confronted him about how much he scared me that this was in fact set off by a “bad day at work”. i do not believe people say things like “tell me you love me tell me youll die for me” about coworkers or costumers. afterwards he went on a very patronising spiel about how i misunderstood but everyone should be careful to clarify what their anger is directed at so others do not misinterpret and think it is about them and basically blamed it on my paranoia as though i as someone with ptsd was wrong in not wanting see my partner clearly try to make me say id do something like die for him and especially knowing as he does that one of my abusers promised to cause me serious harm.

ri openly says he does not want others to think of or love anyone but him but thinks it is ok to cheat on me, and thinks “worship” is a normal component to a relationship. he often becomes aggressive when people cannot pay attention to him. on our anniversary this year my dad called me and said some very unpleasant things to me. my reltionship with him is very strained because he is a alcoholic and emotionally and occasionally physically abused me in the past among other complicated things i do not want to go into detail about but i feel responsible for him and his life so i dont cut him off. he is the main thing behind my c-ptsd. to this day he thinks i am useless. i was very suicidal that night as a result of the abusive things he had called me to say and tried to do some bad things to myself. ri did not comfort me over this and instead became very petty and passive aggressive since i guess he saw it as “his day” so he just said things like “so do you even care about our aniversary or what?” which made me feel really bad. later he apologised by saying he simply ”didnt mean it” and was sorry id had a bad day (bit of an understatement for my dad making me suicidal). here is something relating to it from a later conversation

i know ri has npd (i have personality disorders too although not this one) so i tried to accomodate him but the degree to which he thinks people should always be prioritising and worshipping him even when they are troubled or in danger is not at all ok in a relationship. he knows i am stuck in an abusive situation which wears me down badly but he would get angry when it hurt my ability to satisfy him. he seems to think all this is my fault for again being ”distant” but how am i supposed to feel safe and act happy around him in a situation like this.

when i talked to my boyfriend jules (who has been my main confidant about how ri makes me feel) about the cheating situation with thursday and how i did not like them anymore and had begun to think they were dangerous he offered to help me talk to ri about it since he knows i am very averse to conflict and would struggle alone. we went into a group chat and i told ri all the things about thursday and how they are proudly manipulative and “evil” and have screwed with me thinking he did not know. he was very. blase about it and did not react much beyond saying “well what do you want me to do”. jules got upset at this and asked ri to try to care about someone making his long time partner feel this uncomfortable and ri got very angry at him, a relative stranger, in a way jules found really concerning. here is the last thing he said

all jules said was essentially “can you try to show that you care about this” and ri got very angry at the implication he didnt care about me and responded by flippantly saying things reminiscent of... “dont you ever fucking talk to me like that again” and ”im going to go get drunk now” in front of me, someone with an abusive alcoholic father. he then got very aggressive on his private twitter about this as well as making it about himself by crying about how if he cut off thursday hed have noone to talk to about kin feels (because thats so much more important than someone doing things like modeling themselves after my almost-murderer abuser lol). he also acted like thursday had “used him” to get close to me when it was clearly the exact opposite and thursday had acted unpleasantly around me while dating him behind my back, not to mention that thursday had known me for much longer than they had known him and in fact had met him through me.

you cant see his part of it in the thumbnail but he tweeted himself yelling at jules as some weird self flagellating attempt for sympathy as well as saying “everyone probably thinks im not good but i dont care”. i snapped at this point and told him that this along with how flippantly hed acted in the first place about someone as creepy as thursday wasnt ok behaviour and he reacted by talking once again about how he was trash and should die and then later left entirely to let his alter take over, i guess because being asked to not shout at my boyfriend and not make me being betrayed all about himself was just so stressful for him. im a little fuzzy on what happened most recently with this this month because a lot has gone on (refer to what i said about almost being institutionalised) but essentially he after a while made a big show of telling me i was his #1 always and hed seen how gross thursday was (even telling me theyd threatened to do something like curse us when he blocked them, i dont know now if that was true or not--whether they did or he lied about this, it still means one of them said something threatening that set off my paranoia) and he wanted to be with me forever with nothing in the way.

this lasted iirc less than a week before he began saying again he was no good for me and then suddenly the very next day that he did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me. i was away at this time due to having another very bad depressive and dissociative period and came back after three or four days to him i guess cheerfully having broken up with me and being back with thursday who he did openly and clearly admit when i talked to him was a very creepy and downright abusive person, proud of preying on the weak, proud to be an evil colonialist white person, and trying to emulate and intrude on my coping mechanisms regarding someone who almost caused me serious harm and potentially death, probably entirely because he prioritises being able to talk about his uwu Evil Demon God Feels with them over being anything above a fucking worm.